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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner works away

17 replies

Rachlit · 29/12/2021 16:14

Hi all. Just want to tell my story and get some advice from people outside of my circle on this. So me and my current partner met 5 and a half years ago on a dating site. He works away for 3 months at a time, 3 months at home so for a few years we had a very on off dating relationship. For a year, we went our separate ways, saw different people, then last year decided we wanted to give it a proper go and became 'official'. Its quite hard when a partner works away, but this time he was away 4 and a half months, came home just before Xmas, but has been really stand offish with me, wanting space and not wanting to make plans with me because he needs time to readjust.

He has said he 'doesn't make plans, so don't expect me to ask you cos I don't think about these things' and also he's 'not bothered about time away if we booked a holiday cos its no different to being at home' I'm just a little confused when he doesn't see me for usually more than six months of the year why he wouldn't want to put some effort in to make plans with me. .. I think he could suffer with autism, and thinking differently to most, So I don't want to completely dismiss him but it makes it very difficult to build and develop the relationship to more than just seeing each other a few times a week when he's home. He doesn't seem to get that I don't want to be the one to put all the effort into it and do all the asking.

I just wondered if anyone else experiences similar with their partners. Thoughts?

I'm struggling to put it in perspective, but I know I need to make a difficult decision. Im 32, want to settle down and have a family soon and it feels like we are going a bit in circles.

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 16:17

Pop him back where you found him.

DH has worked away for varying lengths of time for 20+ years. He looks forward to planning stuff for us to do. OK, he likes to stay at home but we work through that. Mainly because neither if us us totally selfish.

Your man hasn't worked that bit out, he may never work that bit out. So pop him back or prepare to spend the next decade or so teaching him differently - and then popping him back!

Original poster

Rachlit · 29/12/2021 16:23

Thank you. That's really helpful. I think maybe deep down I know this. I deserve someone who will make time for me and want to make an effort to consider me as well as their own wants and needs. Maybe it's time to draw a line in it.

OP posts:

Dery · 29/12/2021 16:23

I've never had a partner who works away for significant chunks of time but this sounds pretty unpromising to me.

It sounds like - instead of absence making the heart grown fonder - he's just grown very used to not having to accommodate you, probably because you were on and off for the first 4 years or so.

It seems pretty obvious to me that if you're now officially a couple he should be very keen to re-connect when you're back together and to make plans for couple activities with you; instead he wants to maintain his distance and put no thought or work into couple activities. I think your expectations in that regard are reasonable and his behaviour is concerning.

He also sounds like bad news for starting a family with - the long absences will be difficult in themselves and since he seems to be struggling to cope just being with you when he returns, he's going to struggle a damn sight more if he's returning to you and a baby.

Sorry, OP, but if you want to start a family, it sounds like you would be better off cutting your losses and looking for someone else. It doesn't sound like he can give you what you, very reasonably, need.

LIZS · 29/12/2021 16:24

Does he live with you when not "away" or have a base? Unless you are very confident in his absences I would wonder if there are other relationships in other locations where he spends his time.

me4real · 29/12/2021 16:39

I'm just a little confused when he doesn't see me for usually more than six months of the year why he wouldn't want to put some effort in to make plans with me. .. I think he could suffer with autism

Not necessarily, he could just not be that into you, or both. I think I'd feel a bit used if I were you.

WildFlowerBees · 29/12/2021 16:41

I work away for 6 weeks at a time home for 5 weeks and I can't wait to get home and do things with dh. However it does take me a few days to wind down, get out of my 'working brain' and settle into being at home, sharing a bed etc. Could that be part of it?

Nosnowthisyear · 29/12/2021 16:42

He doesn’t sound excited to see you even after being away for so long. I think it’s sounding like the end.

Mamamamasaurus · 29/12/2021 16:45

He just doesn't sound that into you, for whatever reason.

Throw him back.

pastypirate · 29/12/2021 16:48

I briefly dated a man like this. Found out from a mutual friend he was still hing up on his ex.

Op does this chap live in a shared house and have name beginning with N?

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 16:53

Why do I get the feeling he 'lives with you' when he's back?

He's a complete waste of your time and energy.

Original poster

Rachlit · 29/12/2021 17:38

Thanks all. He's definitely working and not having other relations. And is open at the fact he knows he's not got a normal personality and doesn't have the same 'feelings' as normal people. But I just find it a bit hard to believe. He made a comment that he 'hates texting love you' everyday when he's away because its unneccasaary and pointless, but he does it to keep me happy because he knows I like it. But then went on to say he does love me and means it when he says it. Im massively confused by the whole situation. Does this guy genuinely love me and want to be with me or am I just a convenience for him when he's home from work and wanting someone to fill some spare hours with?!

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 17:43

Hell! For the last 25 years mine has made sure to make even a 30 second phone call, send texts, to tell me he loves me. He is the one who makes contact (nature of his work) and he has never missed, even when in Nigeria 25 years ago when he was installing their mobile network. He always found an internet connection to email me. Always.

Yours doesn't sound like a keeper, I am afraid.

Dery · 29/12/2021 17:49

As is said from time to time on MN (and I think it's true): love alone is not enough. Yes, he may love you - or at least, he may love you in his way. But does he meet your needs? Do you feel secure and content in the relationship? If you were to start a family, do you feel he would be properly available to you and your and his new baby? Would he give you the support you need or would he just retreat into himself? Will he always be in this job which involves him working away for half of the year? It may not be feasible for him to change job but some might say that a sign of his commitment to the relationship could have been to find a job which means he's with you for most if not all of the time.

I may be completely wrong here but I can't help feeling that if you and he had been destined for a life-time commitment, you wouldn't have been on again/off again for 3 years and then split up. The compatibility and the desire to build a life together would have become clearer sooner. It might be different if you were teenagers when you got together but, if I've understood the timeline correctly, you were 26/27 ish when you first started dating.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 17:53

He made a comment that he 'hates texting love you' everyday when he's away because its unneccasaary and pointless, but he does it to keep me happy because he knows I like it. But then went on to say he does love me and means it when he says it.

That makes sense though. He doesn't want to tell you he loves you for the sake of it. You shouldn't need to be told every day. Are you just saying it out of habit?

me4real · 29/12/2021 17:53

And is open at the fact he knows he's not got a normal personality and doesn't have the same 'feelings' as normal people.

They sometimes say things like this so they can get away with treating a woman badly, or so that if she says something isn't ok, they can then say 'well I told you what I'm like.'

Does this guy genuinely love me and want to be with me or am I just a convenience for him when he's home from work and wanting someone to fill some spare hours with?!

His motives/thoughts aren't relevant OP, what matters is does this relationship satisfy you, or are there many times when it lacks something you need? You are not happy with this arrangement.

Original poster

Rachlit · 30/12/2021 10:47

Thanks all

OP posts:

HairyFanjoBanjo · 30/12/2021 10:55

Being very blunt, but I it’s fairly simple OP, you are incompatible.

The relationship doesn’t meet your needs and leaves you feeling confused and questioning yourself.

Do you want to spend more time feeling this way? Years perhaps?!

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