Background: Since my childhood my mum has been bad tempered, controlling and unhappy. I have been her "therapist" for 40 plus years since she divorced my dad when he had affair . The divorce was protracted and messy and as the eldest child I was given the responsibility (by relatives and DMs friends) of "looking after" DM. Ive spent 40 years trying to do stuff to make her happy. If she disapproved of a choice I'd change to do something she did approve of. She met my step dad 30 + years ago. He died 18 months ago and she has since moved in with my sister and my family.
Why I'm posting I feel pressured by DM to visit her as often as possible and for as long as possible. I'm not in the best of health, physically or mentally, and get tired very quickly. I have constant pain . When I go to visit, DM complains constantly about her aches and pains and how tired she feels, but that doesn't stop her wanting me to take her out shopping. We spend hours walking round the shops. It tires me out so much that the next day I am really fit for nothing. OH told me he's worried that I'm going to make myself ill. While I'm with her all she does is complain about my sister, my nieces, my BiL. They are all nice people and make a big fuss of her - she calls my niece a "bitch" or a "fat bitch" when she's talking about her - I think she's jealous. I try to grey rock but the way she talks and her complaining make me very uncomfortable and it upsets me.
I try to put boundaries in place - like only going shopping once a week but whenever I do something that she doesn't like she starts to sob and say things like "I'm just a burden" or "I've always been kind and good so why am I treated so horribly". I feel so awful and mean that I end up giving in and we do what she wants. She says I'm her best friend, but it's a friendship that's all one way. She's wearing me out and I don't know what to do.