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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve just been dumped

25 replies

GreekOlive · 30/12/2021 00:08

I’m 99% sure my relationship is over. I’ve more or less been told this over the phone. I’m holding out hope that he will change his mind after a few days of cooling off but it’s doubtful.

I’m heartbroken. I’d met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He adores me but things out of our control mean we can’t be together (this post is longer than I planned…), distance is the main one. Neither of us can up sticks and move due to children and sharing care with exes. It’s added so much pressure.

Anyway, the point of my post is to ask what the heck do I do with his Christmas presents that are wrapped and waiting for him? I spent a lot of money and I’m wondering, do I post them to him, or try and return them (mostly bought online and boxes long gone).

My heads in such a mess and I’m focussing on practicalities here

OP posts:

Whiskersonkittens21 · 30/12/2021 00:11

First of all, I'm sorry your going through this.

When it comes to his presents the money is already gone so don't focus too much on what you spent. If you can't get a refund you could try selling them on Facebook Marketplace to recoup some cost. Depending on what they are could you donate them to a mens shelter or a homeless charity etc?

I hope things get easier for you soon though.

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2021 00:11

Oh lovey that is awful. Maybe he will change his mind. But you know if he doesn’t he really isn’t the one for you.

Forget about the presents for a couple of days xxx

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 00:11

That sucks op. Never good to get that news, especially around the holidays.

Sell the gifts on eBay. Or save them for any friends or family birthdays ect...

LampLighter414 · 30/12/2021 00:14

I'm sorry to hear about your break up

It seems you understand some of the key reasons, which is good. I'm glad you're not left feeling clueless

There is no rush to deal with the presents. If seeing them upsets you, put them out of sight now. You have some time to reflect and see how you feel in a few days at least. Perhaps you would like to offer them to him as a parting gift and perhaps he will accept or perhaps find that uncomfortable. Perhaps you can return them - many places allow returns until the end of Jan for things purchased in the run up to Christmas. Anything that can't, could be regifted, sold online or donated to charity.

In the past I have returned gifts not yet given to the store following a break up. I had one break up where my ex really wanted me to take the Christmas presents they had got for me. I did but subsequently returned them a week or so later (messaged and arranged to leave on doorstep) as they were clearly expensive and I felt uncomfortable taking them having ended the relationship. I advised they should return, sell or donate them.

Original poster

GreekOlive · 30/12/2021 00:17

Oh thank you for replying! I’m sitting here in bed shaking. It’s all a bit unreal.
Unfortunately the presents can’t really be donated although that is a wonderful idea. They’re related to a hobby of his, although it’s not massively specialist.
Facebook might be a bit too open for all to see what I’m doing and why, but maybe EBay would work.
You’re right, the money has gone. And it feels like all my hopes and dreams.

OP posts:

Hen2018 · 30/12/2021 00:22

I think there is an option on FB so your friends can’t see what you’re selling.

Sorry you’re having a hard time.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/12/2021 00:23

Sorry you're going through this.

Definitely eBay the presents when you get around to it/feel up to it. Do not send them to him.

It will hurt less in time

GiantHaystacks2021 · 30/12/2021 00:27

Sell his presents.
I would never speak to him again.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 00:29

You'll get through this op. Be kind to yourself.

StanleyGreen · 30/12/2021 00:30

@GiantHaystacks2021

Sell his presents. I would never speak to him again.

Don't be so ridiculous. It's a set of circumstances that neither OP nor her partner can help or change.

coodawoodashooda · 30/12/2021 00:32

@GiantHaystacks2021

Sell his presents. I would never speak to him again.

This

coodawoodashooda · 30/12/2021 00:33

Regardless. Id be clear that his message had been thoroughly understood.

Moretodo · 30/12/2021 00:33

Poor you.
Sounds like he ended it?

As break ups go, it sounds like a "good" one, no betrayal, no abuse, no secrets and lies.

You have to put yourself first here, go into total self care, being very kind and loving to yourself.
Try and book in dates and calls with friends, have a bit of therapy if you can, some exercise to change mood, treats for you and the children, and put it behind you.
Don't let him fuck you about with being friends or leaning on you until he meets someone else.

It has happened to the best of us, and you can survive your feelings.
Have a good cry whenever you need to and you'll soon feel much better.

RedCandyApple · 30/12/2021 00:34

Why can’t you return them? Why did you open them up? You can return them if they are in the box and haven’t been used?

Original poster

GreekOlive · 30/12/2021 00:38

I wouldn’t keep in contact. I couldn’t watch him live his life and find someone else.

We adore one another. But the stress of being apart and the knock on effects of this, have made us fall out and caused angst & stress. We are literally perfect together. But can’t stand being apart. And with no hope or timescales of when we can potentially move in together, he says it can’t work. I’ve always been positive and said things will change.

I really appreciate your replies, I don’t post often and I feel so alone right now.

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 30/12/2021 00:39

I’m so sorry and hope you’re looking after yourself ❤️

Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 00:42

@GreekOlive

I wouldn’t keep in contact. I couldn’t watch him live his life and find someone else.

I really appreciate your replies, I don’t post often and I feel so alone right now.

If you truly love each other it will work out. Give each other some time and space. The presents are not the issue here

plinkplinkfizzer · 30/12/2021 00:47

This is better for the children on both sides . that you can find comfort in .

MerryChristmas21 · 30/12/2021 00:48

I'm so sorry 💐it's rubbish anytime, but this time of year it's harder. Everyone all lived up & the sort of weather that doesn't inspire you to go out for a good walk to burn some energy/emotion off.

Many years ago I broke up with two different blokes for 'practical' reasons and it's hard when there's no anger, just upset.

Be good to yourself & do anything that makes you even a tiny bit happier!

Isthisit22 · 30/12/2021 09:09

@GreekOlive

I wouldn’t keep in contact. I couldn’t watch him live his life and find someone else.

I really appreciate your replies, I don’t post often and I feel so alone right now.

Try not to idealise this. You haven't lived together and thus you only know the good bits. You were still very much in the honeymoon stage so the break up feels tough but you'll survive. Better to end it now if there was no real future.

Billi80 · 18/08/2022 22:56

Hey Op. going through very similar without the presents part. How did you pull through?

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 00:36

OP and Billi -- I sympathise, but I can only say that I think long-distance relationships are very rarely successful. And by 'successful' I don't mean necessarily marriage or lifelong devotion, just happiness while you're together. They're often just the most painful and long-drawn-out way of ending a relationship. I'm going by my own experience and that of several friends. You may have dodged a bullet.

Original poster

GreekOlive · 19/08/2022 08:03

Hi @Billi80 Well, it’s been a turbulent year but the upshot is… we are still together. I honestly think we cannot be apart. The relationship has ended a few times but we keep coming back to each other. It is still long distance and I don’t want to give too many details as it would be outing. But there is hope.
@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus is right though. And I’ve seen similar said on other threads. We are perfect together. But when we are apart, life is so tough and things are strained. It’s just text messages and calls and I would love to be together every day. Long distance relationships are so challenging, especially if you’re REALLY into each other.

I’m sorry I can’t offer practical advice @Billi80 but when I’ve thought it was all over (which has honestly been numerous times) I’ve focussed on me. Spoiling myself, taking up a new hobby. Mindfulness helped. Sending love and I hope you’re okay

OP posts:

CrystalCoco · 19/08/2022 08:25

Relationship 'experts' suggest that long term relationships can be successful if there is a plan in place to "eventually" be together at some point down the line, otherwise it's just wishing and pining.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 08:33

CrystalCoco · 19/08/2022 08:25

Yes. The only one I’ve known that went well was a colleague from overseas who was on a one-year contract. She and her dh missed each other desperately, managed two visits during the year, and as far as i know settled back happily into life together when the year ended. That worked because they always knew when the separation would end.

But best of luck to you both anyway. I hope things turn out well.

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