Pregnant again, but I know my marriage won't last

[Thellis]

I have a 3 year old with my husband, and we are ticking along well but I think deep down we know the marriage isn't what it should be. There is comfort and friendship, but there isn't really much in terms of love and connection. We feel more friends, if I'm honest. I had resided to staying with him whilst our child was young and wasn't in a rush to leave, but ultimately knew this marriage probably wasn't going to last forever. Broodiness kicked in when our child was around 2, and we have been 'trying' ever since but probably only had sex around 5 times in that year but by some miracle it happened and I'm now 8 weeks pregnant.

Suddenly I feel really scared, like I've not been fair on my husband or my child and future child? My husband knows that things aren't ideal between us, there isn't any cuddling or kissing for example (neither of us instigate) and sex is a rarity and more functional than enjoyable. I'm not sure if he feels the same that we will end it one day or if he's happy making do forever, though. I do want two kids, and he's a good father and when I leave I'm not necessarily in a rush to be with anyone else so I think in my head I justified it, but now I'm wondering. Should I not be having this baby?

I'm not against abortion, but it would be sad as I did really plan for this baby and would love my child to have a sibling. I am beginning to worry that it's the right thing to do here though, rather than willingly putting another child through an inevitable broken home? I feel like I've really messed up.

It really bothers me that these days everyone is so quick to throw the towel in on their relationships. So you have no love or connection but you do have comfort and friendship. Is that not something of value to be built upon? You have a young family and for many couples, us included, our love and connection has been put on the backburner almost due to our focus on our kids. Young kiddies bring added stress and pressure, it's really any wonder that people go on to have a 2nd, 3rd and more kids as they completely turn your life upside down and it sometimes takes quite a while for all the cards to re-settle. That's what happened to us. We're still working on things and our children are still young (3 and 5) but now we are making some time for us, our connection is re-establishing itself and with it our feelings for each other. I think friendship is the basis for any romantic relationship so you have a great base to work from. You must have felt some connection to your DH at some point or are you saying it was purely a marriage of convenience? Rather than focus on what you don't have at the moment, you need to focus on what you do have and grow that. Long and strong marriages are created from working through the tough times. Ask any elderly couple, they will tell you that. In respect of your unborn child, could you live with yourself if you terminated its life? It sounds as thought he/she is very much wanted. I feel very sad for your situation but i do think you have some hope. Good luck with it all and don't give up if you feel there is something there to build upon.

A child's home is only broken if it's a dysfunctional unhealthy environment.

The number of parents living in that home doesn't influence whether it's "broken" or not.

How did you both feel about having your first child together? Did you feel a loving romantic connection to the idea of having a baby together? If you did then that might come back during this pregnancy.
Do you want to feel love and connection to your husband again? Or not?

This is the rare kind of situation where couples therapy really could make a big difference. It can help the two of you to actually communicate your feelings and needs in a way that might help you rediscover your connection - but even if it doesn't, will make for a much healthier split and future co-parenting relationship.

Give it a hard go to re-connect.
All parents go through this. Children take centre stage for a long time, individuals get lost in this parenting, and exhaustion swirl.
But you have the basis to build upon. Give him a cuddle, a kiss. Take that step, and he will take another step, and you will be closer and closer each day.
Do not give up!

We obviously did have a more intimate side to our relationship at the beginning but it was a long while ago and I think we've just gradually distanced more and more. I was very young and am definitely not the same person I was back then, and although we still get on I struggle to see us getting back to what we were. Stranger things have happened I guess and I have no plans to leave any time soon it's more just this feeling that we will part ways eventually? I guess all I can do is work on it or as you say atleast minimise the fall out it does happen.

I think being good friends and having a good team while raising a child is a lot. So many families don’t have that.
Not knowing if you will make it in the long term as a couple - is not strange. Half of marriages end up not making it. Yours is no different.
In your place - I’d have the second child, and focus on giving them a good childhood.
By re sound of it you are still quite young, so you have enough time to wait for the kids to grow up a bit.
And then you can take stock of your relationship and decide what you do.

If you have the baby and your marriage does fail then at least your children will always have each other. No matter what might happen later with step parents or step and half sibling etc there will be 2 of them together with the same set of family circumstances and not just one child on their own trying to navigate having a split family.

I guess it depends how much your DH knows about how you feel? My friend and her husband decided they'd likely separate but went on to have a baby while doing marriage counseling but they'd both decided they wanted a second even if the relationship was ending and it made more sense to have a pair of them. They coparent ridiculously well and are good friends even with their new partners now. But that was an educated decision they made together, he wasn't unaware the entire time.

I was in a similar position- knew my marriage wouldn't last but was desperate for a sibling for my dd. (I didn't know he was having an affair though).

Had her brother but the irony is they are such opposite characters, have nothing in common and don't get on in the slightest

I would say if you like him as a person then it's worth trying counselling.. you will always be able to tell yourself that you tried your best for your kids then.

I was in your place. My relationship wasn’t great even before my first baby. But I wanted to have my kids and stuck with it.
With time it became more obvious that it won’t last.
But I managed to keep it going as long as it was possible.

We are now divorced. I have no regrets as my kids are my life. And they will have each other after I am gone.

@Jsku

I was in your place. My relationship wasn’t great even before my first baby. But I wanted to have my kids and stuck with it. With time it became more obvious that it won’t last. But I managed to keep it going as long as it was possible.

We are now divorced. I have no regrets as my kids are my life. And they will have each other after I am gone.

You have no regrets but I wonder how your husband feels about being used and discarded by a woman who never loved him just because she wanted babies.

@gannett

My exH’s first W left him because of the way he treated her. With us - it seemed that we started on a different footing and it was all OK. Until we had a child and he started changing. He knew for years how unhappy it made me. But I kept my head down and focused on the kids.
And I still would not have left, had he not started messing about with some parts of our life that was putting a lot at risk.

When I married him - I had a full intention of building a real life long partnership. But didn’t work out that way.
Many relationships don’t. Possibly because sometimes people just don’t work well together.

So I don’t know what he feels. I just wish his next relationship doesn’t follow the same pattern.