Help with DDs dad

[chinabumps]

This may be a bit of a long read and I don't even know why I'm writing this (maybe just to vent?) so thank you for reading.

I've known my DD's dad for years as we were friends for a few years and then we became fwbs. I found out I was pregnant when we were only fwbs even though I had taken the morning after pill. It was a difficult pregnancy due to lockdown and at first he wasn't keen on me keeping the baby but finally came round to the idea. He supported me during the pregnancy (I also had bad PGP so he did all my food shopping with me etc). Fast forward to now and our DD is 7 months old. They have a great relationship and bonded right from the beginning. I was actually shocked at how much they bonded because I knew he didn't want me to keep the baby at the very beginning.

DD and I moved into a new flat in the summer however her dad and I don't live together (I'm early 20s and he's mid 20s and still lives at home). He vists frequently during the week and helps out a lot (as he should do seeing as he's the other parent!).

We're not officially in a relationship but we're more or less together (doesn't make sense I know) and I'm now stupidly pregnant with our second (long story around contraception but I had a plan in place with my GP on when to start it).
Most of the time everything's great but I really struggle with a few things such as:

• he doesn't have a job. When we were friends he lied to me saying he was in uni and he worked in a supermarket. It was only when I was pregnant that he admitted that he dropped out of uni a couple of years before we became friends and he never worked in a supermarket. He knows that he needs to get a job but his attitude around doing so is so ridiculous. He applies for a few jobs here and there, he's even had a few interviews but hasn't been successful. I feel he's stuck in his ways and even with another baby on the way, he says he doesn't feel any pressure but will get a job in the new year. We've had numerous conversations about this but it's as if I'm talking to myself. I simply can't force him to care anymore then he barely does.

• he's unreliable. I'll ask him to come to the house on a certain day and he always does but the time he gets to the house is a joke. I'll ask him to come in the day around 2/3 and he'll turn up at 7/8 or even 9 when DD is already in bed. That means I've had to struggle with her all day whilst making bottles, washing bottles (the norm really but it's much easier with two of us doing it, especially as I'm pregnant now). Time and time again I've said how his DD isn't a priority to him as he'll get here at whatever time and doesn't seem to care that I'm struggling. In his mind he'll get here when he gets here and even though he's late, it's better that he's late than not here at all. I really can't get through to him regarding communicating if he's going to be late and just letting me know instead of feeling like we're the last thing on his checklist that needs doing for the day.

Those are the main two issues and I know it may not seem like the end of the world, they're things that constantly bother me. I cannot get past the low ambition and having no drive especially when you're going to have two kids depending on you.
I also struggle with the lack of communication. I think I have PND and some days I get so frustrated with DD even though she's just a baby and it's not her fault that her only way of communication is through crying. Yet he's in no rush to come and help out no matter how much I tell him I'm struggling with the baby.

Ugh I'm just so fed up tbh. I've stopped having sex with him but really it's too little too late. I'm really disappointed in myself that this is the life I have now. I love DD and will love our second DC but it's so embarrassing that this is the person that I've had kids with. I'm young but not stupid so can't even blame it on immaturity. I guess I'm just here to vent and maybe have some sort of practical advice on what I can do moving forward even though I don't see anything getting better.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low about this OP. For a start, I think you need to cut the ‘sort of’ relationship you’re in with him and just decide to coparent as best you can. Being in this limbo with him will not allow you to move onto better things as you’ll always feel responsible for him and be stuck dealing with his shit. To be honest, he isn’t a catch. You said it’s great most of the time, but then go on to say he’s a liar with no drive and no job, who is unreliable and clearly doesn’t stick to his word or communicate?? If your sister/friend/mum ended up with someone like that what would you say to them? Would you allow them to be treated like an afterthought?

Stop wasting your time trying to change him (you cannot change them, they change themselves if they truly want to) and instead focus on raising your children. You could waste years on him and become bitter and resentful over the whole situation - only to split with him anyway - or you could focus on yourself and your kids and YOUR happiness. Start NOW.

Bump bump bumpity bump

You don't mention how pregnant you are with your second. If it is still very early days, could you contemplate having an abortion? That might not be acceptable to you - and that's fine - but you're already struggling with the situation and things are going to be considerably harder with two tiny children.

If abortion is not acceptable to you, the best thing is to focus on building your life with the two DCs. The early years of parenthood are particularly demanding but it's probably easier doing it alone than trying to do it with someone who constantly lets you down. Apart from him, do you have any practical help in real life - could your parents sometimes help with childcare, for example? Could you put your DC in nursery for some of the time to give yourself a break?

You mention PND - it would be natural to be feeling a bit depressed in the situation you're in, to be honest. It's probably partly hormones, also tiredness and the fact that you have no time to yourself (all of which are normal with babies and very young children). That said, it's a bit worrying that you're talking about getting so frustrated with your baby and that you're struggling, particularly if you're proposing to have another baby. Perhaps talk to your GP and see if there's anything they can suggest about how to alleviate your feelings of PND.

Hi both, thanks for the comments. I've now posted this in AIBU if you wanted to comment/offer further suggestions there

He’s showing you that he’s not the person you want him to be. He’s not your daughter’s father, just a waft in-and-out Disney dad. Whatever you decide to do about dc2, you’re going to be a single parent and you need to find a way to do that /be that, because he is not going to turn into the person you are fantasising him to be.
I’m sorry-it sounds brutal because it is, and it sounds like he’s getting off the hook because he is.
Make sure you’re registered for child maintenance so anything your dd is entitled to from his benefits is available to her.