This was as close to an apology as I will get, wasn't it?

[allupsidedown]

Back story,
My parents had a terrible relationship. I was 14 when I walked in on my dad shagging our employee whilst mum was in hospital having cancer treatment.
I told my mum and she finally found courage to leave my dad. I was then subsequently blamed by my dad for the break-up. I don't know what he told the rest of his side of the family but they were barely more than civil after that.
Both my mum and dad have died. I have a younger sister, who was really too young to understand what went on during the split. She just knows that she had a very different relationship with dad than I. We are extremely close despite that.
For years, I tried my very best to be kind. My DH gets annoyed at me trying to be nice to them saying they should be nice to me. I know he is right but I can't stop myself from trying to get them to like me.
My dad told me I was a narcissist and I sometimes wonder if I am a nasty person. I try hard to be a good person.
I bumped into some extended family on Christmas Eve. He said "you know, maybe you aren't as bad as all that!"
I have to take that as an apology and move on don't I?
No point in causing further arguments. I rarely have any contact with most of them. The only person that would get upset is me. I just need to let it go. I know this. So why can't I? How do I escape the words that my dad said? He has been dead a long time but his actions/words still hurt. I try to not let it bother me but every so often they just catch me unaware and I feel like shit again.
I've contacted the GP because I think I need counselling but apparently the waiting list is long. Perhaps I should go private. Or perhaps I should do what I've done for 20 years and bury my hurt.
I have a wonderful DH, Dsis and my own children. I have lovely friends. I don't even know why I'm writing this but today is another moment of feeling crap about it all.
If anyone has advice as to how I move on, I'd appreciate it. I do a pretty good job most of the time but other days I feel like I must be a terrible human.

Your dad was the villain of the piece and threw you up under the bus rather than be honest with his family about what a cunt he'd been.

I'm not sure why this still bothers you as they are not nice people to have believed whatever lies he made up about you, however, if you want to feel better about this perhaps putting the record straight would give you some closure. Send a letter or several letters to the family members involved and state what you've said here, even if they never respond you will know that they know the truth. They can choose to believe you or continue to believe his lies but you don't have to think about them anymore once you've told them the truth.

Counselling would be a good idea even if the waiting list is long.

Previous poster totally nailed it
our dad was the villain of the piece and threw you up under the bus rather than be honest with his family about what a cunt he'd been

Totally unforgivable
My sons almost the age you were
Breaks my heart he did that to you

Counselling is worthwhile

I’m sorry he did this to you op
Heavy shit to put in a child

Thank you. I know it is all down to my dad. I know he was just using me to cover up his own terrible behaviour.
What gets me is that his family don't seem to see that. He has been dead over 10 years now. They are of the opinion that they can't speak ill of him because he can't defend himself. But I feel like I couldn't defend myself back then because I was a kid.
Thank goodness my mum's side of the family were wonderful. However they are all gone now too. My dad's side of the family have been much luckier with their health.
I will remain on the waiting list for counselling because I just need to get it out of me. I've spent 18 years squashing these feelings but I've realised that I'm not very good at ignoring them.
When something goes wrong in my life I keep thinking back, more and more on what was said. I wonder if I deserve everything bad because I'm a terrible person. At points, recently, I have felt like my DH and young children would be better off without me because I'm terrible and damaged. The last thing I want to do is mess them up too. These kind of thought have definitely been getting bigger. Then I think "shut up, you are just being a drama Queen." And I try to keep going.
The apology I need will never come because my dad is dead. I don't think the family are capable of seeing how much hurt this has caused so I need a way to move on without needing anything from them. I'm not going to get it. I can't go on feeling like I'm evil, worthless and damaging to others.

Your dad behaved like an utter shit.

You were 14 and put in a dreadful position.

He’s passed blame & wormed his way out. His behaviour towards you as a CHILD in the situation was absolutely awful & a certain amount of projection going on there, calling you a narc

Your dad behaved abominably, not only for blame shifting and his awful betrayal of your mum, but for carrying this on for years and smearing the character of a child instead of just coming clean and saying he was sorry for his behaviour. Please don't allow this to colour your view of whether you're a good person or not, and keep seeking counselling as this is a huge thing for anyone to have had to deal with. Have you ever spoken candidly to your sister about what happened?

Can you imagine disliking or being rude to a family member forever because of anything they did at 14/15? Because I can’t.

Do they know your dad cheated? Because if that was the story I certainly wouldn’t care about the word of that man over a child?
And I wouldn’t bully a child whilst defending an abusive man

This all says more about them than you.
You need to look at why you need their approval. What will happen if you don’t get it?
Tell them what happened if you want, you may not get a good reaction but maybe it’ll give you closure enough to realise why you don’t need people with such poor judgement and grasp on reality in your life.

Your dad sounds horrible, please don’t give any weight to anything he ever told you about yourself.

I've been in a similarish situation where my family turned their back on me when my aunt made up some things against me after my father's death. Looking back, it's not that they thought badly but because they couldn't cope with the idea of ruining the status quo. Bloody shitty behaviour, especially when I'm already grieving but there you go.

If they will not have a bad word against him, there literally is no point in trying to defend yourself over your father's actions. It will fall on deaf ears and cause you more hurt. Plus it may turn them completely against you for bringing up the past.

After lots of therapy, I have accepted that my family are who they are. The past has happened. I don't need to play to their tune. I do not need their approval. I do not need to prove that I am a good person. I have my own family who I can focus on. And they love me. That's all that matters.

It sounds like you have misplaced guilt over the breakup. And self loathing too. Because the person who should have been your biggest supporter stabbed you in the back. I suggest therapy for you too. It will take you to a dark place, but you will feel ultimately better.

Thank you for all your replies. They have definitely helped me.
I have never really had a deep conversation with my sister. She is much younger than me, she was barely out of primary school when dad died. He hasn't got to the point of being mean to her. It was when I hit puberty that things went really bad. Me finding him in the affair was the nail in the coffin to our relationship.
I've always protected my sister because I'm not entirely sure that sharing with her just how bad things were will do me any good. It certainly won't do her any good.
Our extended family have behaved appallingly towards us both.
My sister was still a teen and we had lost both parents. They did absolutely nothing to help. They are family by DNA but not by action. Mum's relatives and then friends looked out for us.
The other lot are just in the background like a musty smell we can't quite shift. I think if we didn't live so close to them that we bump into them it wouldn't be a problem. But we see them and things are just so awkward.
My sister knows things were bad. Just not all the details. It is actually too painful for me to even try to speak about it with her. Although I believe she would say similar to you all. She is my biggest supporter and vice versa. I just need to remember that I don't need that bunch of emotionally stunted people.

It wasn't until my sister got to 14 by which time dad was already dead that I realised that I might not be the problem. Until then, I believed that it was all my fault.

"Or perhaps I should do what I've done for 20 years and bury my hurt".

No do not do this under any circumstances!. I would suggest you find a BACP registered therapist to work with and asap, have a look at their website. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any particular one; these people are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits in with your own approach.

If anyone is at fault here it was your parents and your dad in particular threw you under the bus out of revenge and spite. He was the narcissist here, not you. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You need radiators in your life, not drains on them. Your late father's extended family are drains and you do not need their approval, not that they'd ever give you this anyway. You do not owe them anything.

If they behaved appallingly to your sister who was barely out of primary school when he died, then it just sounds as if they are just horrible people. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as your dads behaviour showed.

I don’t think you should take it personally if they weren’t even ok with your sister either. It’s not you, it’s them.

Even taking your sister out of the equation, their behaviour only probably reflects on what your dad told them.

I think you are focussing on them too much. It’s your dad you should be angry with, and yes counselling will help you.