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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship over?

20 replies

FlyLikeABird29 · 30/12/2021 19:17

How do you know if your relationship is causing your mental health problems or if you you actually have depression? Don’t want to make a mistake.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 19:22

Do you feel better or worse when you are physically with this person?

Did you have depression in the past before this relationship?

Does this person shout at you, lie, spend your money, criticise your innate qualities?

FlyLikeABird29 · 30/12/2021 19:29

Worse, I dread the key in the door however rely on them for comfort ‘to make me feel better’

Depression started during the relationship due to a bereavement, well Atleast that’s what I thought.

Everything is just hard work, every day is hard work. Different parenting, different opinions.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 19:33

Are you able to enjoy time with friends or family?

MMmomDD · 30/12/2021 19:38

There is no way to analyse it to figure it out.
The only way really is to see a doctor and try to get help with your depression.
As you do - you will hopefully get some counselling - and that may help you figure out what you are feeling.

FlyLikeABird29 · 30/12/2021 19:47

Very rarely, not without the children anyway.

I am medicated for my depression and have had counselling and CBT in the past. I feel like i know our relationship is over but I need a reason perhaps.

OP posts:
Googleboxfan · 30/12/2021 19:52

How long have you been in the relationship for?

FlyLikeABird29 · 30/12/2021 19:53

8 years, two children.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 31/12/2021 01:27

If you know your relationship is over - then start preparing for separation. You don’t need an excuse.
However - your depression may or may not get better after you do. And it can also get worse.

Depression can have different causes. Bereavement often causes short term depressions that eventually lifts. Longer term depression often has causes long in the past, often childhood. Obviously a bad relationship can add to it, or trigger something - but the underlying cause for depression is still in you. So that’s why it’s not as simple, and separation might not resolve it.
Separation with children, while resolving issues between adults, creates new issues with navigating co-parenting and effects of divorce on the kids. That can also have an affect on your depression

Main point is - being in a relationship that makes you unhappy definitely doesn’t help you feel better. And it’s just not worth it. So - hopefully you can find a way out

TheFoundation · 31/12/2021 07:59

I feel like i know our relationship is over but I need a reason perhaps

This is the problem, and quite possibly it's what's at the bottom of your depression too. You don't validate your own feelings. For some reason, you think that your feelings on their own aren't enough to power your actions.

Where does that come from? You will have learned to minimise your feelings like this during your childhood, probably. That's where it comes from for most people. Did you feel heard, as a kid? Like your feelings were a high priority? Did your parents have a respectful relationship, and listen to each other?

Feeling that your relationship is over is a reason. You don't need a reason on top of that. Unless you feel like you're living according to a set of rules, one of which is 'You must have a concrete, factual reason to end a relationship.' If that's how you feel, ask yourself where that rule is coming from? Who makes the rules in your life? What authority are you obeying?

FlyLikeABird29 · 31/12/2021 10:31

@TheFoundation this makes so much sense.

I feel like I can’t trust my own gut instinct and that we should never give up on a relationship when children are involved as will damage them for life etc.

I have forgotten that I am a person and that I can think for myself and make decisions but I just feel so weak.

I have never felt heard particularly.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 31/12/2021 10:46

I have never felt heard particularly

This is your moment! The only person who needs to hear you is you. These are your feelings. This is your life. You are in charge. You are responsible for your feelings. Take care of them as if they were your own child. Because they are. They are little you, from your childhood. Your unheard child self is doing things like sulking (depression), running away (anxiety), tantrums (uncontrollable anger) etc. Look after the emotions. If your gut is saying 'GET AWAY!!!' then all you need to do to stop being the child is to translate that into adult language. But always understand the message, and, as if the emotions were a child, listen, in the way that you would like to have been listened to as a child.

And this is how you get round the 'I rely on my partner for emotional support' thing, too. Currently, you are not supporting yourself, so you feel you need that help. You are not self reliant, and have to look outside yourself. But once you start to listen to that inner voice and respect it... well, that's the definition of self respect.

Can you put into words what your gut instinct is actually telling you? When I tried to do this, I had to go out and buy a red pen because it was really angry, but it was very good to get it all out, even only onto a piece of paper that nobody but me ever saw.

FlyLikeABird29 · 31/12/2021 11:26

Self respect is definitely something I lack due to issues in childhood.

I think partner is my emotional support as well as causing emotional problems due to unhappiness and egg shells etc.

Writing this all down has made me see how stupid I have been, I quite frankly need to toughen up and take control.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 31/12/2021 11:42

Writing this all down has made me see how stupid I have been

The lack of self respect is evident here. Would you say this to a friend who realised they'd put up with poor treatment in a relationship? Think how cruel and disrespectful it is: 'You've been stupid, mate. Toughen up.' Where's the love, the understanding, the empathy?

Be nice to yourself at every turn. You've made mistakes? Sure, but everybody does. You need a different attitude towards relationships? Well done for recognising that; many never do.

Emotional support is something to give yourself, first and foremost. Nobody feels emotionally supported by someone who says they're doing 'stupid' things. This is the crux of why you need external 'scaffolding'. The inner you is not supporting you. Have a look at these sorts of thought processes. Have a look at how you look after yourself emotionally.

What do you do with yourself when you're sad? Angry? Lonely? Scared? What do you say to yourself?

layladomino · 31/12/2021 12:41

Please don't tell yourself that splitting up will 'damage your children for life'. It really doesn't need to do that. It is much more damaging for children to have to deal with unhappy parents or to live in an unhappy or abusive household.

Children flourish most when they can rely on a loving, suuportive, stable home environment. Whether that's Mum, or Dad, or 50/50, or Mum and Dad, or whatever, is just detail.

They will still have their Mum and their Dad, just not in the same house. Post divorce I became myself again and as a result a much better mum.

I have the best relationship with my lovely DCs and they are happy, confident and good people. The divorce is ancient history and simply not on any of our radars.

FlyLikeABird29 · 02/01/2022 08:34

@layladomino can I ask how old your children were when you divorced? I’m feeling much stronger and know I need to do the right thing and my happiness is important to.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 02/01/2022 08:35

The reason is because it’s making your MH worse.
No fault divorce is coming in April.
Get your ducks in a row while you think.

layladomino · 02/01/2022 08:56

@FlyLikeABird29 they were between 8 and 11. They had started being affected by the problems in our marriage - much as I tried fiercely to protect them - and I knew that if I stayed it would affect them more, not least as it was starting to affect my MH wellbeing.

When I left I quickly rebuilt my strength and was able to be a better Mum. I haven't regretted it for a second in the years since.

Pickuptruck · 02/01/2022 09:00

bloody hell @TheFoundation - more insightful and incredible advice, OP the best thing you could do is read and re read the advice from TheFoundation

FlyLikeABird29 · 02/01/2022 09:54

@Pickuptruck @TheFoundation that is exactly what I have been doing, your advice is amazing. It’s made me really think about how I see myself and that I really need to work on my physical and mental health and self esteem for sure. I have decided I am going to end the relationship that’s one thing for sure however now I need to find the right time and the words to even say.

OP posts:
FlyLikeABird29 · 02/01/2022 09:55

The lightness I feel after saying this is amazing. I feel hope for the future and that I know I will be me again and who I once was. Thank you everyone for your advice, it has helped so much having everything written down.

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