My dh never just kisses me - I’m desperately missing that intimacy

[Dolphinelle]

I’m sure (or perhaps hoping) this is very common but I find it really painful and whenever I’ve bought it up with DH he says we can’t possibly expect a 20+ relationship to be hearts and flowers.

DH is a v good man, he is kind and thoughtful. However we’ve always found it difficult to talk about our relationship without it ending in upset (we rarely argue though). We still have sex fairly regularly (a couple of times a week at least) and although I’m right in the eye of the peri menopause I try to ensure we stay connected physically (sometimes it takes some motivation!)

But we never kiss unless it’s during sex, never hold hands or show any affection in public. We do hug sometimes but I desperately miss The connection that showing affection in that way brings. He buys me sex toys thinking this will spice things up but it’s the other stuff I really miss. When I say that he seems offended or thinks it’s unrealistic,

So I have a few questions I hope you can all help with and should probably make it clear that I have no intention of leaving him or hurting him. I love him dearly and I want a king and happy marriage with him. But equally the thought of living the rest of my life without that fun and intimate feeling seems quite depressing right now.

1. I sometimes think about having an affair just to feel that again, am I a terrible person for even thinking this?

1. Does anyone have any experience of getting this kind of fun back into their relationship when their partner isn’t especially motivated to change?

1. Is it unrealistic to expect this after so long?

1. I don’t want to end a marriage over something like this so is there a way to reframe this and feel more positive about our relationship?

Has he ever been affectionate and kissed you non sexually? If it's a recent thing, then you should be able to get it back. I'm sure others can advice on this better. However, if he's never been one for non sexual intimacy/touching then it's a lost cause.

You say you don't want to end a marriage over this. Why? Because if it bothers you enough that you contemplate an affair, then it is quite a serious gap in your needs being met. And definitely a reason to walk away - no amount of kindness and partnership can make up for how you're feeling atm. You should not be shutting down any needs in order to re-frame and live with something most human beings crave. Touch is important, not just sexually.

The real challenge you will have is how committed he is to listening to you, and understanding how much and why this upsets you. Atm it seems like he just shuts you down, which is also contributing to you feeling invisible outside the sex. Would he consider couples counselling at all?

Thanks so much @todaysdilemma for such a thoughtful answer. At the start of our relationship absolutely, but it’s a long time ago now. It seems like such an easy thing to fix but he shuts down or tells me it’s unrealistic (or points out that we cuddle on the sofa sometimes or in bed but even them mostly on my instigation)

I am at a loss, I cannot bear the thought of ending our marriage but how on earth fo I get the fun back?

Has he explained why it’s unrealistic to kiss and be physically affectionate after all this time but it’s absolutely realistic to get naked and have sex at least twice a week after the same amount of time?

Is it perhaps anything to do with him not seeing kissing and hugging outside of sex to have any benefit to him?

@LeifSan very good points - and if it is that it’s jut not important to him, what do I do? Is it worth throwing away everything else for that?

His being selfish.

Can still shag weekly in a 20+ relationship though, as that suits him.

I honestly don’t know. I do feel like it’s sad that he doesn’t seem to care about physical connection outside of sex. I also think it can be soul destroying to be touch starved (as in physical affection overall) and for the person you love and want to be close to to keep rejecting you.

For me personally, being tactile with someone I love is really important and if they just didn’t want to do that with me I would not want to have sex with them. I feel like you’re making this big effort to keep your sex life regular and he’s really not reciprocating. That seems to smack of taking you for granted to me.

You say he is kind and thoughtful, so how come he is not when it comes to this issue? Because it’s deeply unkind to have sex with someone a couple of times a week and refuse to be affectionate outside of those times. It’s using someone for their body and to get an orgasm, not true physical intimacy. That’s pretty unkind I think.

It’s also a bit concerning you never argue at the same time as never really talking things through. I’d be asking myself how come, after so long? It seems like without being able to disagree and talk about your relationship you are also lacking emotional intimacy as well as physical (outside of sex).

I’d be asking how much you are both connected to each other in reality. On the one hand you talk about throwing away all those years but on the other hand is this what you want the next 20 to be like?

*Has he explained why it’s unrealistic to kiss and be physically affectionate after all this time but it’s absolutely realistic to get naked and have sex at least twice a week after the same amount of time?

Is it perhaps anything to do with him not seeing kissing and hugging outside of sex to have any benefit to him?*

Absolutely this. Calmly put this point to him... why is it so unrealistic to still want to kiss and cuddle yet having sex is still OK? What he means is that he doesn't want to kiss / cuddle. You deserve to understand why.

It sounds like you’re having sex you don’t really want to please him/stay connected, but he can’t even do holding hands etc to please you? The sex isn’t keeping you connected so perhaps only so that if you really want to. Never push yourself any more.

Your physical relationship is one sided, to put it bluntly if you are offering your DH sex on tap he should be offering you cuddles, kisses and whatever else you want in terms of physical contact and affection. Older men, like me, grew up at a time when public displays of affection were a bit naff but you have to move with the times, things are different now. Your DH needs to realise that. How would he react if you put your hand in his whilst walking down the street?

Thank you so much everyone - I took your suggestions and he said the last two years has been pretty claustrophobic and it’s hard living with me as I am so stressed. I should probably add the context that he is extremely clinically vulnerable so it’s meant that as a family we’ve essentially shielded with him for much of this time. I think that’s why this hurts in particular as we’ve been through many health challenges with him. I’m no perfect wife! But I’ve stuck by through it all and tbh this year I’ve really found the constant worry tough. So I’m sure I am stressed a lot of the time. But I used to be so upbeat and optimistic, I feel like I’ve lost not just that part of our relationship but that part of me too. But I so desperately want this to work

You’re stressed so he doesn’t hold your hand etc? So what now?

You do kiss during sex though?

You just want affection. That's not a lot to ask no matter how long you've been together.

However, he's not bothered. It doesn't do anything for him it seems but is quite happy to still stick it in and use your body like a masturbation tool.

He’s blaming you and saying your stress means he doesn’t want to show you affection? But he still expects frequent regular sex?

Sorry OP, it sounds like he thinks he’s the only one who matters in this relationship

Yeah - your last post doesn't give any hope that he's prepared to give any ground on this one.
Does he not see that a bit of affection may reduce your stress levels?

I spoke to my bf last night who said he clearly lives you but yes he’s being an idiot. However sometimes these things just fall out of a habit and although it sucks that I have to instigate it, that I should start to work a habit of giving him a kiss when we get home etc - would love others thoughts on this.

I think it’s quite depressing he’s turned it round on you again and now it’s not that it’s unrealistic to want this type of interaction but your fault because you’ve been stressed - after shielding for so long to protect him. Aren’t you angry? You desperately want it to work but he clearly isn’t that bothered, he’s giving half assed excuses and making it your fault.

Did you ask him why your apparent stress and the claustrophobic nature of shielding hasn’t led to him not wanting sex with you a couple of times a week?

You could try to instigate a new habit of more physical affection but I thought you said those sorts of interactions are already almost always at your instigation.

Tbh he sounds like he massively takes you for granted and your role seems to be looking after his needs. I think it’s pretty outrageous that you’ve shielded with him and done so much to try and keep him safe and that’s actually being thrown back in your face.

The way you describe this interaction between you both is that you approach him for affection, make sure he is looked after, make an effort etc, and he holds his hands out, accepts the bits he wants, rejects what he can’t be bothered with and then blames you for your unhappiness at his lack of reciprocation.

You seem so focused on how YOU can fix things, how you can make it right and how to make it work and you don’t seem to be considering that he is showing no signs of wanting things to work for you.

I’m sorry to say it but I think he has emotionally checked out of your marriage. Maybe it’s time to stop being so accommodating to him and focused on making the problem better and start to focus on yourself.

@LeifSan I was out walking the dog with this morning and I thought the same thing - he tells me I should do more stuff on my own so did it, that’s exactly what I will do. He’s right in so much as I can’t expect him to make me happy all the time and we’ve spent so much time together, we are bound to be bored. so let’s put it to then test. I’m not one for New Years resolutions but I’m going to make an exception - I’m going to focus on my wellbeing, get out and socialise more and see what impact that has on both of us. Then at least if nothing changes from his side then I know where this stands

But also don’t have sex with him unless you truly want to.

This has really got me thinking as I am in the same situation. Stupidly I thought it was common not to kiss that often, especially in long term relationships, it’s not like you see too many older couples kissing and cuddling too often. I’m late 40’s and have been with my dh for 30 years. Although we do cuddle often and he will peck me on the lips, he has never really kissed my properly and will also only do so during sex as he knows it’s something I like. I feel really sad now. I love kissing, in fact I would rather that than actual sex.
I understand op, it’s quite depressing.

If he can still buy you sex toys after 20 years then I'm sure he can still kiss you or hold your hand!

OP, I believe you’ve possibly hit the nail on it’s head.
With all the 24/7 shielding etc, maybe you two are in each other’s face too much!
If you can develop new interests, or even rekindle old ones that you’ve put to one side to accommodate everyone else’s wants and needs, then not only does it bring you new focus, but it may (to him) make you into a more interesting person with new things to say, possibly new friends and maybe make him wonder what he’s missing out on. It may also put the proverbial shoe on the other foot, where you are putting your needs first (like he has been and continues to do so) and he may just realise what he’s put you through.
I have found that when I’ve “pulled away” in a relationship, that it’s had the effect of him wanting to get closer!
Maybe after 20 years you don’t even know what your own true thoughts and interests are, we are still capable of taking on new thought processes and challenges.
Don’t think that it’s too late for you either, coz I at the age of 59, turned my whole way of nutrition and self care around, because it interested me, and I researched and spent time on it. It got me excited, and my other half said that when I talked about it I was positively glowing!
So, yes I agree with you. He can’t then moan that you’re not paying him as much attention, if he’s intimated that he would rather you not “hassle” him about your emotional needs!
You will benefit from doing what you’ve come up with, you will widen your circle of interest, poss make new acquaintances, become more like the real you that you may of stymied gradually- and he will wake up to the fabulous wife that he’s forgotten how to recognise.
If all that fails, you will still benefit, coz you’ll be a stronger person to choose your path going forward.
I wish you all the very best, and remember that you are worth it, and if you were advising a best mate, you’d be encouraging her to make her best life possible.

If you go in for a kiss how does he react?
Does he push you away?

He's telling you it's unrealistic to want affection?

It isn't. There's nothing odd, weird, unusual or wrong in what you want. But there is something wrong with the way he's making you feel that there is. He's making out that you're a bit strange to want something perfectly ordinary. Why would he do that? Why is he against it? Why is he having to use an excuse rather than say what's actually going on for him?

The basics are that he's not giving you something that's important to you because he doesn't want to, and what he wants (in this respect) is more important to him than relationship harmony.

I'm sure just one peck and a quick hand squeeze whilst you were out shopping would mean the world to you, so it'd be fairly easy to reach a compromise.

Is he selfish otherwise? Does he make efforts to compromise in order that other needs of yours are met? Or is this a bit more of a pattern in the relationship than you want to admit?

If he can’t be bothered to give you a quick hug and kiss he can shove his sex toys up his arse.

Great idea to focus on yourself and finding fun and support outside of the home. Go for it OP.