When you want to leave, but feel like you can't?

[Trappedmama]

I met my partner when I was in my early twenties, and we had a good relationship but within 3 years we were living together, engaged and pregnant.

I'm now 30 and we have two kids, we never got married because I've not felt ready to be honest. I think he is very much the same person he was when we met, but I'm not. I know I can't marry him when I have so many doubts about the relationship and probably shouldn't of had my second child, I already had concerns at that point. I have grown so much as a person in the last 9 years, I am in good place after long standing mental health issues, I've found a job I like, I'm a good mother, I have good friends, I know who I am now, and I didn't when we met. I almost feel I've outgrown him.

I mean this as no insult to my partner, he has been a good supportive partner, a hands on loving father and is such a good person. My heart aches at how much this will hurt him but I don't love him. At 21 and 37 it seemed ok, but already at 30 and 46 the ick has already set in. I don't want to sleep with him, I don't fancy him anymore, and I think overall I've realised that this just isn't a relationship I want.

How do I leave, though? We live in his house, he earns 5 times what I do, even the area where we live is based off his job and family and it's not a place I'd be interested in staying. I know he'd want 50/50, I'd want that for him too as much as it would hurt me. I just don't know how I can afford to cope as a single mum to 2 very young dc.

What do I do?

@Trappedmama. Have you taken advice from a Solicitor about the financial side if you do split from your partner. Not sure where you live, but I live in England, and in your situation in England, your partner would still have to financially support you and your children. Perhaps the first step is to get some legal advice.

@Teejaybee, they are not married so only CMS would be payable.

Op, that's quite an age gap and understandable that you have changed from a 21 year old. How did you meet?

You would cope being a single mum, loads of people do. Perhaps start looking at housing solutions, with your income and CMS (as long as its not 50/50, it should be payable)

It always feels impossible to leave but there is always a way out. You have age on your side so many years to rebuild your life.

[quote Fireflygal]@Teejaybee, they are not married so only CMS would be payable.

Op, that's quite an age gap and understandable that you have changed from a 21 year old. How did you meet?

You would cope being a single mum, loads of people do. Perhaps start looking at housing solutions, with your income and CMS (as long as its not 50/50, it should be payable)

It always feels impossible to leave but there is always a way out. You have age on your side so many years to rebuild your life.[/quote]
We met through work, he wasn't my boss or anything shady, at the time it didn't really seem like an age gap. My parents are 25 years older than him so there was no "he's old enough to be my dad" thoughts to open my eyes and I think I was very naive to it.

I am not against large age gaps if people are happy and in love, but I'm not, and I know I would only choose a partner much closer in age if I was to ever start a new relationship.

He would want 50/50 I would imagine, I can't see him settling for anything less. It feels like I will forever be tied to this area, to him so what's the point leaving? I really don't think I can carry on though.

21 is very young to have that age gap as you were not yet a fully grown adult. I think it takes until 27 or 28 to develop into the person you will be and science now backs this up.

It feels impossible but get a spreadsheet and work out a budget for living. Why are you sure he would insist on 50/50? Would his work allow for it? It could be slightly less and half school holidays. How far away would you want to move? You just might need to get legal advice and see what could be possible.

To give the other side...could you just be in a rut? Do you have any fun together? Share hobbies? 10 years seems common for fatigue in a relationship to set in.

I just feel the first step in the right direction would to seek financial legal advice as to where you would stand with your partner financially, if you do part. Although no children were involved, I was in a similar situation, married to an older man, and as time went on, things that was/became of interest to me, either he wasn't interested in or had already done, so I found myself building up a life that didn't include him which did cause a lot of issues in our marriage. I was worried about leaving my home, wondering if financially I would cope etc., so I continued to stay because it was easier to do so than to leave and not know what the future held for me, but in staying I just became so unhappy and dreaded going home. Finally I reached rock bottom and realised that even if my life was going to be harder financially, I would rather that and take my chances instead of continuing as I was. Before I left I sought legal advice, I looked at what I was earning, and armed with that information I left. I couldn't afford a home as I had been use to with my husband, but I didn't care, I had my life back, I was out of a desperately unhappy situation, and the home was a happy home, I no longer dreaded my day to day life. I understand no children were involved and one could argue it was easier for me to leave than yourself. It wasn't easy to leave, far from it, but once I did, no matter what other obstacles I faced in doing so, I was so happy again and felt like the biggest black cloud had gone. Life looked very different and I was so happy again even though I didn't have the house or the car or the lifestyle I had with my husband, all of which made me unhappy anyway.

It’s a very common situation OP, it’s no one’s fault, and you can’t live the rest of your life tied to him.

I am sorry to say it, but this is a perfect illustration of why people should get married when they have kids, as it would give you a better claim for a share of the house and pension, so you could parent equally going forward.

HOWEVER you are where you are. So the first job is pull the financials (what you both earn, what the house is worth, what the mortgage is) and go see a solicitor. Talk to them not just about legal provisions but also what you might be able to negotiate with your partner - eg would he put into a house jointly with you, so you have somewhere that’s big enough for the kids, that can be sold and split when they are grown up. You will need to live close to him if you want to do 50/50, so areas will be more limited.

Once you have that info work out what you need for a house, bills etc, and also what you need to build up in savings and a pension so you aren’t in penury (or a liability to your kids) in old age. There might be things you can do to help like building up your career.

Then discuss it with him. Obviously don’t leap in with all the practicals - he will need time to absorb the fact you love him but you aren’t in love. But you want to have all the info so you can progress at pace, and, in the event he turns nasty, you have all info at your fingertips.