Still think about ex from 10 years ago

[Roo626363]

Just a rant really...I feel stuck in the past at the moment. I’m married and have two kids (just had another baby who is 3 weeks old) ..some of this could be hormones / fantasies of not having any responsibility etc and a different life because of my circumstances but it’s something that’s never truly gone away.

I still think about my ex from almost 10 years ago daily..it was a very passionate relationship which lasted 4 years. Very intense highs and lows..lots of drugs involved which is why it didn’t work in the end as we enabled each other and couldn’t seem to get our shit together when together..although we both did separately. We both now don’t do drugs (last I heard anyway) and own our own businesses..have settled down ...in contrast to doing coke pretty much daily in the last year we were together and every other party drug in between.

He’s 10 years older than me so I was 20 and he was 30 at the time. I chose to end it..honestly I don’t think I appreciated what we had because I hadn’t had another serious relationship at that point..I thought I could find something similar but drug free. I never did..he was insanely charismatic, confident, full of life, hilarious, passionate, intelligent ..and we had lots of fun together and the best sex I’ve had. He was also addicted to drugs though..not trustworthy while on drugs with other women and I didn’t feel safe enough to settle down with him. He wanted to give it a real go and have kids ..I chose to end it as I wasn’t ready and I thought we’d never be able to stop the drugs while together as we had tried many times.

We both agreed to block each other on everything as we couldn’t stay away from each other and were constantly on / off and not moving on... although still had the occasional phone call up until about 5 years ago when I met my husband. He’s also now married and has one child. My husband is the polar opposite and I was happy in our marriage although the relationship has always been very different..but recently I’m not very happy which is why I guess I’m thinking of him more.

My husband is safe, reliable, very moral, lots of integrity, works hard and is a very good person but he’s also quite emotionally and sexually closed off so I’ve always felt the passion and intimacy falls short. I don’t feel I can have a deep conversation without him being uncomfortable or bored..I don’t feel that soul connection I had with my ex. I hoped it was something we could build on as he was such a good person and I felt a more sustainable and healthy option. I know it’s probably not fair to compare a relationship I had when I was young with no responsibilities and taking drugs ...I know that logically but I find my head so stuck in the past lately. I feel intense nostalgia..like I maybe made a mistake and things could have turned out differently. I think at the time the age difference was too big with my ex and it probably could have worked if we’d met when 30 and 40 instead of 20 and 30.

Just a massive rant really...I had some therapy last year after a miscarriage and my therapist thinks it’s not the ex I miss it’s the emotional connection and passion because my relationship isn’t right. I also wonder if it’s lack of closure / issues with quite a dark part of my life in terms of the drugs rather than being hung up on him. I’m not so sure though.. I just feel I’ve made a mistake and messed up my life. I don’t regret my kids of course so I can’t regret my choices too much. I wouldn’t reach out to him as he’s probably happy and it’s been so long but sometimes I really wish he would reach out to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?! I feel totally mad because it’s been so long

I’d totally agree with your therapist. If you’d stayed together it would likely be very destructive.

I have something like this. I still think about a guy from over 10 years ago (15 actually). The worst thing is he was a totally unsuitable guy I had a fling with at the end of a long relationship in my twenties. The attraction/lust was like nothing I have ever experienced and it was also during a time I was experimenting with lots of drugs and he was on even harder stuff.
Now I am married with one child and hardly drink/never touch drugs and have a professional job but my marriage isn't particularly happy. I think it's fantasy reasons that I can't stop thinking about him as apart from my wonderful child life is pretty dull. I am considering therapy as I know contacting him would be a terrible idea but I am often tempted. I read somewhere that covid has lead to a lot of people contacting their exes. I am waiting for this to pass but it has been months already!

So you were 16 and he was 26, and a junkie what’s to miss. Honestly sounds like a predictor. Now you have your own children, imagine them in that situation. Your crush on this old ex will vanish

@Catcrazy83 I was 20 and he was 30 when we met not when we split. we split when I was 24 and I’m 33 now. Fair point on imagining my kids in that situation though ...

Oh my bad, but still, he does not sound like a nice man. Blame the hormones and forget about him

This is an enjoyable fantasy and distraction from the monotony of family life. I know how consuming those thoughts can be, I’ve had a few times like this over the years but never acted on any of it. Time is a very good healer and in a few months you may be like “what was I thinking?!!”

I think it's normal to have thoughts like this and it's more likely there's something missing in your life currently rather than it actually being about the guy.
When Covid hit a few months into things I started to get intense feelings about my ex from 2012 who I met at summer camp in America and had an intense 'love at first sight' type relationship. I found old emails from him and got totally wrapped up in those feelings and comparing my current partner to him. Really bad place mentally and I ended up reaching out to him. We spoke, and then all the bad things about him came rushing back and made me realise how amazing my current partner is and how happier I was with him

It was a strange time, but I do think it's normal to think about/fantasise about what could have been

So he was taking hard drugs at age 30-34 (so not that young) and you couldn't trust him because he was unfaithful when he was on drugs...

Pretty easy to be charismatic and fun and passionate when you don't give a shit about the consequences, when you can play around and when you don't have any responsibilities. That isn't passion. That's immaturity and stupidity and by that age he should have known better.

You're that age now so you should know better. Instead of mooning over druggie idiots who couldn't keep it in his pants, why don't you focus on creating more passion and fun and intimacy with your hubby?

This reminded me of the Netflix series sex/life. It’s quite common sometimes op. When life becomes somewhat monotonous and maybe a bit boring, a lot of people begin to romanticise and think about a time when they were younger/ more carefree/ when life was more exciting.
As has been said by pp though, imagine what your life would be like now if you had stayed with this man.
If you miss say, being spontaneous in life why not think about adding some fun things into your life with your dp?

Lots of people have 'a one that got away' ex. Keep all those good memories but try to find the good in your current relationship. Life is full of ' what ifs.'

Your life doesn’t have to be a choice between your fantasy with your ex and being unfulfilled with your current partner. It also sounds a pretty poor deal for your current ‘nice guy’ DP, being unfavourably compared to a drug addict ex. Why not give him the chance to meet someone who puts him as number one.
If you are as unhappy as you sound then break up and learn to be happy without a man, and maybe the right one will be out there.

Ex ticked boxes that aren't getting ticked anymore, and you need a relationship that ticks them.

There's no need to complicate this with thoughts that you're going mad etc. Take responsibility for your needs. Work out what you need, and whether it's important enough to leave your current relationship for. Then act accordingly.

That's it. It's nothing to do with your ex. It's nothing to do with your husband. It's everything to do with you.

If you're thinking 'I may well have been happier if I'd stayed in a dramatic, unfaithful relationship plagued with addiction', then that's not an indicator that you made a mistake to leave him; it's an indicator of just how unhappy you are.

I have some parallels with you OP but I'm now having a phone/chat/emotional affair with my "one who got away" and am in absolute emotional turmoil. Leave it in the past, daydream and think "what if" but don't act upon your thoughts, maybe try to use it to help focus on what's good in your marriage and what could be improved upon, and take steps to improve your relationship if you want to.
You have a new baby though, and when my children were born I really felt I hated my DH so much as it all just made me feel so trapped and committed and just stuck. Like the permanence of having children together somehow magnified everything I found annoying about DH. I don't know if that's normal or whether I've been in a marriage which has always been wrong, but I know that when I've had a newborn baby I haven't been able to think clearly at all, and it isn't the time to make big potentially life changing decisions!