Oh heck, male friend seems to fancy me again, will be offended if I reject him, help!!

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

He is about 55? I think. Bit of an old hippy. Has a 15yo son who lives with him half the time. Home educates. Very nice and interesting family, but socially isolated and not your ordinary folk iyswim.
Known them a few years, since Ds1 a baby...he used to seem quite interested in me, (I am 34 now) and I gradually stopped meeting him despite being fond of him.
He just seemed to get really angry (in an offended way) if I said no to a visit or something.
We got friendly again when I was pregnant with Ds2 last spring, it was great, talked about homeschooling which I was interested in, etc. Have been out to his house a few times with the boys. He's been here. We talk about school, mental health/benefits, he goes on about his physical ailments but we get on Ok.

Lately the emails have been more 'I think you are a wonderful person' type thing, which just makes me squirm, though I like him a lot it is not in that way...he doesn't mean to be but comes across as a bit creepy to everyone, I know he isn't really but it took me years to realise it was just his manner. But I'm nt attratced to him.
I keep fobbing him off now about invitations to go to their hosue etc. and I think he will suss...trouble is he gets upset and quite curt when he knows I'm avoiding him. But what can I do, I hate to be around someone who fancies me, let alone give him the wrong idea/encourage him.

It's such a shame, as I do like being friends.

You know what I'm going to say don't you.
Be honest with him.

Sounds like a lonely slimeball to me. Sorry. At his age how's it ok to be so childish about it all? Being alternative and interesting isn't an excuse to embarrass you or be angry if you decline an invitation.

Could you make a joke out of it along the lines of 'is that chat up from the 60s' or something? If it's not a chat up you can both laugh and if it is then he can fess up like a man, you can politely say no, and carry on with the friendship on your terms.

you know, i think we can be a bit judgemental. are we all really so perfect that we can happily criticise someone's reactions to being rejected? so he shows that he's hurt. yes, he should grow up, but it's not always that easy.

personally, i'm not good with face to face stuff. probably he wouldn't be either. i'd email him and tell him you value his friendship, but you don't fancy him. you understand that that will make things awkward for a while, but you don't want to mislead him. you hope that you both can move on from this and continue to spend time enjoying the kids together, as friends.

Have you tried: 'I'm sorry, I can't come round today, I have a date'? That can work.

Or straightforwardly 'I really value you as a friend but it is never going to happen so pack it in'.

btw twinkly, the first part of my post wasn't actually directed at you! i've been judged today and it wasn't nice! sorry to bring my own baggage along.

Thanks girls. Don't worry Warthog, it is unpleasant being rejected, I have had my fair share Hope you are feeling better!

I Can't take any of these approaches without offending him, it would seem...he seems almost to preempt it, like he's expecting it...a bit of game playing going on I think.

Saying that I refused an invitation yesterday evening, and heard back later which I only know now as we went to bed early.
He has gone back to the usual lighthearted conversation, I think...essay type emails quoting each line of mine and responding to it in an educational/advisory fashion. Which is infinitely preferable to the creepy stuff
I think he is lonely. Bored and lonely, and likes us being friends even though he probably knows it won't go anywhere else.

Thank goodness for that! It seems to be an ignoring blithely approach that works then.
I will continue to pretend I have not noticed any of the comments. Then he cannot play the offended game.

Thankyou all for considering my plight

sounds like a plan. he clearly does realise the situation, but then hopes.

nah, resist temptation of a mercy shag. you'll become embroiled in the twilight zone.

the trouble with being friends is that he will always think it means more.

it is the old scenario of you can only ever have male/female friendships if neither poarty are interested

i think he will feel you are stringing him along

you think 34 to his 55 but he doesnt see that as a problem

i think you have to either make it absolutely clear it is only friends or stop altogether or he will become a liability

people need to be told out of kindness where they stand..

good luck babe

Oh yes, I think the shag is beyond me at this point...it was more a self-questioning, as to why I'm not interested, and whether I had actually thought it through. And I have now, and there is no way

Twilight zone! lol Brilliant!

i am looking at this in exactly the opposite direction 50 to 31

Sometimes a gap like that wouldn't matter at all, Ds1's father was the 'love of my life' and he was 12 years older than me, so I think it depends on individual compatibility...it wasn't his age, just, well I'm not really attracted to him.
Thanks for adding your perspective, I appreciate it!

Hmmmm. I would like to offer a fair, kind and politically correct answer to your OP. But in my experience, if he fancies you, you can never be friends. Best to cool things drastically and if necessary, spell it out to him that you are not interested.

my thinking is that 20 years is a heck of a gap tbh well not for shagging but for going out and stuff that might be a relationship it is

i couldnt fancy someone 20 years older well never could so i do think it's odd

but im sure he wants more so you just have to be fair to him and make it clear

Ask him to babysit because you have a date with the most Gorgeous Young Man.

Tell him you love chatting with him cos he reminds you of your dad.

Tell him how pleased you are that your kids have a solid grandad figure in their lives.

blimey babe tht's a bit harsh poor bloke..i doubt he wants to feel rubbished in the process

Do you mean me?

I prefer to think of it as a dose of reality.

It passes a message, sets boundaries and lets him know how she sees him.

Harsh? Really?

hmmmmmmmm...maybe there's a reason I have no friends........

i'm just thinking iof the fragile self esteem of single 50 plus year olds babe

Well if yule's ideas don't work there's always dirty old man up your sleeve

Feck. He tried to ring again last night. I am feeling like crap (bad cold) anyway so didn't answer plus my kids were finally asleep. I thought he might have got the message but it seems not.

I hate this.
Just makes me want to shout 'GO AWAY'

Tell him you couldn't answer the phone last night because you were busy smearing your crabs treatment on your nethers.

Seriously though, you HAVE to tell him straight. If he makes you feel like this - what have you got to lose? Are you really enjoying his friendship anyway? It doesn't sound like it.

Too true Hek. (Not about the beasties though, of course )

I am not enjoying.

I will do something about it.

Thanks.

your name has gone funy

i think you have to finish with him in be cruel to be kind way

i met someone last we at a party and thought he would make an intereting friend but he texted me next day and sounded like he wanted more

anyway i tried a couple of i live two and a half hour drive away texts

but he said its not far

and so i cracked last night and sent him the explicit

well i'm only talking

hahaha

followed by

i'm only being friends with people at the moment

which produced the reply well i understand but and here i paraphrase french men like to seduce beautiful women but im a gentlemen etetc

so i think i need lessons in saying jog on too

we are too nice