Hi. Long - sorry! Any advice would be appreciated.
For various reasons I’ve decided to step away from my family a bit. I don’t want to be dramatic about it or make a grand announcement. I just want to fade a bit.
Whenever I see them - two of them especially - I come away feeling really shit about myself. I find them aggressive and controlling and if I don’t do whatever they say I’m the worst person in the world.The narrative is that we all get on wonderfully but we really don’t. Lots of fighting and jostling for control, not just involving me.
With the sibling who lives further away it’ll be easy enough to see less of them. And I can make excuses to avoid family events.
The big problem is Dsis who lives nearby. Our DC are in the same school (and are very close). I find her very controlling. Constantly telling me what to do and if I don’t agree she tells everyone how unreasonable I am. Uses her DC as weapons, eg punishes me by withdrawing playdate invites to my own DC on a flimsy excuse which has upset them. I know she has also bitched to them about me. My 3 year old niece who I’m very fond of once said to me “My mum says you’re mean”. I’ve so far never involved my DC in any bitching about her.
Usually she only contacts me when she wants something. Often what she wants is my DC to call to hers (my DC is very popular at school and she likes her DC to be seen with them). Or she’ll want some kind of a networking contact from me or DH. She’ll be all nice then, suggesting lunch etc. But as soon as the favour is done she’ll drop me like a hot potato - often claiming at the last minute when a better offer comes up that she forgot she was supposed to meet me. Any time I ever invite her over to mine she’ll be evasive or refuse or cancel at the last minute. Meetings always have to happen at her house. Any family events have to happen at her house. It’s just “easier” she says. She’ll make any excuse not to come to mine but if I refused to go to hers I’d be “letting down the family” and “depriving my DC of a family day out” and everyone would be told about how I had ruined the day for everyone.
I just want to not have to go over there any more, or not so much. And certainly no more family events there. Or do her any more networking favours (apart from helping out with emergencies or her DC).
If I try to fade though and be less available to jump when she orders me to she’ll be on to me like a cat on a mouse. Why can’t you come? What are you doing? You can’t be that busy surely, you don’t lead an exciting life. She’ll collar the DC at school and ask them what I was doing that day or what days I’m free. She’ll tell everyone I’m being difficult and avoiding her when she’s only trying to be nice.
I can handle that tbh, and I think people do know what she’s like. It’s the involvement of the DC that makes me uneasy. I suspect she’s even tried to get in a few snarky comments about me to my own DC at times.
Any advice from people who’ve been there would be much appreciated. Thanks!