Mums partner

[Swimmum78]

I don't like my mums partner. He is racist, argumentative, controlling and talks to my mum like crap. I have tried to get on with him for my mums sake as I thought as long as he makes her happy, but I'm getting to the point where I cannot ignore the bad points. My children no longer see my mum and her partner on their own due to an upset a couple of years ago when they were staying there- I had to collect them as eldest was very upset. My dc have both said they wont stay there without me. My mum took his side in the upset and said my eldest dc (age 7 at the time) was in the wrong.

Since then my mum & partner have asked to take my dc away for 5 days and he 'was very upset' that I said no. My mum still comes to me and sees them on her own which is fine but recently if I have asked if she can come over to babysit she will try to bring partner. I don't need her to babysit, I'm mainly asking so that she gets to spend time with the kids- before she met him she saw them a couple of times a month but now we rarely see her.

I'm just not sure how to proceed from here. They do not respect the dcs boundaries (that they do not want to be left with partner without me or dh present). They are increasingly racist - they sit and make comments when black people are on TV for example so it isn't easily ignored. I don't want my dc listening to the vile things they say.

They want to go on holiday with us next year and I just don't want to go. I can make an excuse or do I tell the truth that I don't want to spend time with him? Do I just continue to minimise contact with them both (and so see my mum less and less) or try to get her to see how he is controlling her?

Just tell her the truth. Then she knows why and it's down to her to fix things with you and DC.

I wouldn’t let either of them near my DC. I don’t have racists in my home. If you can accept the consequences - a massive strip - then just be honest. What have you really got to lose. They’re already very disrespectful and awful. They don’t have yours or your DC’s interests at heart. Very sad for you that she’s not the mum or grandma any of you deserve but she’s made her choice - a racist arsehole - and she’s becoming more like him, so I’d save yourself the hassle of constant excuses and just say you can’t tolerate that behaviour in your home or around your children and that’s on them.

I suppose I feel I've already lost what I had with my mum. And I'd like it back, but not sure it's possible.

I think you really need to be firm with your mum. Children will repeat what they hear from adults and I would not want my children repeating racism. It will become a whole different ballgame if they are repeating it at school as well. This man needs to be nowhere near young children. Hopefully your mum will see sense and get rid of him

It’s not possible while she’s putting her boyfriend above you and her grandkids. I really feel for you but your priority must be what’s best for your DC.

Dealing with boundary pushing requests, knowing she doesn’t respect your wishes, her increasing racism, coming up with excuses, must all be exhausting.

You’re dealing with a huge and painful rejection. She’s choosing a man who treats her badly over time enjoying her grandkids. That’s awful. But it is what’s happening and you can hopefully lessen the ongoing pain and rejection by making more space between you.

If she sees you’re serious about not tolerating his behaviour she might start to realise what that’s costing her and see sense.

On the holiday, you obviously have to say no so it’s either “we’ve already got plans for next year but have a great time” or “we wouldn’t enjoy going away with you and x so won’t join you” and see whether she accepts it or gets angry.

Tell her the truth. You don't like her partner. Your dc don't like him. He is not their grandparent and they (and you) do not want a relationship with him.

I think that you should be really proud of your dc. There is obviously something off about this man. Do not let his wants to override the wishes of your dc.

Be very clear with your mum that she is welcome to see the dc but not with her partner. I am really sorry that you will not be able to have the relationship with your DM in the way that you would like. But the key relationship here is between you and your dc. Protect that at all costs.

Can you be honest with your Mum? Tell her that you want your old Mum back, and the lovely relationship you used to have. Tell her that the feelings of your children are more important every time than the feelings of a grown adult, especially when it's the grown adult who has upset them. Tell her that racism is wrong, no debate, and you won't have your children's minds being tainted by their vile words.

Tell her that her partner, and the effect he's had on her, has lost her a proper relationship with her GC.

I don't think my kids will repeat what they say. They are old enough now to understand, and we talk to them about racism. If anything it's just upsetting, my mum is being dragged down by her partner. As the kids get older and hear more what they say, my mum will just go down in their estimation.

Dm thinks we have never liked him so is very defensive. However the writing was pretty much on the wall at one of our first meetings where he tried to give my toddler a sip of his can and used the N word. So yeah I can say I've never really liked him, but with good reason!

Thanks for all the advice, I am going to have a think about how to talk to her about this without alienating her. I would like to have a relationship with her but not him, but feel like she would say they are a package now so I need to approach delicately.

However the writing was pretty much on the wall at one of our first meetings where he tried to give my toddler a sip of his can and used the N word.

Jesus Christ that's grim.

Tbh I wouldn't trust your mum to make any decisions in your childrens best interests at the moment as she is exercising such poor judgement by remaining with a man who is overtly racist, in front of children no less.

He is disgusting.

He's exactly the type of man to play the 'they never gave me a chance' card to your mum which is so frustrating because you having good boundaries ends up driving a wedge between you and your mum, while pushing them closer together.

But unfortunately because you have children that's the way it has to be in order to keep them away from someone so unsuitable and toxic.

I definitely wouldn't allow her to babysit them - she isn't strong enough to turn him away if he shows up or tell him he absolutely can't come if he tries to join her. It's so sad but she's not someone who can be with them unsupervised now, for babysitting or day trips solo.

I'm really sorry OP, I dread this sort of thing happening