Don’t know where to start

[HornungTheHelpful]

We have three children under 5. Due to work we spend more time apart than together. Both work full time. I live with children and nanny. We were supposed to be where he works for Xmas but at his offer stayed at “my” home. Few weeks back I - and I honestly can’t remember why - asked him if he wanted to leave me and how we could facilitate it with the children. He now thinks I want a divorce and have met someone I would like something to happen with. I haven’t. He’s livid with me, walking round like a bear with a sore head, saying I’ve gone into panic mode trying to fix things then I’ll just stop trying. This isn’t how I feel. I get very unhappy because he’s not terribly communicative when he’s away and it’s very much on his terms. Unless I speak when convenient for him, we don’t. My career is taking off at the moment after 3 children. But the youngest is only a few months old. I’m exhausted and terrified. I adore him but he won’t let me fix it. We’re speaking to a counsellor together tonight but I don’t know what to do to convince him I do love him I’m just overwhelmed at the moment. Please help

"asked him if he wanted to leave me and how we could facilitate it with the children"

Genuinely if my DH asked me this, I'd assume he'd met someone and wanted to leave. I don't understand why this would ever ever cross your mind, or why you'd even ask this question.

Do you adore him and love him, or are you unhappy and overwhelmed?

Your OP is very confused, and tbh I don't think you even seem to know what's going on / what you need.

Continue with the counselling if you think that's helping - perhaps try and arrange some sessions for just you to try and work through what you're feeling?

This is our first session. I both adore him and am tired and overwhelmed. Why can I not be both? I asked him because he left me 8 years ago and I have never felt terribly secure since then

I want him to be happy and sometimes it feels like he’d be happier without me.

Why is it up to you to 'convince him you love him' why would that make you feel ant mire secure? Surely it's up to him to do the convincing!

I think women make the mistake of trying to change themselves (or prove themselves 'worthy' of love) in order to change men. Which doesn't work and is really, so silly when you think about it.

If he isn't giving you what you need, tell him what you need. If he does not step up to the plate, then kick him loose.

Your needs matter, your feelings matter. You matter. Stop chasing him and let him either step up...or sod off.

*any more secure

Ps: you're the partner and mother of 3 of his kids op. If that isn't enough for him to choose you and to do all he can to make you feel loved, happy, respected and secure then that's a him problem, not a you problem.

asked him if he wanted to leave me and how we could facilitate it with the children. He now thinks I want a divorce and have met someone I would like something to happen with

If I was still married and my wife said something along these lines, I absolutely think the same as him TBH.

As for
Stop chasing him and let him either step up...or sod off.
His is probably thinking you are about to sod off with another bloke and his 3 kids.

So the background to my asking him is that he left for about 7 weeks about 8 years ago. There was someone else. In an argument he has said I would be difficult with children if we split up and I don’t want him stuck with me because he thinks I’d stop him seeing the children.

It’s useful to understand that me having an affair is the conclusion many would come to. I’m not having an affair, emotional or physical, there’s no one I would like to be with “if things were different”. There is just him.

The living arrangement is strange. In normal times we spend about 3 months a year there - in holidays now eldest is at school and he works from home here some 4-5 months over the year. Covid has made this extra difficult. There is a valid reason for it - like being on an army base - but can’t say what. Sorry. I have offered to move there and work remotely. Neither of us really want to raise the children there. He can’t do his job here.