How much compromise in a relationship?

Penguinwaddler · 2021-12-28T20:57:51+00:00

My 4 year relationship has recently ended. We had shared interests, hobbies, values and goals for the future. What we didn't share was good communication and as time went on we both withdrew and didn't express how we were feeling. We had a house, pets and had the wedding booked for next year. As it's all still raw, I'm yet to fully see that the breakup was for the best. I feel like if we had expressed our needs in a healthier way (rather than both withdrawing) then it could have worked. But then, I wonder if that really would have worked? I think we had differing views on what intimacy meant in a relationship. So even if we had spoken about it more openly, would those needs have still meant we were incompatible? Essentially I am wondering - how much would you compromise in a relationship? If the majority of it made sense and aligned with majority of your goals and values, could you compromise on some of the others? Apologies if this doesn't make much sense. For reference, we are in our early 30s.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 21:02

It would depend what the compromises were and what the needs were

If it's a case of 2 people equally keen but have different love languages then I'd make the effort to express love and affection in their love language, even if it isn't the language I would usually seek.

If it's a case of fundamentally different levels of neediness then that would probably be a deal breaker to me because I would hate feeling checked up on or feeling a sense of obligation to validate a partner. Over time the obligation and endless contact would grind me down and I'd probably check out.

BasicDad · 28/12/2021 21:05

I wouldn't compromise on kindness, extreme views, children, fulfilling sex and money/ambition.

Everything else could be compromised.

Alcemeg · 28/12/2021 21:09

"What we didn't share was good communication and as time went on we both withdrew and didn't express how we were feeling" ... could be translated as "We didn't really understand each other." That's a huge thing, OP. It's worth waiting to find someone who you don't need to explain your feelings to because they already know. Or someone that communication is easy and natural with, not something you have to make a special effort to manage.

It must be very sad and difficult for you now, but one day you'll be glad you didn't settle for less.

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 28/12/2021 21:17

Thanks both for your replies! It's really helpful to learn others views around compromise.

I feel so frustrated as I feel like with a bit more communication we could have worked through it, particularly as we shared so many values/goals. But, he didn't want to so that's that

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Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 28/12/2021 21:21

@Alcemeg

"What we didn't share was good communication and as time went on we both withdrew and didn't express how we were feeling" ... could be translated as "We didn't really understand each other." That's a huge thing, OP. It's worth waiting to find someone who you don't need to explain your feelings to because they already know. Or someone that communication is easy and natural with, not something you have to make a special effort to manage.

It must be very sad and difficult for you now, but one day you'll be glad you didn't settle for less.

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I agree that perhaps we didn't understand each other. I desperately wish we had, but I am unsure if he fully understood himself.

I'm just confused as to how things could fall apart when there was so much good. Which is why I'm curious about how much compromise others would expect - I'm seeing a therapist now and also over analysing relationships in general as I'm left feeling confused!

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Haggisfish3 · 28/12/2021 21:21

Me and dh differ hugely in communication in some ways. We went to counselling and it helped me realise that and helped me realise how to communicate better with dh. Dh is also on the autistic spectrum which became obvious through counselling and our son being diagnosed. Dh has always been very clear he wants to stay together and is willing to do anything to achieve that, hence the counselling.

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 28/12/2021 21:33

@Haggisfish3

Me and dh differ hugely in communication in some ways. We went to counselling and it helped me realise that and helped me realise how to communicate better with dh. Dh is also on the autistic spectrum which became obvious through counselling and our son being diagnosed. Dh has always been very clear he wants to stay together and is willing to do anything to achieve that, hence the counselling.

I'm glad counselling helped you and your family :) communication is such a key aspect of a relationship. I've learnt that all the other components can be there, but in my case the bad/lack of communication bled into every aspect of the relationship :(

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Bananarice · 28/12/2021 21:45

Nobody knows what is in your heart/ head, so communication is vital. I'm a big beliver in coincidence and learning someone habits/ love languages. Then taking action to try and make the other person feel loved.

If he, don't want to work on the relationship. I would let him leave. It is already very hard to maintain relationships with two willing partners.

However, my df once said to me every relationship he had seen, it has always had one person compromising and forgiving a lot. As soon as that person let's go, the relationship is doomed. (I don't know who that person is in your relationship.

Sometimes when I think of compromise I think of the straw that broke the camels back, idiom. Life is not black and white. There is times, I wouldn't forgive a slight mishap and times when overlooking is extremely tempting.

You could have communicated very clearly and he could have disagreed with you. How receptive are you to no?

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 22:31

But, he didn't want to so that's that
Forgive me if I'm barking up the wrong tree completely, but I wonder if you might be viewing the end of this relationship as being a sign you needed to do something different or change your expectations, or that you're hoping to be told the relationship would be great if he did A, B, C, when it seems to boil down to the fact that relationships require 2 people putting in the work and in your relationship one person wasn't willing to.

You deserve a relationship with someone on your wavelength and who wants to invest as much as you do into making a relationship work.

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 29/12/2021 08:33

@Bananarice thanks for your reply - it was really interesting to read all your points. Really interesting to think on how receptive I am to 'no', definitely going to do some pondering on this.

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Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 29/12/2021 08:39

@LolaSmiles

But, he didn't want to so that's that Forgive me if I'm barking up the wrong tree completely, but I wonder if you might be viewing the end of this relationship as being a sign you needed to do something different or change your expectations, or that you're hoping to be told the relationship would be great if he did A, B, C, when it seems to boil down to the fact that relationships require 2 people putting in the work and in your relationship one person wasn't willing to.

You deserve a relationship with someone on your wavelength and who wants to invest as much as you do into making a relationship work.

Thanks for your reply! Yep you're right there, I'm viewing it as I could've done something else to make it work. Initially I'd fully agree that I would like to be told that the relationship would be great if he did A, B or C, but I know this isn't a healthy approach and not helpful to me moving on from this.

I guess I'm hung up on the fact that he stopped trying but didn't talk to me about it - which makes me feel robbed of the chance to try to talk about it. And I'm also hung up on why he didn't want to invest as much. When really, I need to get to the acceptance stage and just crack on with healing.

Thank you for saying I deserve someone on my wavelength and wants to invest as much as me :) made me feel a bit teary this morning but also comforted!

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Gloriagayn · 29/12/2021 09:09

Compromise is always needed in a relationship but if the compromise is one that is too big then it needs discussion and agreement. If he withdrew sexually for example then that may be a compromise too far. He hasn’t shown any fight to save things as far as I can see from your post, so perhaps it was more than this for him. What was the straw that broke the Camels back?

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 29/12/2021 09:35

@Gloriagayn

Compromise is always needed in a relationship but if the compromise is one that is too big then it needs discussion and agreement. If he withdrew sexually for example then that may be a compromise too far. He hasn’t shown any fight to save things as far as I can see from your post, so perhaps it was more than this for him. What was the straw that broke the Camels back?

I don't know what the final straw was as he didn't really tell me. I did sit down with him a few weeks prior and asked if we could spend more time together as whilst talk of marriage and children were rushing at a million miles per hour, I'd have liked us to enjoy more time together.

I think he did feel he fought for the relationship but he didn't tell me. He said he hoped things would "get better" and I asked what was wrong, and he didn't really say what. Then I asked how things could get better if I wasn't told what was wrong, and wasn't to know how I could help.

Ultimately he wanted out of the relationship but I don't fully know why. I know I need to accept it in my mind but until the house is sold I feel a bit in limbo.

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BuddhaAtSea · 29/12/2021 09:49

Lovely, seriously, Cherchez la famme.

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 29/12/2021 10:06

@BuddhaAtSea

Lovely, seriously, Cherchez la famme.

Yes it is a possibility for sure!!

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SapatSea · 29/12/2021 10:43

Perhaps he wasn't ready to settle down, in his mind he felt you were driving things (even if he was the one suggesting them) and he didn't want "to be harnassed." I'm in my late 50's and have heard this a lot from men in my work. There may be someone "he has his eye on." I knew a man who walked out of a 10 year relationship (2 years married) because he fancied the new receptionist at work and she had (as it turned out reluctantly) accepted a date with thim.

You can drive yourself crazy wondering why things ended - you may never know. Your P maybe doesn't understand it himself. You can't change the past, let it go. It most likely was about HIM rather than anything you did or didn't do. You should be loved and cherished for yourself.

Original poster

Penguinwaddler · 29/12/2021 12:05

@SapatSea

Perhaps he wasn't ready to settle down, in his mind he felt you were driving things (even if he was the one suggesting them) and he didn't want "to be harnassed." I'm in my late 50's and have heard this a lot from men in my work. There may be someone "he has his eye on." I knew a man who walked out of a 10 year relationship (2 years married) because he fancied the new receptionist at work and she had (as it turned out reluctantly) accepted a date with thim.

You can drive yourself crazy wondering why things ended - you may never know. Your P maybe doesn't understand it himself. You can't change the past, let it go. It most likely was about HIM rather than anything you did or didn't do. You should be loved and cherished for yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes I agree that I will never understand and perhaps he doesn't fully either. It's just hard to accept and let go when it's been such a big part of my life. It's helpful to hear different view points and understand what compromise means to others but ultimately my energy would be better spent moving forward (I just wish I knew how to do this!)

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billy1966 · 29/12/2021 12:38

OP,

It is very brave to admit a relationship isn't working and call a halt.

So many ignore the feelings and bitterly regret it.

You deserve more than what you had with him.

You will see this in time.

Of course you are sad and full of what if's, but the bottom line is it just wasn't working.

Well done for investing in yourself via a therapist.

GregTheEgg · 29/12/2021 13:05

The more you say, the more I’m thinking he’s found someone else too. The wedding etc was scaring him and he’s had his head turned but doesn’t want to admit it so just shut down.

My money is on him having a new GF who is the “absolute love of his life” within weeks.

My XDP and I had many fallings out over the years we were together. The only time I really felt like I’d lost him, that even the arguments were somewhat distant, it turned out that there was an OW sniffing around. I didn’t find out about her until many years later when he mentioned her getting “too close” at that point and him having to cut her off. Still don’t know if I believe him, but now it’s over I don’t care either way. Just saying I felt the distance creep in without knowing why.

Alcemeg · 29/12/2021 15:56

It's fair enough to think there might be another woman involved, but don't bank on it. Relationships just don't always work out, for reasons no one can really put their finger on. It's quite possible that my DH#1 is still not really sure why I ended things with him after nearly two decades together, although I could point to all sorts of reasons. Even now, another two decades on, I can revisit the whole thing and draw different conclusions, including that it was what is now known as an abusive relationship (but that too can be unpicked endlessly). The point is that if you were really compatible you would have found it easier to communicate. You would have had less need to "communicate" in the sense of conveying your reality to each other, because you would have seen things the same way. Being unable to unpick what went wrong is just another symptom of not being on the same page.

Breaking up is the hardest thing in the world to come to terms with, OP. But one day I think you will be glad it happened. x