AIBU to be thinking about leaving DH?

[HenryLaurens1776]

In the last months I have begun to realise that I am quite unhappy in my marriage and am beginning to contemplate leaving it at some future point. Have two DD in their teens. Am I being a whinge bag or do I have a real reason to be unhappy?

DH will rarely have sex with me. He says I am bad at sex when I try to raise the issue. It’s been like this for years. He criticises me a lot e.g. often criticising and sometimes shouting at me for loading the dishwasher “wrong”, sorting the washing wrongly, being messy (I am not the tidiest but not awful), my driving skills, my lack of practicality in DIY. He also is harsh on our kids. My older DD is quite a sensitive type and he cuts her no slack at all, telling her that she’s making a fuss for no reason. I have to comfort her. He has never told me he loves me. He is super tight with money and gets annoyed whenever I buy things, despite the fact we can afford it. He has alerts set on our bank account and will challenge me when I spend money about what it was for and then act annoyed.

OTOH he moved to a new city for my job and gave up his (this has made the criticism worse). He is brilliant around the house and he supports the kids with their school work. He is funny too and we still have good chats.

But I feel worn down. I think my new job - which is wonderful and where I get a lot more respect than I did in my old one - has made me notice this more. Also, we were separated for a few months this summer due to the move and I realised then I was a lot more relaxed when I wasn’t with him.

Thanks for your wise words. I haven’t posted on here since the kids were tiny but realise I am just turning this over in my head and not getting anywhere.

You have your answers. You are the breadwinner, you were happier when you were separated. Does your DH work or is he a SAHD?

That's a very tough situation, there are pros and cons. He doesn't sound like he's very good for you or your daughter's self esteem. My dad was like this and I've had to go no contact with him because I just felt horrible about myself every time I saw him.

Sounds like you have a good job and your own money, so in a good position if you do decide to go.

Have you thought about couples counselling prior to that? Sounds like you still have good communication so that could work. But also it sounds like he is controlling around money and sex, and that's a massive abuser red flag.

I don't really understand how you ended up married to someone who has never said they love you? I think you need to hear that from him and most importantly feel it!

ATM he is a SAHD. This is because we moved and he’s having to look for a new job. He worked full time until earlier this year.

Life is so incredibly short to live like this, OP. Make it a 2022 goal to get rid!

He sounds horrible
Critical
Monitoring and micro managing
Excessively harsh on your daughter
Sexually denigrating

Trust me it’s always better not to be with a man and father like that

I have thought about couples counselling. I have suggested it to him when k have explained how I feel. But it never leads to him actually agreeing to it. Our elder DD is having some counselling and he was very
dismissive of it to me so I am not sure how to make it happen. I have articulated how I feel many times over the years and it looks like he’s listening and he maybe changes for a bit (laying off the criticism) but it always starts again.

Re: marrying someone who never said he loves me. I had pretty poor self esteem when we met 20 yrs ago. That’s why I accepted it. I am much clearer on what I want and deserve now.

@babysfirstchristmas

That's a very tough situation, there are pros and cons. He doesn't sound like he's very good for you or your daughter's self esteem. My dad was like this and I've had to go no contact with him because I just felt horrible about myself every time I saw him.

Sounds like you have a good job and your own money, so in a good position if you do decide to go.

Have you thought about couples counselling prior to that? Sounds like you still have good communication so that could work. But also it sounds like he is controlling around money and sex, and that's a massive abuser red flag.

I don't really understand how you ended up married to someone who has never said they love you? I think you need to hear that from him and most importantly feel it!

someone who actively and consciously wrecks your head and is unkind should never be considered for couples counselling

He tells you you're bad at sex?

I'd leave him for that comment alone. What a prick.

Is this a reverse?