Is there a chance of change

[SeasideMummy1]

Hello
I recently re activated my account after being off here for a long time, I need relationship advice, I’ve been with my partner almost 12 years it’s been rocky for 10 of those.
He is abusive.
It’s taken me a very long time to admit that to myself but after a difficult Christmas I’m so alone I needed to write on here for advice, I don’t want to go into every incident but write about a few very serious points that happened and get another view of it, so around 2015 we actually split up because he physically attacked me the evening after spending the day in hospital ( I’d had a miscarriage)
The split was brief probably 6 months then I stupidly took him back and we moved into a different house together new start , things were ok here and we then went on to have a baby boy , ( already have one daughter)
My partner was really good during this time the baby was seriously unwell and we spent a month in nicu when we finally got home things were better and he was the best , around one year later he suggests we move ( from city life to the coast) so we did , it felt like the right time and like a new great start away.
Things were ok for abit here however the rules were quickly set I still wasn’t allowed to get a job once our son attended preschool etc so i was stuck in the house a lot doing house jobs , he put a tracker on my phone and daughters ( this has since come off) because new area he said. I was allowed shopping etc fast forward to lockdown he comes down hard on the rules no shopping , no nothing really just be in the house, fast forward again he lost his job role around a year ago which was tough he blamed me ( he got demoted because of his behaviour at work losing it a couple of times he doesn’t really at work) over the years he has physically assaulted me and feb last year made me take a cold bath because of a argument about him using the water ( old boiler ) now our son is 5 so I’ve only gave a brief description of what the years have been like but Christmas was ok during the day kids happy etc after there in bed problems started made me feel like the day he had been nice to me was fake. He hurt me and then spent time in another room playing on a console I went to bed so upset and hurt on Christmas night, he came up around 3.30am then on Boxing Day he acted like nothing happened.
Just feel alone right now - I have no friends, no money and no option other than to stay for now. He is abusive physically, emotionally, financially ( he took my bank card but since got it back ) and a couple of times sexually ( this is within the last two years before that he never did anything like that)
Work has put him on a course steps 2 change for stress but he is yet to attend , any advice thank you

Contact Woman's Aid.
He is unlikely to change and even if he does it won't be for the better.

He’s not going to change OP.

There may be times when it looks like he has / might and there might also be really great times. But they don’t last.
Someone who mentally and physically abuses people don’t just stop overnight.
He will move onto the children next.

Speak to Womens Aid. There is help out there for you. It’ll be hard, but no harder than living in fear in your own home

Please protect yourself and your children OP. Women's aid is a great start. This man has betrayed and abused you in multiple ways and won't change. You deserve so much better. There can be a better life outside of this I promise

He won’t change. Why would he? This works for him. This is him. This is how he behaves in relationships. He is destroying you and your life. How can you be helped to leave him?

No.

I know it sounds like the hardest thing ever, and it is, but you need to leave before he kills you or your kids. There is so much more to life than this. There is support out there. Men like this do not change.

Leaving seems impossible I know it sounds crazy but I’m not even sure if I want to 100% because I would be breaking up the family unit and I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford a decent house even would struggle for the basics, I have quietly been on here a while reading and have read there isn’t actually much support can anyone advise on this, I would need somewhere to go and ideally I’d want to stay in the area because the children love there school so much, adding on from my original post since moving to the coast it is just us so I have zero support network, he’s at work today but tonight will be no fun. When he’s at work it gives me some hours peace but since his demotion the hours are less.
In the past I’ve suggested I go away for a few days to see family ( back to the city a few hours away) but it’s never happened and now the latest rule is I’m not allowed to leave the house without him ( apart from school run) so no shopping without him - I’ve had anxiety for a few years but lately it’s getting worse I’m just not sure what to do because yes when the times are good they are good and I just want to add this man is a good father , he pays for everything for us , rent, bills, etc he does look after us and because we have been together such a long time I do struggle to think of a life without him . Thank you for listening

@SeasideMummy1

Leaving seems impossible I know it sounds crazy but I’m not even sure if I want to 100% because I would be breaking up the family unit and I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford a decent house even would struggle for the basics, I have quietly been on here a while reading and have read there isn’t actually much support can anyone advise on this, I would need somewhere to go and ideally I’d want to stay in the area because the children love there school so much, adding on from my original post since moving to the coast it is just us so I have zero support network, he’s at work today but tonight will be no fun. When he’s at work it gives me some hours peace but since his demotion the hours are less. In the past I’ve suggested I go away for a few days to see family ( back to the city a few hours away) but it’s never happened and now the latest rule is I’m not allowed to leave the house without him ( apart from school run) so no shopping without him - I’ve had anxiety for a few years but lately it’s getting worse I’m just not sure what to do because yes when the times are good they are good and I just want to add this man is a good father , he pays for everything for us , rent, bills, etc he does look after us and because we have been together such a long time I do struggle to think of a life without him . Thank you for listening

He is not a good father. You are not a family unit. You are being abused and he will move on to the children. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but you need to protect them. They are too little to protect themselves.

It may have to be a refuge somewhere away from him, and not a nice house in the same town, but you will be safe. That is what matters here. Protecting a family unit at all costs is extremely outdated thinking back from generations that were taught by society to put up and shut up, largely at the women's expense. No matter how much you think this abuse is hidden from your children, it isn't. It will have life long effects on them. It will model abusive relationships to them as the norm, making them more likely to end up in them themselves.

My heart fully goes out to you, but you need to leave. Think of their future, as well as yours.

The bits where he is OK -> nice mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He is an abusive horror and there is everything for you to lose, including your life, if you stay with this POS.

There is support out there: for a start, contact Women's Aid who will advise you on practical steps you can take to protect yourself and the support that can be put in place to help you. You might feel very nervous about contacting the police but you should let them know what he's doing to you so that they can prioritise you if you call for help. At least go and talk to them. Please don't minimise or make excuses for his actions: there are none. His behaviour is reprehensible and aberrant and you do not have to tolerate it one minute more.

It’s been 12 years, he’s not changed. He won’t change.

Is this really the model of manhood you want your children to grow up with?

Two things:

1. Why do you think he would change? What would be his motivation?

2. In the nicest possible way, Women's Aid have seen thousands of people in exactly the same situation as yours. There's nothing special or different; you live in a classic abuse pattern, you have classic reasons for not leaving, you have the classic mindset of those they see all the time (this mindset is not your fault, but you are the only person who can take responsibility for changing it) They will know what to do. They will have ideas you haven't thought of. There will be ways to make yourself and your kids safe that have never crossed your mind.

When you say you'll struggle for the basics, you don't seem to realise that you already are. Living in below par accommodation for a bit with a parent who has modelled 'Leave abuse behind' will be far better for your kids than staying where you are and showing them the opposite: stay with an abuser if they offer you a decent house/money etc.

I was raised by a mum who loved me, and stayed with my abusive father. I had unhealthy relationships all my adult life into my 40s. I've never married and I haven't had kids, despite badly wanting both. The reason I didn't find a healthy relationship was because of the model set for me as a child: 'you don't leave, however much it hurts'

Don't do this to your children.