How do I end my 15 year marriage?

[sherbert82]

Long story short, I've been married 15 years in March, we have 5 children aged 13-3, I'm very unhappy, and I have been for at least 12 months.

I know that it's over for me. My feelings towards him have changed. They're just purely plutonic these days. And I don't know why! I wish I felt different. But I don't.

But how on earth do I unravel a long term marriage without destroying everyone??

He's a great guy and a great dad, he works so that I can stay home with the kids so feel even more guilty.

I'm utterly miserable :(

Would you consider marriage counselling? It seems a shame to throw away so much time even if you don't feel the same right now.

I was also going to suggest counselling to see/ discuss your feelings and maybe give him and you a chance to remedy it? There's a lot at stake. Not remotely saying you should stay in a relationship if it's really over, but I would want to at least have a proper go at saving it first.

How do you see your future? Do you want to meet someone else?

Or can you carry on together? Do you loathe him or just not fancy the pants off him anymore?

If the thought of being with him fills you with dread then you need to think about your future.

One step at a time.

There's no need for it to "destroy" anyone.

How old are you.

Could it be hormones? Perimenopause?

Op: It's over... I'm miserable...
Pp's : could you go to counselling? Is it your hormones? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So what’s your take then? @CheshireCats

I can't help you with answers but I wanted to let you know I'm feeling the exact same way right now.

@CheshireCats So what would you do?

You can think you want to leave a relationship for a long time (I did) but stuck it out and for various reasons things are now better than ever.

With 5 kids and the reality of a very difficult few years while you break up, move out, get a job etc. It might be that counselling or similar, may help OP see what she really wants.

i would think the platonic phase is just part of a long term relationship with children of a certain age.
do you know what you are looking for that can't be achieved with a good person by your side? would employment or education help?

What are you hoping to achieve by separating? It sounds as if it’s purely the sexual side that’s gone wrong if he’s otherwise a good guy and you’re friends? It seems a shame to throw away a long term marriage based on what you’ve said. Most relationships end up being quite mundane eventually. Do you think it can be saved?

“What are you hoping to achieve by separating? It sounds as if it’s purely the sexual side that’s gone wrong if he’s otherwise a good guy and you’re friends? It seems a shame to throw away a long term marriage based on what you’ve said. Most relationships end up being quite mundane eventually. Do you think it can be saved?”

This. You’ve had 5 children in 10 years - perhaps you’ve lost yourself in all that so you now only identify as mum rather than wife and adult woman with her own non-parent side to her identity also. And because you’ve had 5 children, it is pretty irresponsible to just throw the towel in because you’re not feeling romantic about the good father and husband who has supported you so you can be an SAHM. Unless there is a great deal you haven’t said - this sounds like a real “grass is greener” moment and you could come to seriously regret throwing your relationship away on what sounds rather like a whim. You seem to be assuming these platonic feelings are because of him whereas in fact I think it’s pretty natural in an LTR when you’re going through the daily grind that you don’t necessarily feel that romantic about each other. And those romantic feelings tend to come back more as the children get older and you have more time for each other. But you’ve not yet reached that phase because you’ve still got young children.

If he really is the good father and partner you say he is, then surely you owe it to him and your children, as well as yourself, to see if you can fix the relationship before ending it. Therapy sounds like a good idea. Perhaps also going back into paid employment at least part-time would help - if only because it will likely give you more adult company.

With you op.... don't even know where to start. The spark has gone and I don't like the lack of effort on his part...

Good luck

Thanks for all your responses, it's certainly made me think.

I'm 39 so definitely could be hormonal. I'm also approaching an anniversary of my mum passing away so it's always very very hard time of year emotionally. She was young l, so a lot of "life's too short thoughts appear". I have depression which is at its worse this time of year.

And I did have a career as a nurse but as my husband works long hours and they clashed with long hours of nursing I stopped so yeah I admit there's a degree of resentment there.
But his wages pay the bills whereas a nurses wage doesn't so it's the logical answer.

I don't feel that being a SAHM is a privilege when it means I'm financially dependent on him.

I do have an opportunity coming up to volunteer at our school so that I can go on to train as a teacher when my youngest starts school so something to look forward to for sure.

My husband is VERY sexual and I have literally no desire whatsoever but of course with 5 kids that's no surprise! But it is a big issue between us, probably the biggest one.

I get that long term relationships become mundane but I also don't know how I feel about just settling for that. Like I said, lots of "life's too short" thoughts at the moment.

I guess I'll just take it a day at a time and see if I can't turn things around

Is he pressurising you into sex?

I think you could benefit from your own counselling rather than marriage counselling to be honest. You sound confused. I’m also a bit confused as to why you’d feel resentful of not being a nurse and being a SAHM when you’ve got 5 kids. I’m sorry but it’s a bit strange. Most people don’t have 5 kids. You could have had one or two and been back to work as a nurse by now if that’s what was important to you. It’s obviously not or you wouldn’t have had 3 more!! I think you need to work out what’s really going on. If you’re bored with being a parent and need more then own that. Your youngest is now 3. Get childcare and go back to work. Millions do it. Why don’t you try doing something else and then see if your feelings towards your husband change. No point ending a perfectly good marriage until you’ve tried all the options

Is he a sex pest?

Because if he is, he is not a great husband and father.

Living with a sex pest WILL kill romantic feelings.

You need to be honest with yourself and him.

If he is pressurising you into sex, that is rape and a crime.

If the above is happening then ending the marriage is a good idea.

5 children is a lot of work, especially if he works long hours too.

You sound like there's a lot going on within you, so agree counselling would possibly benefit you to see how you are feeling about things.

I am also a health care professional who jacked in my career, well put it in hold, and now just do locum work, that locum work even if it's just 4 days a month saves my sanity, I could not be a SAHM. Is this part of the problem.

We also have a very unbalanced sex drive here with our youngest at 3, I am not really that interested mostly, we try to find a compromise but not always easy, how high is your DHs sex drive?