Nearly 9 weeks down after leaving my narc husband...

[kelseypops]

I've done a few previous threads but wanted to start a new one.

I'm not sure why....I'm doing ok ish.

My issue is we are 9 weeks down and he is still controlling me. In many ways, I am free and I feel so much better. I know I can never ever return to him.

For background, I left because he is only interested in himself. Lacks empathy massively, gambling addict, felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time, crap at parenting, didn't show my eldest dcs (From my previous relationship) any love what so ever, showed me no love what so ever, hypochondriac, used me for childcare for his other DS (from previous relationship), didn't help round the house at all....the list goes on...

I wanted to remain civil which I realise is impossible with a narcissist. We have a DS together who is only 3 and is so very confused - we have been living at my mums for the past 9 weeks. He is ok but very emotional and misses his daddy very much, always wants daddy to stay etc etc. ExH will see DS but only for a couple of hours at the most by himself. He wants me there too.

He has told everyone, and I mean literally everyone about what's happening with us, all our personal business. He's told everyone I was feeling suicidal when I left him. I'm a fairly private person and would rather people didn't know such personal things about me but he has zero respect for me whatsoever.

However what he is doing is telling everyone how it's his fault our marriage is over. He isn't blaming me (which he shouldn't as it is all his fault) but I'm guessing it's for people to feel sorry for him? He gets emotional and cries in front of them - this can be anyone from the neighbours, his work mates, customers, friends who he hasn't seen in years. Also his Ex who I have massive issues with as she used me during our marriage to look after my step son - their son together, whenever she liked (the pair of them walked all over me) They all know our business and my personal issues.

He is still clinging on to the fact that one day I will love him/miss him/ want him again even though I have repeatedly said it won't happen. However he has been in touch with an ex girlfriend and re kindled a 'friendship' with someone he used to be close too. Although he never mentioned her once in the 6 years we were together. This is all fine. He is free to do as he pleases....

Except he is also convinced I have someone else - I don't. He has repeatedly accused me of messaging other men - I wasn't/haven't. He has contacted my friends to see how I contact them as he spies on me on what's app/messenger. He's now blocked on both. I ignored my friends for weeks as I knew he was spying on me. He turned up at my mums a couple of times unannounced as he was having panic attacks but really it was to check if this mysterious man was here.

He's left me an absolute nervous wreck. I said in my previous thread how I had to FaceTime him to prove I had no one round at my mums house. Walked into every room to show him there was no one there. All along he had been messaging 2 other women.

I don't know what the point of my thread is. I just think I can't quite believe what he has done to me.

He'll lose interest eventually.
If he wants visitation, he has to do it at where he lives, not at yours.
If he doesn't like that, he can take you to court. He won't.

@RantyAunty

He'll lose interest eventually. If he wants visitation, he has to do it at where he lives, not at yours. If he doesn't like that, he can take you to court. He won't.

He can't even do a food shop, i have absolutely no worries that he will ever take me to court. He isn't that interested in any of his dcs.

I though he had a real love for his DS from previous but since I've left I've realised it was all for show. Having this little family and everyone thinking we have it all. He wanted dss with us all the time whenever possible but it was me who was looking after him.

Well you were with him for at least 3 years yes? And it's only been 9 weeks since you've left, you sound like you are doing brilliantly. You sound very objective about him, unlikely to return to him. You sound like you know your own mind and are well versed at guessing his.

I think other posters will be along to tell you about the mixed feelings they had on leaving someone they hated but confusingly also desparately missed once apart. It's a period of adjustment and you will find the best way to impose boundaries. Soon you will laugh at him and you will be happy at how you are free and can start moving forwards. Congrats.

Block block block ignore ignore ignore.

If he wants to see DS he takes him out on his own.

Lots of love and comfort for your DS.

It will get easier and the more you cut of his access to you and your life the easier it will be and the quicker he will get bored.

Tighten all your privacy settings on everything block anyone that may feed back information to him.

Set up a new email address that is the only way he contact you and if need be get someone to screen them. Check once per week.

I think I'm just struggling to work out why I'm having a hard time with it. I wanted to leave for months. I dreamed of it. Now I've done it and I know it had to be done, I don't want him back but I'm still struggling on losing him. Even though I can't stand him.

It could be because I know he will find someone else straight away - I believe he has the next one/ones lined up but is keeping them at bay as he is convinced I will be taking him back. I don't mind him being with anyone else (good luck to them, they will need it) but it's most likely because of what it will do to DS.

I have no idea why im struggling with it.

Im also just such a softie in general. I hate upsetting anyone, saying no to anyone, will go out of my way to help anyone. Im a narcissist's dream partner.

Even though he has treated me absolutely disgustingly,
I still find it hard to say no to him.

@RandomMess

Block block block ignore ignore ignore.

If he wants to see DS he takes him out on his own.

Lots of love and comfort for your DS.

It will get easier and the more you cut of his access to you and your life the easier it will be and the quicker he will get bored.

Tighten all your privacy settings on everything block anyone that may feed back information to him.

Set up a new email address that is the only way he contact you and if need be get someone to screen them. Check once per week.

DS is my priority. I'm being very gentle with him and trying to distract him when he cries for his dad. It's so hard. Especially as I know exH is only interested in DS if I will be there too.

He is blocked on everything except my actual phone but I have his texts set to no notifications so I don't see them and don't read them until I'm ready too. I'm worried if I blocked him, it would send him mad and he would be turning up at my mums as he has done before. He's also threatened suicide which worries me however I know to call the police if he ever tries it again.

I hate the control he has over me

Have you started the freedom programme already?

You need to understand that you having boundaries is healthy and needed and others being upset is their issue to deal with.

Why are you such a people pleaser, where does that come from?

Speak to national domestic helpline and about what evidence you need for a non-molestation order. I think you need everything you can to protect you and DS from him.

@RandomMess

Have you started the freedom programme already?

You need to understand that you having boundaries is healthy and needed and others being upset is their issue to deal with.

Why are you such a people pleaser, where does that come from?

Speak to national domestic helpline and about what evidence you need for a non-molestation order. I think you need everything you can to protect you and DS from him.

Yes I've started it just before Xmas.

People pleasing comes from my childhood - I'm having weekly therapy which has stopped now due to Xmas but it's something we are going to look into in the new year. It needs addressing.

I think part of it is i can't seem to get my head around that exH is controlling, emotionally abusive. It was all was all so subtly done - I genuinely don't know if he realised he was doing it. So half the time I think to myself 'it wasn't that bad' but deep down I do know it was.

I'm in contact with my local womens aid type charity, spoke to them a couple of times before Xmas and they are calling me on New Year's Eve. This appointment is my first with my support worker who has been assigned to me so I will be talking to her about it all.

I'm trying to take all the necessary steps to get away from him. I suppose I just can't help feeling sorry for him.

His dad was abusive and then committed suicide. All his family are the same - selfish, interested in themselves and that's it. Not there for each other. He has no one.

I know that's not my issue, he's a grown adult and he needs to take responsibility for himself which he just cannot do.

It's not my job to help him anymore and I know this

Stop feeling sorry for him, it's wasted energy.

Feel sorry for you and DS and what he has done to you rather than address his own issues and accepting responsibility for his behaviour and decisions.

@RandomMess

Stop feeling sorry for him, it's wasted energy.

Feel sorry for you and DS and what he has done to you rather than address his own issues and accepting responsibility for his behaviour and decisions.

I know. Thank you.

I took DS out for cake this afternoon and went to a home department store to the cafe there. I honestly can't wait until I'm in my own home and buying all the things I need like a kettle/toaster etc.

All a fresh start, new for me and the dcs. I really can't wait for that. I need to use my energy on getting to this point.