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Original poster

Husbands who walk away and then want to come back….

20 replies

EasyGoing80 · 28/12/2021 12:26

As per my previous post, my husband walked out on me a year ago ‘as we want different things’ , tried to keep one foot in the door and now would quite like to come back.

There has been no other woman (or at least I have no proof of one)

Anyone been in this situation with no OW??

Anyone ever got back together after something like this??

I’m quite happy on my own now but at the same time, scared in case in the future I think ‘what if’

Help me see sense please,,,,,

OP posts:
Magnited · 28/12/2021 12:34

The world is messy and full of 8 billion different individuals.

Don't rush. Take time out to weigh everything up. Only you will give yourself the honest answer and you will just feel whether getting back is the right thing to do or just go your own way.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 12:36

OP, how much do you know about his last twelve months? Because I think you will feel like a fool.

LadyExpecting93 · 28/12/2021 12:37

I've been with my partner 13 years.
3 years ago we broke up as he did indeed look for other options in someone else, that lasted a year.

Whilst I was gutted and heartbroken I knew I still loved him and kept a door open for him. He came back but done everything imaginable to make things right between us and it's been good ever since. The guilt and realisation of what THEY have done is important.

We are now expecting our first child in July and couldn't be happier.

LadyExpecting93 · 28/12/2021 12:39

I agree with others posters saying be could not be being honest about the past 12 months. To move on you need a clean slate and you need to know EVERYTHING.

eagerlywaitingfor · 28/12/2021 12:39

If he wanted different things then, how has that changed from then to now? Unless you both want broadly the same things in life going forward, I don't see how getting back together could possibly work long term.

Allsortsofroses · 28/12/2021 13:40

@PersonaNonGarter

OP, how much do you know about his last twelve months? Because I think you will feel like a fool.
Yeah the vast majority of men don't leave without someone lined up.

Sounds like it just hasnt panned out for him.

WhatTheFuckingFuck123 · 28/12/2021 13:45

There has been no other woman

Bull
Shit

BackBackBack · 28/12/2021 14:01

@WhatTheFuckingFuck123

There has been no other woman

Bull
Shit

This.

I gave advice on a similar thread recently. "We want different things" normally translates to "I want to go and fuck other people". Followed up by "we should give it another go" which translates to "I've screwed all the random women I want and got it out of my system, and now feel like coming back to my comfortable home and life and not going through an expensive and stressful divorce".

Dontbeme · 28/12/2021 14:02

tried to keep one foot in the door and now would quite like to come back

So either there was another woman you don't know about or he fancied seeing if he could find someone "better" than you, but do you really want to be his back up plan?

What would life look like if he came back, always wondering about what he did in that time, always wondering if you are doing/saying something that will have him out the door again, are you the type of person that can live with that uncertainty day in day out? Always walking on eggshells just in case?

What has he offered you OP? What is he offering that means you are willing to undo the past year of moving on and your hard won happiness?

Snuggledupforwinter · 28/12/2021 14:10

I think once trust has been broken by one party its almost impossible to return to how the relationship was previously - and anyway why would you want to if the partnership wasnt enough for him before. Would you have couples counselling to try to navigate a way forward (whether it's moving forward separately or together) and explore your options. Just because he's now decided the grass isnt greener and he wants to do a U turn doesn't mean you have to (or should) accept the offer.

Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 14:14

On your post the other day you said you felt sorry for him. You were certainly not sounding desperate to get back with him. I get the feeling you are a people pleaser and you would be doing it for him rather than you.

Didn’t he also walk out on you on Xmas day as things were not going as hoped for him?

Is this really what you want in your life?

Dery · 28/12/2021 14:21

“WhatTheFuckingFuck123
There has been no other woman

Bull
Shit
This.

I gave advice on a similar thread recently. "We want different things" normally translates to "I want to go and fuck other people". Followed up by "we should give it another go" which translates to "I've screwed all the random women I want and got it out of my system, and now feel like coming back to my comfortable home and life and not going through an expensive and stressful divorce".”

This. The reason most of us believe there is likely to have been an OW is because it’s quite possible and permissible for a couple to have separate interests and hobbies, different political opinions and so on. Those different things can be done from within the relationship. But generally having sex with other people can’t. We could all be wrong of course but we’re naturally sceptical.

I remember your other thread. You said you had done well with getting on with your life. And he sounded like a twat who, having swanned off for a year now wanted to return and was complaining because you weren’t rushing to let him back in. So, OP, he sounds like a selfish, flaky, entitled twat. And as I recall the strongly prevailing view on that thread was that you shouldn’t let him back. And you didn’t want to hear that so you’ve started a new thread.

And you know what, OP - that’s completely fine. You know yourself and you know him. We’re strangers on the internet. And one of the things you seem to know about yourself is that you’re not ready to let this relationship go and that you’d rather give it one more try before deciding whether or not to walk away. That’s your prerogative.

You have to do what’s right for you here. You can change your mind again in the future - you can end it later - you can say to him “I tried to accept you back but, after what you did, i no longer feel safe in this relationship and I need to end it.” Or he might pull this stunt again a few years from now. Or this might turn out to have been an aberration and you may have many more decades together. Whatever the future may hold, based on your update, it does sound like you feel you need to give it another try before walking away in which case that is the right thing for you to do.

Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 14:23

He then stormed off as “I seemed busy on my phone”

OP- you really need to shut the door on this. None of your previous posts said anything about how sorry he was or anything about you! It was all about him and what he wanted. Please do not make this mistake.

He will have been shagging loads of other women if there isn’t one in particular. No man leaves a marriage and stays celibate for a year!

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2021 14:36

No it would never work as the trust has been broken. I'd be wondering if he was planning to leave me again. If you're genuinely happy, then why risk your happiness as it may happen all over again.

Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 28/12/2021 15:01

Thank you for all of your responses.

@Dery you are one million percent right in your words. If anything, a new thread was started to confirm my feelings that I cannot go back to this. It felt better not having the choice to go back if I’m honest, but there’s no way I could ever trust or respect him again.

He is texting me today as if things are back on track. Just random stuff like ‘what you up to today’ and I’m a dickhead and respond. My boundaries need to change, I understand that. As much as I don’t want him back, It’s difficult to cut off 18 years overnight. I feel like I’ve gone back six months rather than progressing. It’s shit being nice and a people pleaser 😔

OP posts:
Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 15:06

Problem is people take advantage of people pleasers and that is exactly what he is doing. Just don’t respond

Gildedbrooks · 28/12/2021 15:13

Just bear in mind the 'what if' is just as likely to be you who decides this time instead of him...so with that in mind the odds are fairly equal and it just depends how much you still love him. I don't necessarily believe there's another specific woman - he may just have left to see if he did indeed feel open to other possibilities and then realise he is actually bonded to you. Nothing is set in stone and your heart already knows what to do. Listen to it.

Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 28/12/2021 15:31

I need to grow a set of balls and move on.

OP posts:
Dery · 28/12/2021 15:34

@EasyGoing80 - it's good that the thread is helping you confirm your thoughts (even though I was completely wrong about the direction in which they're confirming them!). It's very hard when you've had 18 years with someone and borne their children - your feelings connected with the future you planned with your ex will probably take a few years to completely pass particularly since you're now having to hold him at bay. But it really does sound from your update like there's no way back for you.

Re. being a people pleaser - it has helped me to realise that actually being a people pleaser is in its way quite selfish because it's about wanting people to like you and and be pleased with you. So, in its way, being a people pleaser does involve taking from people. I have tended to be a people pleaser also and I know that sounds counterintuitive but it has been really helpful at getting me to break out of it. Look at it this way - by allowing him to think he may be able to come back, you're making things worse for you and him. The sooner he realises it's over - and it really sounds like it is - the sooner he can start dealing with that reality. After all, he chose this. No doubt he will piss and moan and you may need some RL support to help you resist him, but the pain and discomfort associated with that will pass in time even if it takes a few years to do so.

But your update shows that your relationship really is over - you don't want him back; you won't be able to trust or respect him. Any attempt to get back together will cast a horrible, life-sapping shadow over your life, his life and - most importantly - your children's lives. The pain caused by that will have much longer last consequences that the temporary pain and discomfort of him realising it's over. In time, he will move on and find someone else and you will, too, if you want to.

BackBackBack · 28/12/2021 15:34

So start growing them today. Stop engaging and tell him it's over and you are filing for divorce.

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