Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse or not abuse?!

14 replies

laurenlouisexodarcie · 27/12/2021 18:13

I'm a new mommy to be 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl, I haven't had the best of life's within my childhood being in care not having any family feeling so isolated and suffering with depression since I was 11 after my dad passed away back in 2011. My current partner is always saying I'm the reason his being pushed away telling me I'm controlling selfish etc etc bearing in mind he has an addiction for cocaine and alcohol and says it's his way if coping and forgetting about things that's troubling him I admit I am always on at him i constantly tell him that the people his hanging around with are bad influences because they encourage him to drink and waste money on drink and drugs and that it's ruining his life I honestly want what's best for him because I know his worth so much more and can do so much more with his life than this but I'm constantly made out by him that I'm telling him what he can and can't do I've also fell out with his family because I expressed my feelings about the way he is I feel all alone I don't have anyone at all I can't chat too I just want us to be a happy little family but sometimes it feels like I have to make myself feel guilty and blame myself for what his being pushed away is it me that doing it is it my fault so I really need help am I crazy or am I just being emotionally abused by someone that can't accept their in the wrong

OP posts:
hazelgrey · 27/12/2021 18:49

Oh Lauren
I'd so love to give you a big hug right now
You are pregnant so number one is that you and your baby are ok

You are unfortunately in a relationship with someone who prioritises alcohol and drugs over you and the baby
That will not change unless he wants it to , you going on at home , trying to encourage him into a better lifestyle , falling out with friends and family will not help you
Only he can make that choice and make things right

You can be a happy family just you and your baby , lots of happy single parents - it's not such a bad life - you know how much money you have , what your commitments are , you set your routine , you don't have anyone else's drama / bad behaviour or chaotic lifestyle to manage

Please consider how you can start again without him , can you leave ? Would he leave ? Do you have friends that can support you ? Are you safe ? Would you consider some of the agencies out there ? Like womens aid ?

If and when he can prove to you that he is off drugs and capable of being a good partner and father , you can decide if he deserves that chance

Please take care of you x

Original poster
laurenlouisexodarcie · 27/12/2021 19:21

I believe I can be a good mom to my baby but I just struggle to let go of someone that is potentially never going to change he is such a nice person when his not around that lifestyle but when he is he can be very horrible towards me and make me believe I'm the problem I'm the reason he does what he does I suffer with depression and anxiety so I really believe I'm am to blame constantly apologising for things that aren't my fault his made his family believe I'm this horrible person that I'm making him the way he is which isn't true at all I'm just so worried about what my future holds will I be forced to leave him and focus on just me and my baby or will he realise it's not me at all I'm constantly going to work to keep a roof over my head while his jobless and today he come out with that I need to go out a get food and tobacco for him and he dosnt care how I get the money this really upsets me that I'm treated and spoken to like I'm worthless

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1990 · 27/12/2021 19:26

@laurenlouisexodarcie

I'm a new mommy to be 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl, I haven't had the best of life's within my childhood being in care not having any family feeling so isolated and suffering with depression since I was 11 after my dad passed away back in 2011. My current partner is always saying I'm the reason his being pushed away telling me I'm controlling selfish etc etc bearing in mind he has an addiction for cocaine and alcohol and says it's his way if coping and forgetting about things that's troubling him I admit I am always on at him i constantly tell him that the people his hanging around with are bad influences because they encourage him to drink and waste money on drink and drugs and that it's ruining his life I honestly want what's best for him because I know his worth so much more and can do so much more with his life than this but I'm constantly made out by him that I'm telling him what he can and can't do I've also fell out with his family because I expressed my feelings about the way he is I feel all alone I don't have anyone at all I can't chat too I just want us to be a happy little family but sometimes it feels like I have to make myself feel guilty and blame myself for what his being pushed away is it me that doing it is it my fault so I really need help am I crazy or am I just being emotionally abused by someone that can't accept their in the wrong
Congratulations on your wonderful news, in regards to your partner I do not have any idea to start. My own friend had a similar issue, not as severe as he dealt instead of taking. The issue would be social services becoming involved etc because they would say the baby isn't in a safe environment. So tricky, I hope you figure either a way out for you both or he gets clean
Embracelife · 27/12/2021 19:27

he has an addiction for cocaine and alcohol

Why would you want this around your babies?
Leave now

Embracelife · 27/12/2021 19:29

Talk to your midwife znd h v to geg support to leave him
He either will choose to get clean or he won't
It is up to him
You will have two dc
You simply cannot also look after an addicted adult

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2021 19:32

He’s abusing you
Please tell your midwife
You must put your baby first

Begrateful · 27/12/2021 21:32

This sounds awful! He is a "user" and you're being taken "advantage" of by him.

Wolfiefan · 27/12/2021 21:34

You need to keep your baby safe. And away from the drugs and alcohol use.
You can’t change him. You can only control your behaviour. Sorry OP.

cherryonthecakes · 27/12/2021 22:45

Oh Lauren Sad
He's an addict - you and your little girl will never measure up to cocaine and alcohol in his eyes.

A small proportion of addicts decide to change their ways but this man may never be one of those.

You need to realise that living with an addict will never mean a happy family. She will be better off living with just you- that way you can protect her more easily from his addiction.

Funnylittlefloozie · 27/12/2021 22:51

What did he mean, he didn't care how you get the money? Has he pimped you out in the past?

Sweetheart, you don't need this man in your life. He's never going to be the good caring man you wish he was. Worse, he will stop you being the best happiest mum to your little girl.

You are a strong person, even if you don't think you are. You can go it alone, and you can do it brilliantly.

Original poster
laurenlouisexodarcie · 27/12/2021 23:08

@Funnylittlefloozie

What did he mean, he didn't care how you get the money? Has he pimped you out in the past?

Sweetheart, you don't need this man in your life. He's never going to be the good caring man you wish he was. Worse, he will stop you being the best happiest mum to your little girl.

You are a strong person, even if you don't think you are. You can go it alone, and you can do it brilliantly.

His never pimped me out I'd never lower myself to be someone like that but the way his said that it's like he wants me too I think maybe it's fine to let him go because deep down myself I know he won't change and it's not fair on my little girl
OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/12/2021 23:45

Why is he jobless, is he at least looking for work.

ACCx · 27/12/2021 23:57

Aw this is sad. I’d say leave! If he gets clean and is willing to do better for you and your baby then great, if not then lucky escape! Do you live together? Who’s house is it? Could you tell him to leave or would you need to? Xx

cherryonthecakes · 28/12/2021 00:00

Your life will be so much happier if you leave. He's a drain on you mentally, emotionally and financially. Why would he change when he can get money from his enablers ?

It will be easier to leave now than later. Please speak to your midwife for support. She will help you keep your baby safe.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread