Intolerant of DH

[missminimum]

Would be grateful of your thought regarding my feelings for DH. Married a long time, children are young adults. DH is highly anxious and has been for many years, he has had anger issues and would shout for hours when children were younger, not at them, but me, due to issues not to do with me, a company giving bad service, something breaking. He has not done that for 10 years plus now but still gets angry. He finds it difficult to relax, so is either talking about something he is worried about for ages, not stiing down for 5 minutes or he is on the sofa, not budging, yawning his head off or fast asleep. There is little in between. I have felt for years that we all have to alter out behaviour to reduce his stress and found it draining. Previously when I tried to raise it, it would make him cross and upset, so I gave up trying to tackle it. A couple of months ago, when I was really struggling with his stress and anxiety levels, he did listen and to be fair to him has been addressing it. He has commenced on medication and is having CBT. His anger levels are greatly improved and he is less anxious. However it all feels a bit late and that the damage to our relationship is done, as I still find it difficult to be tolerant of him. He is still quite on edge a lot of the time and needing my reassurance. He talks in a child like voice to me, which really winds me up. He is nervous socially, so when we see friends, I am feeling irritated with him, rather than enjoying myself. When he talks to friends he has a nervous laugh to almost everything he says and when he cracks a joke laughs more than anyone else.
I feel bad about myself feeling this way, but not sure how to change things. He was not like this before we married, which has left me feeling he tried to hide his real personality from me. I appreciate it is a mental illness and self esteem issue, but me saying things to him makes him more anxious and in need of reassurance. I just struggle thinking I am facing the rest of my life feeling like this, but the repercussions of ending the marriage are not attractive either
Not sure why I am posting but just feel the need to off load!

Anyone have any thoughts? He woke me up at 6.30 this morning, when neither of us needed to be up, wanting a hug. He was offended I was upset he woke me and is now seeking reassurance I still like him. This is typical of the cycle we seem to be stuck in. I know I am not being as warm torward him as I should be but his needy behaviour is really irritating me and I feel cold toward him, which compounds the problem. Has anyone been through something similar and been able to resolve things?

Do you want to resolve things, or do you feel you ought to?

He’s a man child. I’m not surprised you find it unattractive. Would you go to couples counselling?

I think it's tragic that you've invested so many years on this abusive, selfish man. Don't give him another month.

He is clearly struggling mentally, and this neediness is something that he needs to address in his therapy. If he’s willing to see how draining he is becoming and try to resolve it, then it’s got to be worth giving your marriage that chance. Hopefully, if he can get the right help, it won’t have to feel so suffocating forever.

Why stay? No amount of money is worth this shit. He won’t change.

I don't know how you can stand him and I think it's your mental health that will suffer if you don't get away. It's so far away from being a normal relationship. You are not able to be yourself around him.

Do you think you will ever be able to respect or be attracted to him again?

He's neurotic by nature it seems. Other than you having to walk on eggshells, I'm surprised you haven't mentioned him being actively controlling.

You’ve put up with too much for too long. Yes he’s mentally unwell, you’ve raised it previously and been shut down. That should have been when he sought the therapy to try and resolve things.

OP it’s a horrible situation but you only have one shot at the game of life, it’s ok to want something more for yourself, even if that’s just peace. I’d also be considering what the relationship models to the DC, they’ve already seen and done a lot of walking on eggshells, they need to learn that’s absolutely not normal in a relationship.

Thanks for your responses. I would like to resolve things in terms I would like a happy marriage where I could see us enjoying each others company in our old age/retirement. . There is also a feeling that I ought to stay as I married him and should make it work, I have never wanted to have a failed marriage and would be worried about family and friend's views. Most of all I don't want to put our children, who are adults now, through splitting their Christmas' between us, their weddings with dealing with seperated parents etc. I would consider couples counselling but for other reasons, I don't want to mention here, it may not be the best time logistically at the moment. I could ask if he would discuss is lack of confidence with his counsellor, I think he has mainly been discussing his general anxieties around things going wrong, will see how suggesting that will go down

I think the first and most important thing to do is go for some individual therapy for yourself only.

What is your definition of abuse if not what you are describing?. Did you yourself grow up seeing a not too dissimilar abuse dynamic between your parents?

And you are with him still because...

Goodness alone knows what your adult children think of the two of you; they likely cannot abide their dad and could well view you as putting him before them. You've remained with him despite his abuses of you and he's trained/conditioned you to be this passive and otherwise compliant.

You cannot change him and this is who he really is, its your call entirely as to whether you want to spend the rest of your days with him or not. You are an adult with agency and women are not rehab centres for badly raised men. You need to cease acting as some sort of rehab centre for him.

Sorry but I got the ick just reading about your dh.
What are his good points?

He sounds a bit odd socially and has high anxiety - I was wondering about ASD? You say he wasn't like this when you first met - could he have been masking but unable to keep it up long term?

missminimum

re your comment:-
"Thanks for your responses. I would like to resolve things in terms I would like a happy marriage where I could see us enjoying each others company in our old age/retirement. . There is also a feeling that I ought to stay as I married him and should make it work, I have never wanted to have a failed marriage and would be worried about family and friend's views"

Divorce is not failure OP, living in such unhappiness is and your marriage has been unhappy for years. What you wish for and what you've got and will continue to get are two very different things. There is no resolving this because your H is in his own way quite happy as he is around you and he has you to look after and otherwise clean up after him. You in the meantime have continued to walk on eggshells aka living in fear.

Why do you place such overtly high value on the views of your family and or friends?. Do you to your own self not matter that much?. Would they really care that much if you got divorced; if so I would suggest they are overinvested. People generally have more than enough to be thinking about regarding their own lives than to worry at all about you getting divorced. These people also are not married to your H, you are and you've been seeing his true nature for many years now.

Who made you want to be such a people pleaser?. People pleasers often start off down that path from becoming parent pleasers, do think about this a lot more. You have no voice in this marriage and have not had a voice in this for years.

I am a people pleaser and always described as "calm". We married young and were head over heals about each other. The first few years were good, but thing changed when everyday life stresses were experienced, I could take things in my stride, but these things made him anxious and angry. He has a big thing about not being blamed for things, even though I am at pains not to, so not sure where that comes from
I did not experience similar im my childhood, my parents never had a cross word and my father was devoted to my mother, so maybe my expectations are high. They had some really challenging things to face, but I was brought up to face challenging times but DH was always protected from them from his mother taking over when times were hard. My mother, though caring, showed more "tough love". I still feel I need her approval and divorce is not something she would approve, I know that is silly.
He is socially awkward, but wasn't before we married, one thing I like about him then was him being genuine and not trying to impress, he could talk to others confidently. I am not sure why he changed, if it was a front to try to impress me, that he could not sustain or his mental health has deteriorated over the years ...
Things I like about him are harder to find these days, but I do find him physically attractive still, but his behaviour affects me being attracted to him sexually, he is hard working and wants to be there for our DCs to help them if needed, we have similar values and attitudes to money.
It is really difficult to talk to him about how I feel as it feels like I am being overly critical, reducing his self-esteem and compounding his feeling of needing reassurance in our relationship, which then makes me more irritated with him. Maybe some therapy for me would be good, I did start some a few weeks ago, ut stopped as I really struggle to think about me and my needs!

Your very last line there about your needs. I think that is precisely why you should probably persevere with it (this is my personal experience/issue too). Perhaps you didn’t have the right counsellor?

I can understand that you want to make your marriage happy, but you can't do that by changing yourself to fit round his needs, health and habits. It takes both of you to tackle it and he's not interested in trying.

His mental health problems don't excuse his behaviour. Most people with mental illness try hard not to let their problems affect their partners and families.

I'm afraid he sounds manipulative. What's with the talking to you in a child's voice? That's nothing to do with mental health, it's a windup or attention seeking.

As for divorce being a failure, it's far better than staying in a miserable marriage, especially if there are children. My mother eventually divorced my father after years of miserable life for all of us. She had been encouraged to stay "for the sake of the children". The children wished she'd done it sooner to save us from years of unhappiness.

I sympathise OP, my h has always had anger problems about relatively trivial shit but it’s got worse as he’s got older, thing is the more you pull away, the more needy they become.

I wrote that divorce is NOT failure, living in such unhappiness is.

You were initially a parent pleaser and from that state you have became a people pleaser. You've basically ended up attempting to please everyone else but you and have become neglectful of your own needs, a state your H has taken full advantage of.

Although this feels like an automatic behaviour, you actually have a choice. Awareness is often the first step toward change. And you need to break away from people pleasing because it really has done you no favours in life.

Do consider working with a BACP registered therapist and most importantly on your own.

I would also think your H does not at all behave like he does towards and around you towards anyone else in the outside world. Many such angry aka abusive types do come across as quite plausible to others.

AttilatheMeerkat, I think you have summed things up very well, thank you. I have some thinking to do ...