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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting over an affair

13 replies

sahtes · 30/12/2021 07:19

My DP cheated on me nearly 3 years ago now. Some days I'm okay and then some days I turn into an insecure crazy person and tell myself horrible things and why this woman was better. I know it's nothing to do with this woman, she didn't even know I existed. I keep checking her social media, it's awful. I feel like I should be over it by now, surely? How long does it take? I never bring it up because I don't want to cause an argument. I know he's not cheating on me anymore of course that's hard to believe but 99% sure. I just have this worry for some reason that one day it will happen again. Is this a sign that I'm never getting over it?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 07:35

You don't want to bring it up because it'll cause an argument. There's your issue. He screwed up and you're not allowed to talk about it.

Did you discuss it at the time and get the answers you wanted and needed?

3 years is a long time. Why did you stay with him?

If you don't believe he'll never do it again I'd walk away in all honesty.

Original poster

sahtes · 30/12/2021 07:40

Thanks for your reply. When I bring it up he says "It was x years ago when are you getting over it". He said he was a lonely loser and wanted to feel liked, we were in a relationship but weren't living together. I stayed with him because I was blind and thought if we moved in together it'd be okay then. It would be okay if I was over it but it still plays on my mind. I don't really know what answer I wanted from him.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 07:43

If you never properly spoke about it and understood it you won't get over it. Especially when he's so dismissive. He doesn't get to be angry at you being upset.

You moved in together and it's not ok, so what's the next step for you?

GoodnightGrandma · 30/12/2021 07:45

It’s never going to be OK.
You need to split and move on. Hopefully, eventually, the anger/upset will fade and you’ll,think about it less and less.

SmartCar · 30/12/2021 07:46

Was he remorseful or was it always your fault? If he never stood up and took blame for his failings then how can you move forward? You need closure on it you need to be able to talk about how it's made you feel.

Ladybugzrock · 30/12/2021 07:52

@sahtes it takes 2-5 years to heal from betrayal. You’re inability to stop thinking about this is perfectly natural. It causes PTSD style symptoms.

Reconciliation however has to happen alongside a truly remorseful spouse. Is your husband truly remorseful or is he rug sweeping? The fact you cannot bring up your pain with him is a huge red flag that this is being rug swept. A cheat is not a good bet. They are likely to cheat again, not all, but most. What is your husband doing to be a safe partner for you?

You do not have to argue but you do have to talk about the affair. What were his ‘whys’? What books is he reading or podcasts is he listening to to help him understand himself and prevent this happening again?

I can recommend two books ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and ‘not just friends’, there is also the Affair Recovery site videos which are really good. He needs to do some work, he can’t just promise this will never happen again.

I’d also do some work on yourself. I think what’s most important is being very clear on your boundaries. Knowing exactly what you will tolerate and being absolutely ready to walk should your spidey senses start tingling again. Have an exit strategy. It sounds counter intuitive but it does help.

Reconciliation can work but the cheat needs to do some really heavy lifting, I believe your problem here is that he’s not. Good luck

Ladybugzrock · 30/12/2021 07:54

Sorry reread, your partner.

I just read your second post and he is not willing to own what he’s done. He doesn’t acknowledge the damage this has caused. Until he dies I don’t see that you can truly move forward.

Didimum · 30/12/2021 07:58

Don’t ever call yourself ‘an insecure crazy person’ because of betrayal. He deeply, DEEPLY fucked you over, and none of your negative feelings are wrong. You aren’t ‘over’ it because he has not done the necessary work to become a safe partner for you again - that’s very plain in the way he is way he is responding to your pain. He is rugsweeping and making it YOUR problem, when it’s all his fault - all of it.

Did either of you have therapy, both individual and couples when this happened? It’s an absolute necessity that you do. What work has he done on himself and your marriage to heal this and heal you?

It takes years and years to heal from an affair, if it’s possible at all, and your standards for yourself need to be sky high.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2021 08:00

Why should you get over this? He destroyed your trust in him and betrayed you horribly. I can't understand why you're still with him, honestly. What a waste.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2021 08:19

OP there's a world of difference between showing remorse for cheating on a partner and just saying what can be summarised as, "I said I was sorry, what more do you want? Stop banging on about it, it was ages ago!"

Even Ester Perel who is not particularly beloved on mumsnet says that you cannot successfully heal from cheating in a relationship if there is no remorse from the cheating partner. This is where he acknowledges the pain, hurt and damage his cheating has caused you and he allows you to talk about it and to ask questions for as long as you need to. He does all he can to reassure you that it's over and that there is no possibility he will hurt you like that again. The relationship will never go back to what it was but a new and different one can be forged. Your partner isn't even touching the sides of this and seems quite happy to leave you with this festering wound. I would seek relationship counselling but if he won't do this then dumping him may be the only way forward for you to close this out.

Original poster

sahtes · 30/12/2021 17:36

I really appreciate all your replies. We never did any counselling and sometimes I think about it but then wonder if it's too late if you know what I mean? He never leaves the house anymore unless it's for work and doesn't have any social media so I know he's not cheating. I just don't know how to give myself that closure or where I think okay I'm over it now. It's also very embarrassing that I took him back because everyone thinks you have no respect for yourself so I haven't told anyone.

OP posts:

ILoveSushi12345 · 30/12/2021 17:37

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way because of some weak, pathetic cunt?

Marineboy67 · 30/12/2021 20:18

Ah it's crap being cheated on...having had it happen to me I don't personally think a relationship ever gets back to being anything like it was. Really interesting how you've pointed out that embarrassed feeling of taking him back without telling people.
The reality is he should be the one to feel embarrassed and ashamed but somehow it reflects back on how we feel.
I think you should get some counselling, it would help you get some real perspective in moving forward.

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