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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At a loss what to do

5 replies

Pepsax · 27/12/2021 22:49

Hello!

Just a bit of background to hopefully make things clearer- I’m 30, have a younger brother of 22 (dad not around). I’m a single mum and live with my 5 year old. Brother lives with my mum.

For years now my brother has caused so many issues within the family- from 15 till 18 he started taking drugs- I told my mum this but she kept denying it saying I just didn’t like him- he nearly died when he was 18 off drugs which then made my mum realise I wasn’t talking shit. We both ended up paying drug dealers off as he was that much in debt.

Now he has sorted his life out, holds a stable job and has a lovely girlfriend. But now he drinks nearly every night (sometimes just 1/2 bottles sometimes a lot more) and spends a lot of money on gambling. My mum still defends him, even though he is sometimes verbally abusive to me and to her. He goes out on nights out, comes in throws up all over the house, starts arguments and when I visit my mum it doesn’t matter what he does she will always defend him which I think makes matters worse as he knows it doesn’t matter what he does she won’t do anything about it.

Fast forward to Xmas day- me and my son are staying at my mums for Xmas and meant to be here for till the New year when I go back to work.

He had quite a bit to drink Xmas day and out of nowhere became quite aggressive with me because I “shook my head” at him (I did as he was acting like a fucking idiot). He called me a fucking cunt, screamed in my face and at one point I thought he was actually going to punch me. Went and smashed his room up and kept coming downstairs to call me names and scream at me. All infront of my little boy- who absolutely adores him which has broke my heart and I am absolutely guttered- I’ve done nothing but cry, not for me but for my son. He should never have had to witness that and I will never forgive him.

The next day, he carried on as though he did nothing wrong. My aunt who lives abroad is home and she too was absolutely disgusted. Said she had never seen nothing like it etc etc.

My problem is my mum- she gave him a few harsh words (when I wasn’t there) but has basically just said it’s done now and we need to move on. I’ve said we can’t stay for New Year as I can’t be in the same room as him and invited my mum up to my house but she’s said she won’t leave my brother (he will be with his gf) and we will just have to see the night in on our own.

My mum is my best friend and she does so much for me and my son, but I just don’t know how much more of this I can take having my brother cause countless amount of dramas and my mum continuing to defend him. Usually I would let it go, but now it’s affected my son I just expected more from her and for her to actually do something about it- she is the parent and he has literally ruined my sons Xmas.

I dont know the actual point in this post, just that I’m feeling alone and hurt and for once wanted my mum to Do/say something. And I feel like just cutting ties with the lot of them!

OP posts:
Pepsax · 28/12/2021 08:52

Anybody? Xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 08:57

You simply can't allow your child to be around your brother. Your brother is abusive, violent and dangerous, and it's high time you set some rock solid boundaries. Your brother needs to be cut out of your life, and that means no going over to your mother's house.

Sassypants82 · 28/12/2021 09:02

I'm so sorry to read this. I would be absolutely appalled as well and would not be letting my son spend time in his company.

I think that your relationship with your Mum needs to be separate to him and her house while he lives there and you need to just not talk about him.

She is in a difficult place, not wanting to show any favour to either of you so I feel for her.
She is probably worried about his mental health and maybe also feels threatened by him so doesn't come down hard enough on him.

I would have a frank & honest conversation with her and tell her that you can't expose your child to such abusive outbursts /behavior.

Sorry OP, it's a shitty situation.

MadeForThis · 28/12/2021 09:48

Make it about your son not your brother.

Your son was scared. He didn't feel safe. He is confused and wants to go home.

She can defend and pretend regarding your brother. But you need to protect your son.

Tell her she is welcome to see you and your son anytime. But away from your brother.

He sounds like he has addiction issues - drugs have been replaced by alcohol and gambling.

Pepsax · 28/12/2021 12:46

Thankyou for your replies xx

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