Looking for some direction and support for a family member. It’s a long story, but will try to be as brief as I can. Dh and I have a family member (his side) who has grown up in a family where her dad is very abusive and her mum is very codependent (also been horribly abused, but for decades so she is completely oblivious to this not just being normal). The family member has lived a very sheltered and controlled life. She 30 now. Still lives at home. Has attempted to go to uni several times, which her family sort of initially supports, but then sabotages and basically just doesn’t let her easily leave the house (they live very rurally, no easy public transport, never supported her to have driving lessons or even help get her to work so she could make money to pay for lessons and a car on her own). Dh’s family (MIL’s generation, at least) is famous for sticking heads in the sand as abuse of women and children in the family happens all around them. 🙄 The younger generation (now largely 30s and 40s) all managed to escape home and move mostly far away with lovely partners and distance themselves from everything.
Anyway, this family member has long been pegged as being mentally ill or having special needs that justified keeping her quite tightly controlled. The family has largely bought into this narrative as she isn’t usually allowed to come to family gatherings. Her older sister bolted the second she was 18 and has never been back. So she’s been very isolated from the family for many years. She has recently made attempts to reach out to a few of her aunts (including MIL). No one really believes her, bless her. But they have forwarded her messages on to me and it’s really clear that she is in a horrible situation. She said her dad prevents her and her mum from going to the shop if they need things. Has banned them from bathing to punish them. She recently met up with some cousins for before Christmas who were nearby visiting other family and as a result, her parents ‘cancelled’ Christmas. She spent it in her bedroom alone as nowhere else to go. She messaged family the other day asking if anyone could connect her with a charity where she could volunteer for Christmas and also have a Christmas meal herself just so she didn’t have to hide in her room. Again, she’s 30 years old, about to graduate from uni, really articulate and lovely.
Dh and I knew her family was messed up (it’s an open secret that her dad is abusive and has been having affairs for decades, has at least one child out there with an OW). But we had no idea it was this bad. 😔 The family largely still think she is a troublemaker (as do my family about me too!), but we believe what she’s saying and we want to help her.
What resources might be out there for an adult who needs support escaping from an abusive family? Would woman’s aid help? She does have some mental health issues, mostly anxiety (as you would in that situation!), but she has capacity and is generally well, I don’t think adult social services would get involved. I’ve reached out to her and we’re going to meet up soon for a chat (I haven’t seen her in 10 years probably). I could probably take her to CAB, but is there anywhere else that might help her. She said she isn’t sure she’s ready to leave home yet, but she wants to start making steps in that direction. It’s such an awful situation, and we feel bad that we didn’t really know how bad it’s gotten for her. 😔