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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

those who forgave their partners for cheating....

30 replies

cogsmede · 29/12/2021 18:51

how is your relationship now?

I forgave my partner for cheating. I only found out recently that he cheated on me twice about 6 months ago. I found messages, lots of them. I found two different women he did not have sex with, but had done other sexual things with. I messaged both of the women and asked what happened. Both were friends he met at school. One woman said it was a one time thing and the other woman said it happened around 3 times.

I always thought I would be the type of woman to leave instantly if I got cheated on. I would be strong and independent and know that I deserve better. It's really easier said than done isn't it.

I confronted him and he apologised so much and said he was in a bad place (he was, his parents both died around that time and he was very distant from me. I thought giving him space would help him grieve in his own way and I didn't know he was out doing that). He said everything I wanted to hear and promised to be better. He placed a lot of blame on the fact that he was going through this huge time in his life and it would never happen again.

I forgave him. But since I found out it's all I can think about. I want to know from others who forgave their partners for cheating, how did it go? Did they cheat again? Are you happy together now? How did you trust them again? I'm a firm believer that people can change. I just want to know how other people got past their partner cheating

OP posts:

theremustonlybeone · 29/12/2021 18:55

Sorry I have zero tolerance for cheats so mine were dumped. Too much stress living with someone who could treat me that badly. If your happy to live your life on edge, worrying about the next one then off you go...i dont know how long you have been together but i am assuming not long- so i would be telling you to raise your bar and find someone who treats you like a queen and doesnt use life stressors to stray

theremustonlybeone · 29/12/2021 18:58

i should add for those i know who stayed with a cheat they all cheated again...including my father who pissed off when I was 8.

Struggling1702 · 29/12/2021 19:02

I stayed... He cheated again 💔. Separated two years and getting divorced.

He cheated twice when our first DC was 2 years old... We went through a year of counselling, had another child.... Then it happended again when she was 2

BoodleBug51 · 29/12/2021 19:06

My Dad cheated on my Mum repeatedly. Hence I have a zero tolerance policy.

Is he honestly worth not having peace of mind ever again? Because my experience of cheaters is that it's never ever just once (friends etc).

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 29/12/2021 19:10

I stayed after the first time as I'd just given birth and was all over the place. I just wanted to keep the family together. It completely wrecked my trust though, and unfortunately let him think if I'd forgiven him once I'd do it a second time. So he cheated again. I didn't leave immediately (there were other things too, abuse etc) and I had to wait until I could get away with my DC without him following. By this time he wasn't hiding the fact that he had a hook up app and was going out every few nights for random shags.

ILoveSushi12345 · 29/12/2021 19:11

It's really easier said than done isn't it.

If you're financially fucked and have kids and a mortgage then yes it's easier said that done. Otherwise no - it really isn't. I'd be out of there faster than a fart in the wind. Fuck that shit.

Santaslittlemelter · 29/12/2021 19:14

There's no fixing some things OP. But nothing wrong with pretending to him (and even yourself till you're a bit stronger) that you're staying. It can give you time to set your life back up without him.

Good luck op. Don't stay in a relationship that is 100 times less than what you signed up for.

endofbluenight · 29/12/2021 19:16

They always have a reason for cheating.

He found a reason to excuse the cheating in the past, he'll find an excuse in the future.

They are always good at finding excuses.

SmartCar · 29/12/2021 19:23

Watching.... partner of 13 years cheated. Don't know how I feel.

Catcrazy83 · 29/12/2021 19:31

Never could, zero policy from me. I left heavily pregnant with only the clothes on my back and a sure start grant

katieg03 · 29/12/2021 19:45

I couldn't. I couldn't even look him in the eye let alone touch me again after hed been elsewhere. Your oh hasn't just cheated once. It's twice that you really caught him at. I'd struggle to let that slide. I've been through enough shite to know my own worth. Aside from the risk of catching an sti, he could of got someone pregnant. I simply couldn't do it. I'd guess you'd need quite a bit of counseling alone let alone couples counseling

Ladybugzrock · 29/12/2021 19:58

I’m reconciled, very happy I did. Firstly, finding out your partner has cheated is traumatic, it takes a long time to heal from cheating (2-5 years) and that doesn’t change whether you stay or go. So you just have to ride the pain the best you can, self-care first.

I’d read a couple of books ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass and ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’ by Mac Donald. Both these books will help you unpick what is expected of a remorseful partner. MOST cheaters regret being caught, but are not remorseful. You don’t want to even attempt reconciliation with an unremorseful partner.

Then pass both books to your partner and watch his actions, do not listen to his words his words are meaningless. He should show you in every action that he wants to be a safe partner.

Watch videos on the Affair Recovery site and read stories on Surviving Infidelity and their reconciliation board. I’d suggest individual counselling for him before you go near marriage counselling. DO NOT LET HIM RUGSWEEP THIS, do not accept his pathetic excuses (what happens next time life gets a bit rough for him?) or accept any blame. Cheaters are very likely to cheat again, he has to understand he is a risk, he has work to do!

DO NOT feel any shame, either for his actions or for your desire to give him another chance. You have every right to make your choices BUT do it in the safest way you can, know your worth, the rules you had will need rewriting, make sure you’re very clear on your boundaries. You may decide in a few months time, that cheating is a deal breaker for you and that is absolutely your right. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

anotherdaynotanotherdollar · 29/12/2021 20:00

@katieg03

Agree with this. I found out my EH was having an affair with a woman at work. We weren't getting on but I never though he would cheat.

Once I found out I pretty much followed the script. Tried to make it work whilst hating him and checking his every move. Turned out checking his every move gave me conclusive proof that he wasn't going to stop. After that being near him made my skin crawl.

I went through hell and back, but then I DID bounce back and me and DD had a lovely life for nearly 4 years where we danced every Saturday night together (she was 5 at the start) and I could do what I wanted, when I wanted without the constant worry of what he was doing. I felt a sense of freedom if not experienced before. I then met my DP and was able to be upfront about who I was and what had happened to me. He is the best man, and I thank my lucky stars that I left and that act alone meant I met my DP. It has changed me forever, but my DP knows what I went through and knows that I won't accept any form of flirting etc. it's just a deal breaker for me. He is the absolute love of my life, and I had I stayed with a person that didn't value me enough to keep his dick in his pants I wouldn't have met him, and I wouldn't have the life I now have.

Do not devalue yourself. No one deserves to be cheated on - ever. X

AmandaHugenkiss · 29/12/2021 20:07

I forgave my ex. He did it again. He said all the right things, gave loads of heartfelt excuses and cried on the sofa for nights on end. He still did it again, and lied through his teeth. I never recovered trust in him fully either. I’d lie there in the dark at night wondering.

I’m now zero tolerance. I’m happier without him, and wouldn’t make myself miserable for any man again.

BlissfullyIgnorant · 29/12/2021 20:09

With my ex, being caught cheating only served as a lesson to him on how not to get caught the next time. He even went as far as video calling me from his hotel room when working away on 'business' and showing me what it looked like. Really, it was to try and prove any cases there were his alone, except he forgot to show his stuff, case, toiletries, anything else he would have needed to unpack on arrival. I also found out he was using the Yotel at Heathrow T4 for his hookups, and, after one particularly nasty argument about infidelity, he gave me his logins for his email so I used it and found his registration and confirmations from adultfriendfinder
He only got worse over time.

Kindra · 29/12/2021 20:12

@cogsmede I wouldn't recommend it. I kicked mine out when it transpired that he'd sent creepy sexual messages to someone vulnerable, and he turned out to be an out and out sexual predator as well as a proper cheater. If they aren't decent enough to be faithful then they aren't worth your trouble

AngryWithH · 29/12/2021 20:15

I forgave for similar reasons (his mum died).
He finished with OW and for five years it was the best part of our marriage. Then things fell apart for other reasons but I do not regret the five good years.
Don’t throw it away for this unless there are other reasons.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2021 20:16

Your Partner gave himself permission to sexually/emotionally cheat and have secrets with 2 different women. He didn’t come to you with a confession, so would have kept up the deception indefinitely. This liar has been lying, so I would assume that you still don’t have the full story and that he and the OWs are downplaying. You need to be tested for STDs.

Cogsmede, what consequences have you set as a result of his infidelity and dishonesty? He needs to feel the loss of you, so I suggest that you send him away for a while at least.

I personally wouldn’t stay with my H if he treated me with such contempt and disregard, but if you do, you need to structure some recovery requirements. Besides the obvious access to devices/records and transparency in answering questions, your P needs to work on himself (through individual counseling, reading, videos) to examine his selfishness, weak boundaries, and dysfunctional coping skills.

Proceed with caution, Cogsmede.

Alayalaya · 29/12/2021 20:21

I was cheated on by three different partners. I tried to forgive and carry on but I felt distrustful and scared they would do it again. The first two continued to cheat and eventually I saw they didn’t love me otherwise they wouldn’t be treating me like this so I dumped them. The third one was the hardest because I truly loved him, he swore he was committed and as far as I know he didn’t cheat again, but I still felt anxious and couldn’t trust him. Then I found out he was a serial cheat and had cheated on other girlfriends including the mother of his child. That made me realise he simply wasn’t a good guy for me or anyone else, so I sadly ended it. Life is hard enough without worrying whether your partner has got your back or not.

Onthedunes · 29/12/2021 20:27

My 2 women he shagged because of his parent's death.

Funnily enough when both my parents died, I didn't feel the need to shag arround.

Get a health check.
Get your steely head together for a tumultuous time, life with him will never be the same again, whether you can forgive is dependant on his actions from now on.

It's all on him to repair the damage.
He's the one who should try.

If it's not good enough then walk.

NowEvenBetter · 29/12/2021 20:31

What is it that’s stopping you from dumping your lying boyfriend? What makes you think he won’t do it again? You already know for a fact that you can’t believe his words.

icedancerlenny · 29/12/2021 21:35

Divorced. Forgave him - forgave him again. Continued until one day I was suddenly diagnosed with a life limiting condition where I was told stress exacerbated it and I left. That was 7 years later - save yourself the hassle and leave now.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 29/12/2021 22:04

I have no experience of this but I don’t understand why his parents dying is any kind of excuse or explanation?!
I wouldn’t be able to forgive someone.

rubbleonthedoub · 29/12/2021 23:25

Google chumplady she will keep you right

layladomino · 30/12/2021 16:43

Like pp I don't understand how parents dying / family being ill / any other problem is in some way an excuse for cheating. He is giving you a very lame excuse. And if it's true that in times of trouble he feels the need to have sex with other women, what does that mean for the rest of your relationship? Will you be watching in fear every time he suffers a loss of some sort? Every time he's ill or stressed with work or has a financial problem?

In times of trouble we turn to our nearest and dearest for support and comfort. Why did he look elsewhere?

I'm sorry, I know you said you've forgiven him, but you clearly can't forget what he did, and I can see why. It's OK to not be OK about it. It's OK to take your time and see how it goes. He broke the relationship. You've been trying to mend it. That might not be possible, and it will still be down to him if it fails.

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