Differing sex drives

[mightbealittlebitmad]

I'm getting very annoyed lately with what feels like constant groping and coercion. His sex drive feels like it's gone through the roof and mine is very much the opposite.

He's not happy at the quality or quantity, if I say no he gets sulky, tries to ask me to sort him out and if I say no to that he gets sulky too.

We've had issues with him always asking for certain sex acts which he knows I don't like doing. Last year he said I was making his life miserable because I wouldn't do them, ruined his birthday because we didn't have sex and is insisting I learn to like receiving oral because he wants to give it. It just doesn't do anything for me, I don't hate it but it just feels meh, always has, doesn't matter who it is so it's not him and he knows this.

He's missing the ripping each others clothes off stage and the several times a day stage which I understand but he's not being realistic. We've been together for 15 years, have 2 small children, things change.

I suspect I might be having issues with early menopause and that might be causing the lack sex drive so I need to look into that but it's also because of how I feel. If I don't put out things are so tense and unbearable, I've had to leave the room because he's sulking that I said no, it's only been a couple of days.

I'm tired of the atmosphere, he feels unwanted and unloved which I understand but the more he sulks the more I pull away and the worse it gets so we just go round in circles.

It's been really awful since he finished work for Christmas, I think we've argued about it every single day even when we have done it, he's miserable, I'm miserable.

Maybe it's time we admitted we just aren't working anymore and go our separate ways. We did try that last year but we ended up back together and I did miss him but I think I've realised that my feelings were normal, he has been a huge part of my life and not being together will feel odd but it doesn't mean we should continue flogging a dead horse.

I suppose I'm worried about work and money if we split. At the minute I do evenings and weekends around the kids but I'll have to look for something in the day but until September I can only do 3 days a week whilst my youngest is at nursery and the big one is at school and it has to work around school hours because he can't do any of the school runs so I need to be around 5 days a week.

Then there is school holiday care too, I just don't know how I'll afford it all on a part time minimum wage job being topped up with UC. He will pay maintenance but that has to cover everything including childcare.

I feel so stuck!

You either split again, or he outsources his sexual desire and has an affair, with your consent.

It’s not ok for him to coerce you into sex; there’s a word for that type of criminal behaviour

Look at how you can leave him safely because you need to leave

This is an old post I realise, but I’ll reply all the same. You’ve painted a picture of a sex pest who won’t take no for an answer and makes unreasonable demands on you. This is all valid as it’s how he makes you feel. Consider for a moment how he feels. From a man’s perspective, sex isn’t always about “getting his end away”. It’s much more than that. You are the one person in the world he shares that level of intimacy with. Sex is about connection and passion and giving as well as receiving. Now here’s an interesting thing about a man’s view of sex. It can also be an indicator to the health of your relationship. If you’re having sex with him then things are ok. It shows him he’s appreciated, needed, desired, and you’re happy enough with his performance as a husband to want to have sex with him. The thing is if he senses that the sex you are having us to pacify him or to just stop him pursuing, his need for validation will be unfulfilled. He’ll ask again maybe a lot sooner than you would like. Now from what you’ve said he WANTS you to want sex. He want to perform oral I would guess because he sees it as his best chance at giving you pleasure. You have said that it’s not your thing, but what is? Is there something else that gets you off that he’s done in the past? Has he regularly made you come? If he’s not made you come does he know this? When a couple start a relationship sex is (usually) a big part of it. Then menopause hits and the unwritten contract of mutual sexual fulfilment goes out the window. Men can get really hurt by this. His behaviour may seem really unreasonable, but try to think of a time in your life when you were in a relationship while your sexual appetite was high. How would you feel if your significant other had refused, or even worse - refused and told you you shouldn’t have a high libido because they don’t. I think your husband just wants to be loved but I’m not sure you feel the same. Your biggest concern about separation seems to be financial which tells me you’re just not that into the relationship. I’m curious how things turned out for you.