Problems with partner

[cheeseypie21]

HI all i am new here. I have been with my partner for 10 years, i have 3 kids that he took on (sadly their real dad died). over xmas i found messages from another girl on his phone, he's been offering her money and food, I dont know her or her name, and pretty sure she's not from work, she has a partner and knows about me, several times she's asked me to go over with him and he's made several excuses like i'm isolating, i'm working etc. I questioned this messages last night, at first he full force denied it then came clean about 1 hour later saying she's from school and has mental problems and is always asking for money. I found more messages that hes sent to her asking if shes missing him, which she replied Maybe. Then we had a full blown argument that I don't trust him and he's done. I fell asleep shortly after, we don't live together he has his own place.

Also he went and bought him something yesterday for £600, when we are supposed to be saving for our delayed wedding and moving into together and he was like yeah so means i can spend more time at home.

would this be ringing alarm bells? We had a lovely xmas day and this has totally spoilt it

Just be glad you don't live together and aren't married.

This isn't alarm bells, you've stumbled on the actual problem.

Definitely alarm bells. When you say girl, do you mean a pupil at school or a woman who works there? Sounds like a typical man who offers friendship and support to a vulnerable woman in the hope he can get into her pants. Funny how there are so many knights in shining armour for attractive younger women.

She wants to involve you in the "friendship" , he doesn't. He asks leading questions about if she misses him, she is non commital. It's all rather obvious what he's after.

I'm sorry you have this upsetting situation to deal with but thank goodness you don't live with him and you haven't married him.

Thank you, she is the same age as him, they went school together, I no nothing else about her, she's not saved on his phone just her number and her whatsapp pic.

Your relationship with this man should be now at an end. Thankfully you are neither married to him or actually live together.

He’s at best overstepping the mark professionally and at worst, he’s grooming a vulnerable woman. It’s time to throw this one back, I suspect there’s a lot more you don’t know about.

Er sorry, I thought he knew her from his work at a school. Skip my first sentence but need the last.

Thanks i just don't get it, hes jsut had my name tattoed on his arm yesterday!

@cheeseypie21

Thanks i just don't get it, hes jsut had my name tattoed on his arm yesterday!

Ahh a grand gesture to try and prove he's serious. Doesn't mean he's the one.

Get rid of him, he is not trustworthy.

Alarm bells? God yes.

What kind of relationship do you think they have if he's asking her if she's missing him??? Apparently this woman is mentally ill (that's a classic, isn't it), yet there he is, fishing for compliments and an ago boost from her.

The fact that it ruined my Christmas day would be the last thing on my mind here. I'd be thinking of leaving him. He sounds like a sleeze and not trustworthy.

ego boost*

Thanks all I just dont get it, 10 years feels like its going down the drain,

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. This thinking is an example of the sunk costs fallacy.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.