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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

marriage hanging by a thread

22 replies

eatingfortwo · 20/12/2007 23:07

Am sat at home alone as I have been most nights for months. Have DD 16 months and 6 months preg with no 2. DH been out at least 3 nights a week for weeks having drinks/dinner/skiing/watching football in a losely work context. Generally he's back late ie well after midnight and wakes me up, having trouble sleeping anyway. Feeling lonely, unloved and empty. He works long hours gen and never home to see DD mon to fri and has season ticket so out at football most sats 11 - 7 at least. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he is taking the pi**. Feel as though he could do more, or should want to do more. Am SAHM was in the same job as him before DD so i know what it is like. Feel as though i'm a single mum - am i moaning? He doesn't see a prob.

OP posts:

DogMa · 20/12/2007 23:14

You need to help him see the problem.

Yes, he's taking the piss.

Wake up and smell the coffee, get your act together and ball the bastard out for being such a selfish shit.

IMHO

Krimble · 20/12/2007 23:16

I know how you feel sweetie, everything is down to you, most of the time you are alone but he brings in the wage so some people wonder what you are complaining about.

I would say get christmas and all that out the way then have some serious talks about how you are feeling and how things are going.

BirdyArms · 20/12/2007 23:21

Poor you. I don't think that you are being unreasonable. My dh is similar though not quite as bad (he doesn't have a football season ticket but would like one). We had a huge argument last night - he had a work christmas lunch, said he's be in about 7, didn't get in 'til 12.30, didn't phone to let me know and that is not atypical. Ds2 is sleeping v badly at the moment, teething etc and he had promised that he would get up with him last night but once again was too pissed to do so.

I don't have any great advice or would be applying it myself. I went back to work when ds2 was 7 months and to be honest would have stayed at home but I knew that I couldn't cope with being home when dh is never ever there. It is very hard. I am not surprised you are fed up. Can you agree a time to talk about it with him, rather than shouting about it when you are feeling really p*ed off as I do?

Original poster

eatingfortwo · 20/12/2007 23:34

can top that last fri dh promised to be home not too pissed and not too late as I had a friend coming up from London we were meeting for lunch and friends round for dinner on the sat. He came home at 8am sat morning, i was worried sick half thinking he was on the piss and half thinking he might be dead somewhere. He felt like sh** all day and was no use with DD. This week he came back at 4am and dropped a bottle of whiskey on the door step and woke us all up.

i don't regret not going back to work but I do think he is using the fact he is now bringing in the money to justify everything. Am worried i'm just going to explode and scream at him as have tried to talk calmly about it twice and he agrees to be around more but nothing changes. Feel really pathetic writing this.

OP posts:

smartiejake · 20/12/2007 23:44

Sounds so like my situation I think we must be twins. My dh also spends most of his weekends on his pc and does literally nothing round the house (even to the point where he will not even open the dishwasher to put a cup in or the laaundry basket to put his clothes in.)
Recently he has been out 3 or 4 nights a week and the dds see nothing of him. When he is here he looks at me with disdain and doesn't talk to me.
Am at the point now where I feel that the dds would see more of him if he left as at least he would have to have them every other weekend. And I might have a life where I could go out occasionally with my friends.
Hugs to you {{{{{}}}}}

Original poster

eatingfortwo · 20/12/2007 23:57

I've been having that thought myself glad I'm not the only one. Would also get rid of the MIL which would be a bonus. I want to get him to see things from my pov though and not just give up on things or accept this. The worst thing is I want him to want to spend time with his daughter and me and not be here just because I have nagged him into submission. Just feel better knowing I'm not completely overreacting, I feel as though I'm losing my perspective.

OP posts:

TenLordsaLapin · 21/12/2007 10:53

God of course you are not over-reacting. He is just taking the piss! You need to get angry, he is being a crap husband and father. I appreciate he has long hours to work, and of course everyone needs a little wind-down time, but doesn't he want to see his child?

DogMa said everything I want to say, but more succinctly .

I would ask him why he cares more about his football than his wife and child for a start...

Hope things improve for you, EFT x

MascaraOHara · 21/12/2007 11:05

poor you.. my (now ex) was always out as well and coming in early hours of the morning.. I tried to talk to him many a time before I gave up and gave him his marching orders (there were other problems in my relationship though as well)

I think you need to decide what you want him to do firstly.. is it too be at home more or give you an equal freedom by compromising so you both get 1-2 nights a week out of the house (or doing what you want to do).. then you need to sit him down and have a serious talk, perhaps over dinner, about how you are feeling and why and what he could do to help.. then you need to see how that conversation goes, he either will be willing to compromise and you can move forward or he won't in which case you will need to assess your options - either decided you are ok with the situation or maybe get some counselling or a trial seperation..

Dropdeadfred · 21/12/2007 11:16

I just can't believe this happens...ffs just tell him to grow up. Is he a man or a boy?

And what the hell would he do if you NEEDED him in an emergency? He either wouldn't be there or would to be pissed to drive/help you with dc.

What a selfish, utterly childish twat.
Feel free to show him this.

He doesn't sound like a father and husband he sounds like your 17 yr old son!

Helennn · 21/12/2007 11:29

It seems when a woman has a baby and gives up work, (albeit temeporarily sometimes), the man seems to lose all respect for her and starts treating her as a complete doormat, responsible for all baby and house duties.

My dh was certainly like this with my first ds, (not half as bad as yours I'm pleased to say). I think you must have completely lost your sense of perspective if you are even questioning if you are being unreasonable - he does not deserve to have a wife and child!

Personally I would book some nights out and also a day doing something where you cannot take your toddler, give him plenty of notice so he cannot get out of it and tell him he is looking after his dd for the night/day. He would look very unreasonable to refuse and it would make him realise how lonely/hard work it can be looking after a child all day. Also don't forget to make sure he has to get babies clothes ready, make lunch etc. Do not do it all for him, that would be too easy!

Since I have done the above, (2 nights in a row once and he said how boring it was!!!) things have improved. I think a lot of men feel out of it when their partner has a baby, they don't know what to do so keep out of the way. Make him get involved, have some fun yourself and he may start treating you with a little respect.

DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus · 21/12/2007 11:35

It's a cliche, but you need to talk. He probably thinks you are having a lovely time at home with the baby - no deadlines, no boss, no office politics. You need to tell him that it ain't so.

And the season ticket is presumably only for home matches, yes? So that's only fortnightly, yes? It doesn't seem that unreasonable to me PROVIDED he is also prepared to take dd for a full afternoon the weekend his team are away from home.

I work and DH is a SAHD and believe me, the grass can seem a lot greener on the other side of the fence. You need to talk.

LazyLinePainterJane · 21/12/2007 12:34

I think that combined with his long hours and going out at night all the time, the football is a step too far. I think that it would be fair for him to drop most of the nights out and ALL of the ridiculously excessive drinking (which means he is useless the next day) in exchange for the football once a fortnight. In exchange, you should have Sunday to yourself and then the other weekend, you could do something as a family.

He is not supporting you as you need to be supported but I would suggest that the main issue is his drinking as it is not only the time he is out that he is absent for, but the recovery period as well.

for you.

margoandjerry · 21/12/2007 12:40

You poor thing. I have it soooo much easier than this and I am a WOHM without a partner so I get literally no time off but at least no bugger wakes me up in the middle of the night.

It's massively disrespectful. You are not moaning. You are right to be angry.

motherhurdicure · 21/12/2007 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curiouscat · 21/12/2007 12:58

I agree with Lazy the drink's a big problem. I used to dread Xmas when I was SAHM with my dh going out night after night boozing under the pretext of business. It made him lazy, clumsy, and selfish around the house and drove me mad.

Sadly it's in the culture and hard to avoid. Imo any other discussions you have about your life together will be pointless unless you can get him to drink less and understand how miserable it makes you.

My life improved hugely when I made a big deal out of it, told him he was becoming an alcoholic like the rest of his family and told him to go for liver tests. He never did, but it was a relief when it became his problem not my problem. Now he drinks less any other irritations I had have melted away.

Don't let him see you as a boring no-fun nagger - he's the one with a problem. Good luck.

lilmissmummy · 21/12/2007 13:09

You sound like you could do with some TLC- I am sorry that you are feeling like this- maybe you could get away, stay with a friend/parent/relative for a couple of days. To allow him to miss you!

To me it sounds like he is taking you for granted. Take some time out for you then come back and talk things through, when you have had a chance to get things straight in your mind.

Good luck

Original poster

eatingfortwo · 22/12/2007 14:04

Thank you all. Its lovely to know that there are people out there who will listen and try and help. I am going to sit down with him and explain what the problem is hopefully without seeming a nag. I think a lot of it is that he takes me and everything for granted now that I'm not working. I'm also going to go and see a friend in London in January on my own, not told him yet. He's not had dd for a weekend before so will be an eye opener no doubt.

OP posts:

dandycandyjellybean · 23/12/2007 14:14

Try writing how you feel in a letter. I do this for my dh, as he is useless at talking about stuff, just sits there and then I either talk too much or end up going round in circles and getting mad coz I'm not getting the response I want. The benefit of putting it on paper is that you can stay calm and reasonable, state the facts without there being any 'nagging tone of voice'. You can also delete and rewrite anything you wish you hadn't said. Plus, I give it to him at a time when I'm going out for a bit or whatever, to give him time to have his reaction in private, calm down a bit and think about what I'm saying. I think there is something about seeing their behaviour laid out in black and white too that seems to have an affect. All I can say is that this approach has worked pretty well for me. hth.

dandycandyjellybean · 24/12/2007 08:36

How are things eatingfortwo?

Original poster

eatingfortwo · 24/12/2007 14:54

might give the letter a go as talking to him doesn't seem to be making much of a dent. I'm just fed up of it all now. I feel like i'm always the one trying to fix things and he doesn't notice or give a damn. Want to make sure dd doesn't know anything about it though as she deserves the best.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 24/12/2007 15:49

letter? talk? I think you need to RANT, scream, throw china, and when he runs away get the locksmith in and change the locks. then maybe he will 'listen'.

He's not deaf or blind - he has heard what you say and can see that you are working your fingers to the bone. But there don't seem to be any consequences for his outrageous p*taking of you. Why would he stop? he's happy with the way things are.

In a way, you are letting your DD hold you hostage - assuming that keeping things 'nice' between the two of you is the best thing for her. But do you want her growing up thinking that men are lazy pigs? or that she has to put up with living with a selfish git? or that you are a doormat?

Take it from me - I used to be a super-doormat. Everyone will benefit if you stand up for your rights. Even him - doing his bit will make him a nicer person and stop him becoming a hateful selfish alcoholic.

Having this kind of standoff is a bit like childbirth - painful at the time but over relatively quickly and well well well worth the effort.

pixiepip · 24/12/2007 17:04

Sounds like you both need to acknowledge things a bit. You sound as if you are under his thumb, if you daren't tell him you have a weekend away planned, and maybe it would help if you got some interests yourself, instead of sitting at home every night? I know that might be hard if you are pregnant, but why not arrange things for yourself and tell him it's his turn to babysit and be back from work at a decent time, at least 2 nights a week?

He's behaving like a single man- but quite honestly, you're letting him- and you need to think about yourself too - is something going wrong at a deeper level?

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