My relationship is fucked

[Teebag123]

I have been with my partner 2 years and we have 7 month old twins together, I have a 9 year old boy from another realtionship, his dad passed away when he was 3. My partner when I first met him was amazing in every aspect of the word he was sweet,kind,caring, generous, calm and gentle. He was amazing with my son they would play all the time laugh all the time and even when I was in hospital for a week he stayed by my son the whole time, all of this only lasted for around 4 months of the relationship because after that first 4 months I have no idea what happened my partner just got the temper from out of no where, he still has it now but it gets worse and worse the relationship went to shit long before I even found out I was pregnant but my partner just gets angry at the smallest of things he screams and shouts all the time, it's his way or no way, he speaks to me like I'm his child for example you can tidy that kitchen before you do anything you can buy new cutlery as you've lost a fork make sure you hoover today just little things like that but all I ever do is look after kids and do house work day in day out he still has his life he goes to work wich he loves he goes to the gym 4 days a week he sees his friends and goes out when ever he wants, when he's out I don't exist in his life he ignores my texts and calls all the time does not give me a time he will be home he is not affectionate towards me at all any more won't even give me a kiss when one of us is leaving the house there is no sex no cuddles no holding hands while out literally nothing and now he's telling me that my son is to be put in boarding school by march or he's taking our daughters to live with him and my son and I have to find somewhere else and that's the end of it.there is so much more I could day and so much more in detail but I sit here wondering if there is any point. I know my relationship is fucked but I don't want to do co parenting and miss out on my girls.

Oh my god, this sounds awful, he sounds very abusive, you need to start making a plan to leave.
Have you thought about contacting women's aid? They'll be brilliant in supporting you to leave.
Please do not put your son in to boarding school, that is not your partners choice to make.

Also, all abusers are nice at first, that's how they reel you in.

Please keep posting, you'll get some great advice on here.

Also, please leave the relationship for the sake of your son, I gather, he's probably not very nice to him, please do the right thing and don't let this man bully you or your son anymore

Hi, OP. We're moving this thread to our Relationships board now. Hope you get some support there.

Do you have any family you could confide in?

What sort of situation OP? Who's house is it ? Do you work etc?

For your kids sake (if nothing else) you need to leave. Do not believe his threats, he's not going to give up his bachelor life style to start actually looking after his own children.

Do you have family that you can reach out to for support? Boarding school is a huge decision and not his to make actually. Also how would he look after your twins without you? He is making nonsense threats but even so you sound deeply unhappy. Do need to speak with someone about your situation, a friend or family and I would also consider women's aid as PP mentioned.

As someone who has been through domestic abuse, unfortunately I’d say this is exactly what’s going on here. I totally understand you don’t want to share custody of your young twins but I think for all of your children’s sake and your own you need to get out of this relationship. He love-bombed you to begin with then showed his true self it seems.

Unfortunately I actually wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss his talk of taking the twins with him as empty threats or think he won’t be able to look after them without you (I don’t understand mumsnet sometimes, on the one hand people here say there is no reason the dad shouldn’t be doing 50 percent of housework and childcare, but suddenly when it comes to a relationship splitting up, the man wouldn’t be able to look after a baby or two without a woman involved??). In fact abusive men are hugely more likely to use children as pawns and put them in the middle of everything and damn the consequences for their emotional well-being, they are also much more likely to end up with a protracted child custody case at the family courts, so I’d say don’t go into this naively thinking that he won’t want some custody, having said that, no judge is going to allow him to take them away from you completely without your consent unless there are concerns that you are actively or passively abuse to them. And it is possible (although sadly I’ll say it’s likely to be an uphill battle) that a judge might recognise that he is emotionally abusive to them and that it’s not in their best interest as to maintain contact with him. However you need to avoid a situation where he simply takes them without your consent and you cannot track him or then down to get them back, or they are in a non Hague convention country where they can’t be returned by the British legal system.

Be aware that leaving is the time you’re lost at risk so start quietly getting your ducks in a row without saying a word to him, seek support and advice from Women’s Aid or whatever local domestic abuse support services you have. Good luck.

Most at risk not lost

And I don’t mean to scare you but I would not regard what he has said in the context of an abusive relationship as nonsense threats.

Your poor son. You need to leave! For all your childrens benefit.

Why didn’t you leave after he changed his behaviour 4 months in?

Oh my gosh. He's being controlling and abusive. You need to leave him. He will get worse. I'm so sorry.

He love bombed you in the beginning. It wasn't the real him. Abusers dont attract victims by being the real them. In the beginning they are often....magnetic. But I'm sorry, that wasn't real.

As for your girls, do you want them to grow up thinking its OK for men ro abuse their partners? And that women should stay in these situations?

You have a responsibility to show them that they have value. That they are worthy of love and kindness and respect and that they have to have things for themselves too. Show yourself kindness and leave this bully. Lead by example.

I'd recommend you speak to Women's Aid and consider taking all three of your children with you to a refuge. He is abusive and will only get worse. Women's Aid will offer help and support. Go without telling him and do not leave an address. It does not sound like you are married and there will assets to divide.

I would seriously give up all CM to make sure I had no contact with this angry man again and that he had no access to any of my children.

Also, he totally gives me david coperfields step dad vibes.

Not just an abuser but a total tyrant.

I agree with pp, take the kids and go to a refuge if needs be. Whatever it takes to get away from the monster.

Hi lovely. He is abusive. What you saw at the beginning wasn't the real him. Speak to women's aid xx

Tell us about your living arrangements - are you on the paperwork for the house?

Yeah we are both on the tenancy, my son has a lot of problems and with having baby twins I don't want to just be plopped in a room somewhere I need somewhere stable for us all

But your current situation isn’t stable for your child.
It would be tough no doubt but you’ve got to think of the long term impact of this abusive relationship is going to have on your children.

OP, the damage he's inflicting on you all is worse than being 'plopped in a room somewhere'' !

I'd wager that 100% of your DS's 'problems' are either caused by or at the very least exacerbated hugely by your partner.

The only thing you have to lose by leaving is 'extra living space', but what you and your DC have to lose by staying is SO much worse .

Be strong for both yourself and your children. Life will only improve when you've decided to put yourself and your kids first.

I'd rather be "plopped" in a room as a temporary solution with my children in your circumstances than spend anymore time with a abusive man who wants to shove your son into boarding school!