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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long does it take to get over a relationships?

17 replies

grumpydwarf · 29/12/2021 22:57

My partner of 10 years left me 2 months ago. We still talk daily, he knows I love him and says he loves me but won't come back to try and make our relationship work. I still cry semi regularly about the end of our relationship.
How long does it take to get over someone? When will I stop being so upset!

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 29/12/2021 22:59

2 months is nothing. Why are you talking yo him every day? Stop that and you have half a chance of helping yourself. It feeds him, and doesnt help you, to have contact.

SassenachWitch · 29/12/2021 23:00

You need space and time to heal, I don’t think you’ll start that process whilst you’re still in regular contact with him.

over2021 · 29/12/2021 23:00

My grandma (font of all knowledge!) said you need a month for every year. She also said it helps to get over a man by getting under another (she's been right- on both counts).

Stop talking to him every day or at all - he doesn't live you, he's keeping his options open.

Thanks you've got this.

Robin312 · 29/12/2021 23:01

you won't while you're still in touch with him.

then After 10 years I'd expect it to take about 2 years for you to feel at least someway to moving on. probably 5 to be fully free.

EarthSight · 29/12/2021 23:05

You might not feel ready to end contact with him completely, but at the very least, try to lessen face time with him. Have phone calls with him but don't do 100% video calls. It really doesn't help.

Original poster
grumpydwarf · 29/12/2021 23:22

Thanks all. It's normally text messages more than calls. He wants to stay in contact with my son as he's always been there for him and I don't want my son to lose that either.
I know we need to limit contact and Rey and move on but he doesn't seem to want to which confuses so much as he is the one who left.

OP posts:
Ihateyou100times · 30/12/2021 07:24

How olds your son?

Google chump lady. Your making this harder by remaining in contact so much.

Xxrzx · 30/12/2021 09:24

I think you need to stop talking to him and meet new people

unicornsarereal72 · 30/12/2021 09:45

Clean break needed I'm afraid. Agree aim for a month for each year. Although my ex was a dick and behaved badly. So it took much longer.

Cut contact. How old is your son. Can they text each other.

Get yourself out with friends. Family. Hobbies. Anything to distract you. And this will pass.

Time for him to shit or get off the pot. He doesn't get to keep you emotionally involved. That is cruel.

Fittleswade · 30/12/2021 09:55

I'm 6 months out of a 10 year relationship that he ended. I thought we were forever, it's been brutal. I am COMPLETELY no contact, and so should you be. You have no reason at all to be in contact with him. None. I sense emotional manipulation at play, not cool, cut him off. Also I implore you to check out Chump Lady.

And even though I am NC, and never ever seek him out on social media, I still miss him, still pick up my phone & remember afresh with pain that there'll be no message. Am bereft with overwhelming grief at times, even now. It takes time. A lot of time.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 30/12/2021 09:56

I know it's hard but no contact will help you here. This messaging is getting your hopes up, whatever the content, and stopping you fully accepting that things are over.

How old is your son? After 10 years I can understand why he would want to stay in contact but could you maybe organise a day for them to meet/ Facetime/ call and leave it until then? If your son is older and you trust your ex with him then could they stay in touch independently of you?

He has to respect your needs here and give you space to heal if he's made the decision to leave. It doesn't sound like an awful bitter break up which is good, but he doesn't get to keep coming to you for comfort and familiarity whilst he's doing his own healing, especially not at your expense, which it currently is. You're well within your rights to ask for him not to contact you at all for now, and to even block him if he won't stop texting you.

Not saying you can't ever speak again as friends in future but that's not where you are yet.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 10:14

I know we need to limit contact and Rey and move on but he doesn't seem to want to which confuses so much as he is the one who left

It'll be much quicker for you when you internalise that what he wants and doesn't want isn't something to concern yourself with anymore, due to the fact that he left you. He opted out of having that level of influence in your life, but you are still investing.

This is about you, not him.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 30/12/2021 10:18

You’ve got to get angry
Why aren’t you angry?

Penguinwaddler · 30/12/2021 15:31

My relationship ended recently after 4 years and we are also in daily contact, mostly about shared finances/pets etc as we are selling the house etc. I keep telling myself that I will stop all contact once those aspects are all tied up, but really I need to stop contact about anything aside from the the logistics.

I fully agree with PPs who say being in touch hinders the healing process and is also unfair as the person who left still gets that familiarity whilst they are healing and withdrawing fully from the relationship/from you.

But it's HARD because you miss that familiarity too and you cling to the unrealistic hope that they are talking to you because they miss you and want you back. They may well miss you, but they don't want you back otherwise they would say so. Even if you were to reconcile further down the line, it would need to be after contact has been cut, and you both have accepted the end of the original breakup and fully healed and moved forward. And then you may decide you wouldn't want them back anyway!

I'm sorry you're going through this, it absolutely sucks Flowers It's so hard to let go but setting up those boundaries is really important to help you move on (and I should really listen to my own advice).

Original poster
grumpydwarf · 30/12/2021 15:43

Thanks everyone. My son is 9 so my ex has always been in his life. I wouldn't want to stop that contact between them but I know your all right.
I've asked him not to message me for a bit and I'm not going to message him. I'll give it a week and then see how I feel.
I just hate the thought of never being with him again. Sad

OP posts:
LittleWins · 30/12/2021 15:50

Love to you OP. It’s grief and will take as long as it needs but it can only really begin when you get some space. Contact daily or anytime will hold you back.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 15:55

There are stages to the upset, too. It's not just like you're sitting in a big old static bath of tears and snot, and nothing is changing. To start with, there's the shock, then it beds in and becomes part of your normality, and then after a while, and you may be on the brink of this, you get really REALLY fed up with being so bloody miserable all the time. That's the last bit. It's the end of wallowing, and the feeling inside that 'I'm sad we broke up but for f*$!£'s sake, there must be more to life than this??' The next bit is where you actually start looking in earnest for things to replace the misery with.

It's a bit like how the darkest hour is before dawn. You might feel really shitty, but you're days or possibly hours away from starting the upward journey towards 'I'm my own person, and I take care of my own happiness, regardless of him.'

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