Husband’s chatter

[User124689]

I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s like my DH verbalizes every thought in his head. Or asks a lot of questions rather than just getting on with it and trying.

He can’t make a decision about anything, so I say “option A” and then he says “but don’t you think xyz?” I’m like “no I just told you A” and he’ll say “but I’m just thinking XYZ and DEF, what do you think?” And I’ll say “no, I just said option A”.

I’m exhausted by it. There’s no actual conversation, it’s just his mouth running. I’m sure if he stopped talking sometimes and internalized it all, the thinking process would give him the answers he needs rather than seeking them from me.

I just had a go at him and told him to stop wittering on. He told me I was being an arsehole. I know he’s right, I wasn’t very nice.

But it’s slowly driving me mad.

He lacks self-confidence and after YEARS of trying to boost him, it’s like I’ve run out of sympathy / empathy and now cannot bear the faffing or indecision or hesitation over EVERYTHING.

Just need to get this off my chest I guess. Not sure there’s any answers. He is who he is, and I love him for that, but please allow me a little a rant…..

You have my sympathies. My father is exactly the same. Think of the Chas and Dave song Rabbit and that's him. He talks, talks, talks, talks, with no sensitivity as to whether the listener actually fucking wants to hear. We thought my mum was deaf, but it turns out there's nothing wrong with her hearing; she'd just stopped listening to him.

I love him dearly, but we had a bit of a bust up recently about it and he has possibly realised just how much the endless yapping pisses me off. That, and the fact that he never bloody listens to what anyone is saying; he's too busy formulating his reply.

I feel better for getting that off my chest

Does he ask questions he already knows the answer to, over and over?I just wonder as some ppl with autism sometimes do this, as a reassurance thing. They know the answers but they ask anyway.

He sounds just like my adult son who is autistic

He can’t make a decision about anything, so I say “option A” and then he says “but don’t you think xyz?” I’m like “no I just told you A” and he’ll say “but I’m just thinking XYZ and DEF, what do you think?” And I’ll say “no, I just said option A”.

Maybe I'm wrong about this because I've picked this bit out and don't know his full character, but I'm not sure if he's as indecisive as what you think he is.

People so often assume that dominant people are loud, direct and shouty but some people are covertly and quietly dominant (often they are passive aggressive too). They come across as mild mannered, maybe reserved, not confrontational and dithering even, but they can be very manipulative.

They will give their partners the illusion of choice when they never really had it. They will say 'Do you want A' because they want you to think that they were being considerate, when the whole time they are manoeuvring you into choosing B, but don't want it to be obvious. That's why you can sometimes end up in seemingly pointless, frustrating discussions or arguments with them. It's because they already had an idea of what they wanted but for some reason are unwilling to be honest and upfront about that.

It's just something to consider.

@AnInspectorBores. My dh since he retired is like this and yes I ignore him too. I tell workmen not to worry about leaving when dh is mid flow.
It’s exhausting.

He sounds like my DS(6), who just witters on for the sake of chatting. When he asks something he doesn't need to ask I don't answer it, but say "What do you think?" or "What did I say when you asked me this before?".

Obviously you shouldn't have to do that with your DH but... unfortunately you might.

Oh God yes!!! Constant . Does my head in. I'll be so glad when he goes to work tomorrow. No more verbal diarrhea in my ear.

My 11 year old does this and drives me mad. I really thought it was something she would grow out of so your post fills me with dread. She has to fill all silence with wittering on or singing. I say she doesn't need to talk to me all the time and she says she isn't, she is talking to herself.

It’s often a mix of running commentary, rhetorical questions and words just coming out. It’s definitely not just talking to himself or mumbling because he doesn’t do it when I’m out of ear shot.

@Gretaburley yes, that's it exactly - it's exhausting. I can't relax in his company.

Oh my lord, I have one with a running commentary. Yesterday I was scrolling through FB and something came on louder than I like ( but not that loud) and he heard him say

....ooh loud noise.... From the bloody kitchen. The commentry is constant, he's currently decorating a downstairs room and is back and forth ( he faffs as well) and all I've heard is paintbrushes, paint cleaning etc