I got in touch with one of my close friends from about a decade ago before I had children. We we were so close we were 'sisters' not by blood basically, very close and we always called eachother sisters. We both had awful times during our teenage years, we were both in abusive relationships and we both had mental health issues that began in childhood...also some learning difficulties, that meant we were bullied as girls and never felt that we fit in anywhere. She got pregnant at 18 and I had my son at 19. Unfortunately she never quite took to being a mum, had a lot of boyfriends from literally weeks after her son was born, the babys dad was an alcoholic who left her, her mum (the babys grandmother) later adopted the little boy and my friend lived with her, but as her suicide attempts and self harm got worse she had to move out and me and her shared a place for a while. I helped look after her baby and tried to help her bond with him. In the end I had to cut off contact with her after she got quite nasty with me due to a boyfriend of hers admitting he liked me...and ultimately her putting men before the little boy.
I met a lovely man, had two little boys myself and we live a fairly happy life, but unfortunately I do still suffer from depression and low self worth. I have been a fairly isolated SAHM for 9 years now due to my eldest son having been a very premature and sick baby, later autism and other behavioural issues causing problems with childcare (hence being unable to work!). I also had a very serious cancer diagnosis 3 years ago, lymphoma, where it was expected I would die without a stem cell transplant. Thankfully the transplant worked. But it caused a bit of a crisis in me...'a life's too short so fuck it!' One only accompanied with a wine habit and bad PTSD 1 year on. Frustration and still being stuck at home due to DS1, no freedom to 'live my life' after cancer. So wine in the evenings was my escape, somewhere I could be happy. This ultimately lead to me unblocking and contacting my friend. Going over old times, crying with laughter and happiness, and at the sad times she has gone through too
Her son was taken into care and adopted. She isn't allowed any access to him, not even letters. She has been in and out of MH hospitals for suicide attempts, many different boyfriends, in prison for GBH on a mental health worker who tried to restrain her from hurting herself. After her mum heard of us talking again (she apparently called her in excitement) I was warned by her about not letting her be alone in a room with my children, which was bizarre. I asked her why, and if my friend harmed her child or any other child, and all she said was 'no she loves children she would never hurt a child, but it mind land social services on your doorstep if they find out' she said she didn't want to say anything else due to feeling bad going behind her back which would really upset my friend apparently.
My friend apparently has a diagnosis of EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) and she lives in a supported living home. I met up with her just before Christmas. It was lovely, it felt like no time had passed at all and we just accept eachother as we are no judgement..all my other friends are quite snobbish and judgey..they don't see me as an equal..neither does my husband. But this friend really is like a long lost sister. She behaves completely normal. The only thing that's a bit off is that she can sense people looking at her, she is a bit paranoid about others being out to hurt her, and her arms bless her they are covered in big SH scars. They are so big she couldn't carry her shopping on her arms they hurt so much. TBH my heart breaks for her, I want to be there for her as an equal as a friend. My PTSD makes me paranoid too, I barely leave the house and have social anxiety..but when I'm with her I feel confident and happy.
The only thing is the children. If I had no children this friendship wouldn't be an issue. But my autistic DS has for many years threatened to hurt himself if he doesn't get his own way, my youngest is just 5 and is too young to understand SH and I don't really want him to know tbh. My friend is desperate to meet my kids. She bought them Christmas presents, keeps asking if I will come and bring the children and meet her in the town she lives in (we met in a "neutral" town before just in case she got paranoid). My husband has said he doesnt want the children near her due to her MH issues.
I'm really not sure what to do because I don't want to ruin my marriage over this, I know I would never leave my children alone with her (it's common sense, really!) But if it would mean social services and a very unhappy DH I'm not sure I can take the risk. My friend would be very very upset if I tell her this and I'm worried it could lead to her self harming or worse killing herself. What should I do??