How to break up

[PennyLaneIsInMyEars]

Hi. I'm on the brink of deciding to break up with my partner, I just wonder how forceful I should be about it. I feel that my needs are not met in the relationship but I also feel concerned about how he will be without me. We have been together for a few years and I know that he is having trouble getting driving lessons, organising his finances, getting taken seriously at work or when on the phone (he has a strong accent and is constantly telling me people are not listening to him/disregarding him because of his accent). He is fairly educated but in this country works in building which again he often finds is fairly hostile to him and there seems to be a constant threat of losing work to others. I feel he does get seriously discriminated against and his self esteem is very low so he doesn't know how to stick up for himself.
I feel I do not get my needs met and at the moment because I thought we were on the same wavelength about moving I moved away and whilst he was with me for a few weeks we've now been at different ends of the UK for over a year. Long distance texts are boring (Good morning etc) and even when we are together he is more of a stay-at-home-and-keep-out-of-the-rain-type and I'm usually hoping for him to be struck with inspiration and want to go out with me for a walk/to a cafe/anywhere.
Additionally I do not want to have children with him and I think he is starting to think he would like children. I have a teenager of my own and I'm paying the mortgage on a relatively small place that just about does the two of us.

I'm finding it really difficult to break up with him as I want to do it gently, I'm scared of being alone, he's scared of what this will mean (he would have to change his address and take his stuff that he has here). I think I've got to an age (I'm 40) where I'm more fearful about being single and I'm also scared to really leave him in the lurch.

How do I do it? Some advice would be much appreciated.

What do you mean, forceful? You just tell him that you've been thinking about the relationship, and its not working for you. You wish him every happiness in the future, and thats it.

You don't have to negotiate the end of your relationship. You can just end it.

Its not up to you to grow his backbone for him. Just grow your own and do what you need to do FOR YOU.

You tell him you're just not feeling it anymore and think it's time you go your separate ways.

He surely must have an inclination that living at the other side of the country is not necessarily a recipe for a happy, long term relationship.

Be firm about it. Perhaps put his stuff in storage and pay for 1 month and then mail him the key. That way he doesn't have to see you again.

Breakups are hard for everyone. But an attempt at sparing another persons feelings is not reason to martyr yourself to something that no longer works for you.

I'm in a similar situation and really struggling with it. We've been together five years. His mental health isn't great. I'm scared of how it will affect him. But I know it's not right for me. I'm also scared of being very lonely. I don't have many friends, only one nearby, no family nearby either. I'm studying at home, so don't meet people at work either. I know that's no reason to stay together, but it is a fact.

I don't know how to word it so that I don't upset him. He's done nothing wrong, I've just gradually realised I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

You just tell him that you've been thinking about the relationship, and its not working for you. You wish him every happiness in the future, and thats it. Nailed it Funnylittlefloozie

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person but are you also a bit of a "rescuer." You can't change how the building industry works (my brother works in it and every request for something is met with "well if you don't like it we can hire x,y,z (insert a team from another country of origin) instead" or your P's accent. Even if you could he'd likely find something else to complain about. All of this is really irrelevant - you want him to leave (only your and DS matter) and so he should. He isn't entitled to bunk up at yours just because you feel sorry that he finds life in the UK difficult. Put your own and your DS's need first. Keep it brief like suggested above and give a deadline for collecting his gear.

It will be tough but plan it out, speak low and clamly and then breathe a sigh of relief when it's over.

I am/was in a very similar position and posted about it yesterday. I’ve known for a while that my BF wasn’t right for me but I couldn’t pull the plug as I was so worried about how he’d cope as he has health problems that affect every aspect of his life including his ability to earn but mainly his self esteem. I’ve been gently persuading him to get MH support but he doesn’t want to and I’ve had to face up to the fact that I can’t save him. In the end, my DCs came to resent him and following a fallout, I broke things off yesterday. It was really hard to make the call and I’m not sure he’s accepted it but at least it’s done.

I’m approaching 40 and have realised that I will probably not meet someone who can cope with my DD’s issues (she’s autistic). It’s probably for the best as I just end up trying to save people from themselves.

Today I feel sad but relieved although I’m worried for him still. I messaged first to say we need to talk so he had a heads up about what was coming and then I wrote a script because I knew I wouldn’t find the words in the moment. Rip the plaster off OP, you know it has to be done at some point even though it’ll be hard

Just be honest and brief. You cannot sacrifice yours or your childrens happiness simply to spare him 'upset'.

You are not responsible for how he deals with the break up either. He is an adult, and as such, he must be responsible for himself.

I'd suggest a text saying 'We need to talk' first, then suggest a time for you to call him when you will have peace to talk.
Don't be tempted to 'draw out' the conversation, or to let him try to persuade you to listen to his point of view, because it's simply 'dragging out' the upset.

Just say that you no longer feel the relationship works for you and your kids, so you are ending the relationship. You wish him all the best for the future.

Then cut dead any further attempts at conversation by saying 'As I said, it's just not working for me anymore, and there's nothing else to say.'

It's hard, but you'll feel so much better once you've actually done it. Grasp the nettle and get the hard part finished. Then you can move forward with your life without further stress or regrets.