I think my marriage is over, I’m confused…

[ReeceWitherfork]

I’ve no one to confide in and need advice…. Been married over 20 years, one teenager. Marriage has been sexless for 4-5 years, I’ve initiated it a few times, H has had ED problems for many years, it’s actually a miracle I ever got pregnant! We have been in separate rooms for years (initially because of his snoring) and basically we live like roommates, friends who get along well, chat, have a laugh. To the outside world all looks great, but I’m lonely, have been on anti depressants and been getting counselling for the last 6 months, on my own. H has refused marriage counselling, won’t go to Doc re ED problems even though I’ve asked and been patient over the years, nor do anything about snoring issue. He spends most of his spare time on his IPad or watching TV, barely notices me and is no help around the house. We spoke a few months back about things and he said he would try to be more attentive but this didn’t last. Nothing ever does or changes, I think I realise this now. I suspected him of cheating years ago when he was working away, he has always denied it. He has hidden money from me, he doesn’t know that I know this yet as I’m saving this information for a possible divorce situation. He is a nice man, good Dad and has provided for me over the years that I’ve only had to work part time, though I have to ask for money. He has never been abusive in any way, which makes me think am I being selfish to think about leaving this marriage and breaking up family? But I can’t live like this any more. Friends are friends of us both (couples), it’s difficult to confide in anyone, hence the counselling.
Am I right to think this is over, I can’t see a way back as I don’t want to be intimate with him and it doesn’t seem like he wants to be either?

It's over if one of you says it is. Sounds like you are saying it. You have good reason, but even if you hadn't, not wanting to continue in the relationship is enough.

Thanks, it’s just so sad/hard/scary to think of leaving, having to start to rebuild life on your own. And weirdly I know I would miss him as we get on well as friends.

How does the financial side work for you if you separate now?
Is there enough assets for you to house yourself and your child and continue working part time? If not - what are your employment prospects?
As to his hiding money - if he is smart about it - he may be able to get away with it. If the money is in a trust and it’s been more than 5years since he opened it - then knowing about it changes nothing. The money would not be considered as marital assets.

Good luck. I hope you figure it out

Financially I’d be ok I think, enough assets to buy smaller property. I think I will have to work full time again though, gave up my career over 10 years ago and might take a bit of time to get back into, but I can update my computer skills with online courses etc, and am looking forward to that in a way.
As for the hidden money, I was unaware of what you’ve pointed out (why the 5 year rule?)…. and it’s possible I’ll never get to the bottom of it, as he is pretty smart. I know he has removed large sums from a business account but I don’t know where the money has gone. I think I will need a good divorce lawyer.

You will also need a good actuary to investigate all the accounts esp if there is a business .

I was in a very similar situation no left eventually. And discovered we were in fact excellent friends! I love how he's in my life now. We meet a couple of times a week for walks or a meal or just a chat. He does odd jobs for me and I buy him socks. We are both happier now after about a year to real sorrow and grief for the end of our family life (we have two DCs).

@awesomekilick

I was in a very similar situation no left eventually. And discovered we were in fact excellent friends! I love how he's in my life now. We meet a couple of times a week for walks or a meal or just a chat. He does odd jobs for me and I buy him socks. We are both happier now after about a year to real sorrow and grief for the end of our family life (we have two DCs).

Thanks, I’m glad things worked out for you. I’m hopeful that because we are already good friends, we can continue to be. Maybe not straight away, but in time.

In my observation people don’t often stay friends. And certainly, if any money disagreement is involve - that significantly reduces chances of being amicable.

A friend going through divorce in England was told that money removed from marital assets within 5 years of relationship breakdown can be considered as preparing for divorce, and can be potentially ‘returned to the pot’.
However - I don’t know how it applies to business accounts. You’ll need to speak to a lawyer.
And if he is smart - he has planned your marital assets / business accounts such to optimise his position.
I am sorry. This often makes it hard for women.

If you definitely going ahead - I’d start by looking for a good solicitor.