feel like i set fire to my life and for what? help

[MadgeMidgerson]

i was married for 18 years, separated last june because we has not had an intimate relationship in ten years, for the last two he didn’t really speak to me and i did everything in the house and paid for everything. the pandemic probably accelerated my ending things. i had tried to talk to him on multiple occasions over the years about my unhappiness but it went nowhere.

at the time i thought i was taking a positive step to a brighter future and now i just feel stupid - stupid for staying so long, stupid for thinking i could have more than crumbs in life, stupid for not just trying to adapt and take the easy way.

one thing he said which has haunted me like a curse is that no matter what i’ll never be happy. he’s right i think.

has anyone been through this? did it get easier? better?

No one is ever happy. We aren't designed that way.

But in terms of feeling captain of your own ship, having peace, opportunities, choice....do you feel those benefits?

What new friendship, hobbies, activities have you done.

I have a dream book where I sketch out things I'd like to do and experience...it keeps me hopeful. Dreams become plans become my life.

sometimes i do. a dream book is a good idea, i will try this, thank you.

i am also going to have therapy in the new year to try not to hate myself so much. i just feel so awful for having failed at this.

@Yummypumpkin

No one is ever happy. We aren't designed that way.

But in terms of feeling captain of your own ship, having peace, opportunities, choice....do you feel those benefits?

What new friendship, hobbies, activities have you done.

I have a dream book where I sketch out things I'd like to do and experience...it keeps me hopeful. Dreams become plans become my life.

I'm not sure that's true @Yummypumpkin, I think it's perfectly possible to be happy. It's doesn't mean that your life is 100% perfect but happiness is definitely attainable and a default position for many.

OP, I think you've gone through such a massive change, it won't all fall into place immediately. Make sure you put yourself and your needs and wants first, it's likely you haven't been used to doing this for quite some time. Small steps will make such a huge difference. Sending hugs.

I read an article about not aiming for happiness. Rather aiming for the feeling of not being diminished. I knew leaving would be awful and unsettling and that I wouldn’t feel happiness for a long time (long relationship, with teen kids involved). And it was and has been. I’ve had counselling as well, which helped.

However, I am free of the feeling of being constantly diminished by my partner and how awful that felt and how it destroyed my sense of self at times.

I hope this helps a bit and that you have good friends. It will slowly get a bit easier

But in terms of feeling captain of your own ship, having peace, opportunities, choice....do you feel those benefits?

This is so true. Good on you for making this change OP.

Don't think too much about what your ex said. It's not an accurate psychological study on you. It's just an insult thrown in desperation by a miserable person. Of course, he'd say anything to try to stop his maid and money supply walking out the door. The fact he chose things like that to say during the split, rather than for example, I love you, I'll change, shows you how right you were to leave.

You haven’t been free for very long. The first year is bound to be hard. What new activities are you doing? Yoga? Walking group? Start doing things everyday for yourself

this will sound perverse but i miss how i used to feel dead inside, now i am just mostly in pain and it is unbearable really.

it is heartening to know it might get better in time, i will try to hold on.

i just feel both ruined and damaged

You do need to actively create your new life.

It took me a few months and I then went online booked a trip to India, a wine course, signed up for ballet lessons and booked to go to a festival.

Once you start it becomes easier, though we all find ourselves in a rut sometimes.

Make 2022 a year of experimentation, knowing that in doing so you will meet people and find things you love.

There is another version of you waiting to emerge.

It's a bit of a MN cliche, but I could have written your post, OP, with slight adjustments for figures, i.e. years wasted in a crap marriage.

It's normal to feel a bit shrivelled up after such experiences. However, you are the boss now, and you get to choose your next chapter, so make it a colourful, brilliant, hilarious one as a massive antidote to what you've endured. Do you have dependent DC? If not, that gives you vast scope. If you do, you can still pack in lots of good me-things around their needs.

It can really help to get away from your usual environment for a while. Do you have the means (and Covid-era allowances) to take a trip for a few weeks? Lots of travel companies do active holidays for families. Time away can help pull you out of a rut.

Personally, I wasn't able to do this at the time as I was dealing with a shitful XH, all the hoarded crap he left behind, a distressed DD and a recently bereaved DF with dementia. What helped me was going back to the music I loved before I met XH all the '90s acid jazz and crazy-alegria Brazilian music of my big South American trips. It started to bring back the person I used to be, and reminded me that life was not just drudgery, resignation and walking on eggshells it was dancing, singing, learning a new langauge and seeing amazing places, too.

You feel damaged now, but that damage can be repaired.

As a simple start, a bunch of us are doing Move: 30 Days of Yoga with Adriene, a free beginners' program to get you stretching -- and stretching is scientifically proven to make us happier. Come over to the Yoga board and join us. It starts on Jan 1.

@MadgeMidgerson

this will sound perverse but i miss how i used to feel dead inside, now i am just mostly in pain and it is unbearable really.

it is heartening to know it might get better in time, i will try to hold on.

i just feel both ruined and damaged

That is good. You're alive again now, and safe. You were dead before. You feel things now and because of that, you will heal.

That means pain, yes, but the pain will pass. Do things for yourself and let it. You did the right thing.

Any change of this level is hard. It just is, and things very rarely magically become better overnight. It’s a process.

You’re being really hard on yourself and possibly also piling pressure on.

The fact that you’re feeling again? Is good. There’s most likely a lot of repressed emotions that need to come up and out. Don’t be afraid of those, they’re feelings. And if healthily processed, this will pass. The other key thing that I remember being told in therapy (as I was processing my divorce) is that the negative emotions have to come out. To create space for the positive ones.

For me that was so true. A few key things that helped me get the negative emotions out? Journaling was key. As was counselling. Trying to start mediating and calming the brain (even for a few minutes a day). Practising gratitude every night before I go to sleep. 3 things I am grateful for.

A permanent state of happiness is not achievable, for anyone. Will you be happy again? Can you be happy again? Absolutely. But it will take work.

Also, stop looking back in regret. I assume that’s what you mean by saying you should have taken the easy route and adapted?

We can’t go back. You’ve taken a huge step and the key is to focus on the future. You have a blank canvas, you are free! What is it you want to create?

How you feel about yourself is just that. I am the same in that I can be quite hard and negative about myself. You made a bold choice to leave a long relationship in which you weren’t happy. There will be an adjustment period. Things will change and you will get in a better place.
And a bit of advice I’ve been trying to do myself - practice being compassionate to yourself and accept all of you.

i just feel both ruined and damaged

Oh madge, my heart goes out to you...

You are neither ruined nor damaged. You are simply shedding a skin of sorts. 💐

So much of what you've said about kicking yourself and regretting your choices resonates so strongly with my own experiences in an abusive long term relationship.

You're smack bang in the middle of the adjustment/reflection period so are bound to feel lost but once you find your feet it will get better, I promise you.

Take this is as an opportunity to reinvent your own identity rather than a personal failure. 🦋

It's still early days @MadgeMidgerson , it's not long ago at all that you separated compared to the length of your relationship. These feelings are normal and can last quite a while.

EMDR therapy can help with the effects of traumatic experiences or recurrent memories- you can get it on the NHS or privately.