Not sure what to do now

[GuiltParty]

I’ve known for a while that my relationship didn’t have legs long term, but I wasn’t unhappy and didn’t feel ready to pull the plug for various reasons. But just lately I was finding him to be quite critical of my parenting and DCs and he was clearly finding it harder to hide his feelings of contempt for my autistic DD.

Long story short, my kids told me just before Xmas that they don’t really like him and don’t want him living with us so I decided that it would be kindest to end things early January so as not to ruin the festive period for us all and give him a chance to sort out his living arrangements which the DC agreed with.

But last night, there was a minor falling out over a board game and he shouted at DD who became very upset. He agreed to leave for a few days and went this morning,

This is obviously not how I planned things and now I’m not sure what to do. Realistically he won’t be able to come back to the house as it will be too upsetting for DD but I haven’t told him that our relationship is over yet and feel I owe him ‘the conversation’.

Is it kinder to break up now or wait until NY has passed? If I wait, what do we do in the interim? I’m not sure he understands the seriousness of what’s just happened as I don’t think he really recognises his part in the fallout (not just yesterday but his behaviour over the last few weeks/months).

Yet again I’m in a position of trying to please everyone but pleasing no one and I just don’t know what to do for the best. We’ve been friends for over 30 years so I want to handle things as sensitively as possible out of respect for him and our friendship but obviously my DC come first. Feeling down and confused and would really appreciate some advice please

There's never a good time. Skint after Xmas. Too close to Xmas. Will ruin birthday/easter/ national centiped awareness week.

You don't want to be with him. So don't. Managing his feelings now is not hour job. Wasn't ever tbh.

Its gonna sucks whenever you do it.

Rip off the band aid befire you talk.ykurself out of it

Ps I did mine a week before Xmas last Yr. U just have to do it.

just end it now, why expose your kids to him any longer than needed

Just end it now and start 2022 fresh.

My youngest has autism, and anxiety around uncertainty. Conflict is certainly a trigger for her meltdowns. As you know, a calm home environment is key to managing day to day. I dumped my boyfriend over Xmas (unrelated to child issues). There is never a good time and you should use this event to draw a line. I feel better for getting rid of a person from my life who served no positive purpose. There is no point dragging it out, and you will feel better once the action has been taken. If your kids don't like him, they probably see what is wrong with him...kids are like that, and speak honestly without the usual social conditioning linked to adults not wishing to offend. The lesson to learn from this is that any man you meet who is critical of your kids or you, for no clear and justified reason, is not worth your time in any capacity. You are a role model for your children, and dumping this man shows them clearly not to tolerate bad behaviour from others.

He probably knows already tbh. You don't need a conversation, not yet at least.

Just tell him in simple terms that you don't want him living with you anymore. Not just because of the kids either, but because you're not happy with him.

Let him make his living arrangements then talk it over if you feel you still need to.

Right now concentrate on your kids and yourself.

Thanks so much everyone

It’s a shame really as he has been really helpful and supportive, particularly with DD and I thought they had a good relationship - they knew him when we were just friends.

I posted a while ago asking how you break things off with a good guy because I felt unjustified in doing so. Everyone loves him - even my family were asking if I was sure when I let them know that the end was nigh.

It’s just been the last couple of months that the criticism has crept in to a noticeable level and he was vocalising some of this to my DCs. I’ve been here before however with an ex and I ignored the warning signs until it blew up. I have huge regrets about that and won’t make the same mistake twice.

I’m not sure he does understand it’s over as he asked me to let him know when he should come back to finish some DIY he’d started which we’d planned to finish this week.

I do feel relieved in a way but I think this will be the last serious relationship I have as I find the men I have dated just can’t handle my DD’s difficulties (I struggle too but have unconditional love which helps us through). I feel daunted at having to face everything alone again as it’s not easy although I’ve done it before and will cope as I always have done.

So I know I have to rip this plaster off now - is it ok to do it by text? Phone? Or should I do it in person (although I’m not sure how I will orchestrate that now)?

I'd call him. Don't have him.round to puppy dog eye you.

A text can be deliberately Mis understood.

Take a deep breath. Call. Amd don't get drawn into an argument. Its over. That's all that really matters now .

Good luck op