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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands best friend disrespected me? Don’t know how to feel anymore.

24 replies

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:23

Hi all. Have been with my husband 9 years, we have a child together. He has been best friends with his best friend for 21 years. However his best friend is a frequent drug user of the substance my husband fought so hard to get clean from & is in still in therapy for. Boxing Day his best friend over the phone (which I heard as I was sat next to him) at our families, suggests he comes out on a big night out and that’s it’s so simple just leave our son with me and walk out and say he’s gone for the night. The tone and wording sounded so rude on me. His best friend has a new gf but he hasn’t made it official with her because he wants to be free to have sex with who he wants for his birthday. I’m in every mind to tell his friend what I think about his disrespectful attitude towards woman. However what’s the point, my husband needs to address this, not me. He’s willing to but I have this tainted image of my husband due to his best friend and the links and ties with drugs and all. I feel really insecure about their friendship due to this and the anxiety it brings although I don’t try to stop them being friends and wouldn’t ever ask this. I would like him to have good friends but he doesn’t really have ANY other GOOD friends. Although I don’t think this friend is a good healthy person.

OP posts:

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 14:26

Do they spend lots of time together? Are you sure your husband doesn't still use those drugs?

UserBot99 · 30/12/2021 14:28

He sounds horrible. But before you panic, is your husband even tempted to walk off and leave you with no explanation as to where he is or when he's returning??

Is that something that your husband has ever done?

I know they say that we're a reflection of the five people closest to us, but I have friends that I speak to about work and other friends that I speak to about family dynamics, and other friends that I talk to about our shared youth!

No one of those people is 100% a reflection of who I am.

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:29

They spend a bit of time together sometimes but since getting clean my husband is always home at a good reasonable time & I have seen no signs of recurring using of drugs. He doesn’t go out on these nights out with his friend. I suppose I just feel he should ditch him for the good of his future and address the disrespecting me but that’s obviously not fair to ask.

OP posts:

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:31

No he used to walk out and not come back until early hours when using but since I allowed him back home 5 months ago there has been non of that as he wouldn’t be coming back inside ever again and he knows it. I just really worry about the friendship and where it could lead in the future as well as him disrespecting me.

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2021 14:33

People are often judged by the company they keep.
If your husband is not repulsed by his friend's words and behaviour then I would have to wonder how different he truly is.

MsChatterbox · 30/12/2021 14:33

You could maybe ask him if he sees the friendship as a risk for being tempted to use.

MrzClaus · 30/12/2021 14:34

Sounds like the best friend misses the way your DH used to be - it's amazing your DH has got clean, and is staying that way!

Tbh I'd expect my DH to slowly fade out of a friendship, if it's based on drug use and he was in recovery. Recovery is lifelong and not an easy road, your DH doesn't need "friends" like this mate in his life making it harder / pushing him to make bad choices! He needs supportive people!

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:36

Yeah…. Exactly that’s exactly why I am now feeling a tainted thought process about my husband and also put off him. It’s been so hard getting over the lies and drug abuse and now I just feel like I don’t know how to judge this situation but I can’t see why he would want to be friends with a ‘man’ like this still living like a teenager & doing the very things that he is fighting to stay away from. I feel it’s lose-lose.

OP posts:

Wreath21 · 30/12/2021 14:36

There is only so much control you can exert over another adult. It sounds as though you have set your boundaries WRT your husband's drug use - that you will end the relationship if he relapses - and you have every right to do this. However, ordering him to cut off his best friend is excessive: you don't have to like this friend or spend time with him, and the friend doesn't actually owe you 'respect', either. It's up to your H who he is friends with as long as he sticks to the agreement not to use drugs again.

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:38

Yes exactly, this friends previous ex was based on him getting her clean and then got her back onto using…. So I can’t say I have faith in his game plan in the friendship if there is one. He doesn’t encourage him to take anything or use in front of him BUT he is just a total rotten egg. I don’t want to be controlling or make him chose, I want him to ditch him by himself but I don’t think he ever will. His best friends mom actually works for my husband and that would also create issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:39

Yes exactly perhaps this entire experience and journey with my husband is still ongoing & there’s nothing to say I will still want to stay with him long term regardless of drug use because I have been unsure about him ever since!

OP posts:

JohnSmithDrive · 30/12/2021 14:41

So your DH has only been clean for 5 months and still has regular contact with a close friend who is using and (probably) encouraging him to use too?

It's obviously up to your DH, but it can't be a good thing for him to be spending time in this man's company if he hopes to stay clean.

He's done so well, but this decision has to come from him (like all the others).

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 14:44

Yes it does, I total agree which is why I am feeling a loss of faith in my husband. It’s sad but maybe it’s to show me I need to leave the relationship. I don’t feel that he is making the best choices by keeping this guy so close as always & that may be wrong to say but perhaps it shows he’s not willing to go the full lengths to protect himself from relapse and that is discouraging for me.

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 30/12/2021 15:09

I think that to truly kick an addiction you need to steer very clear of others who are still using.
Harsh but true

JohnSmithDrive · 30/12/2021 15:12

@Georgeskitchen

I think that to truly kick an addiction you need to steer very clear of others who are still using. Harsh but true

I agree. I drink. I don't have a major problem, I can go for weeks without a drink, but drink too much when I do. There are some people I need to avoid if I don't want to drink. It must be incredibly hard if you're an addict.

Ohmybod · 30/12/2021 15:27

You can’t change your DHs friends attitude towards women so I wouldn’t even bother going there. Save all your energy for your relationship with your DH and don’t give the friend ammunition to use against you, seeing as he sounds so toxic.

Can you talk to your DH about what his therapist says about remaining friends with people he used with? See where that conversation takes you and voice your concerns but with no attachment to outcomes as it’s ultimately up to your DH to decide where this goes.

Personally I’d expect him to place more importance on staying clean and saving his marriage than maintaining this friendship and if he didn’t want to, I’d have to question his motives and reevaluate. However, do give him a chance as he’s only 5 months down the road to recovery.

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 15:33

Absolutely amazing Idea! His next therapy is in 4 hours from now and I’ll see him briefly beforehand and I will ask him if he’s comfortable touching on that subject with her! Thanks so much perfect idea!

OP posts:

DaisyStPatience · 30/12/2021 15:38

Coke?

romdowa · 30/12/2021 15:42

My brother is an addict and he was told in rehab that they reccomended cutting ties with all old using buddies. That when you want to be free of addiction , then you have to create a brand new life. Sadly it sounds like your husband hasn't done this and he is probably o a slippery slope back into substance abuse.

Original poster

Danielle131013 · 30/12/2021 16:13

Oh … now this does sound undeniably correct. I’m which case it’s probably doomed. Would the best thing be to leave now to avoid a big future explosion? I guess I hold out hope that in time of creating a new business in mind, that he would have a bigger change in life then. Still now he has changed nothing other than not taking them. He still drives crazy & eats to much masses of shit food every day. He goes to the gym but he doesn’t take care of his actual health so this is also concerning. I guess speaking about things writing it out makes me think about these things I hadn’t before.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 16:20

He drives crazy? What does that mean? I hope you don't ever, ever let him drive your child?

As someone who recovered, I can promise you that he cannot be friends with someone who was a drug taking buddy. Especially when he's only been clean a few months. It's not possible and if he was genuinely serious about staying clean, respectful of his body and brain needing recovery and committed to your relationship... he wouldn't be hanging out with someone he's taken drugs with historically.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2021 16:38

You have to judge someone by the company they keep. When he got that message, which would bring back so many memories of his past that he supposedly wants to change, his reaction should have been to shudder and block the guy, at least temporarily.

The other guy is offering temptation - your husband is allowing this. I would imagine that one little argument now will make your husband blow it up out of all proportions and go out for the night with that guy, blaming you for it all.

Christmas is a very difficult time for addicts - your husband has to be very diligent in order to stay clean. He's not doing that, is he?

Wreath21 · 31/12/2021 03:00

Always bear in mind the single most profound truth about being in a relationship with someone who has substance abuse problems: you cannot control this person. TBH it's unethical to try as we all have ownership over our own bodies. The most you can do is decide how much you will put up with and, if the person crosses the line, walk away from them. Attempts to manage their addiction against their wishes will wear you out and always fail.

Monty27 · 31/12/2021 03:11

Might come to a him or me situation.
I'd run for the hills if it was my DP subscribing to a user's friendship over his own future while you're trying to support his recovery. It's his choice and you can't force it. I hope it goes well.

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