Am I doing the right thing by my DD?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I think the only way to explain this is to try and give a bit of background info.

I met my ex 8 years ago online. We dated for about 4 months, well really liked one another but there was one big problem. He had plans to leave the country and move to oz. But we liked each other so much we tried to see if there was a future so continued dating. I then fell pregnant, it was unplanned and he bolted. When I was 8 months pregnant he sent me an email telling me he was leaving and that he didn’t want any contact with me or his child. So I left it.

Three years later I had to contact him to get some medical info as my daughter had a heart murmur. He asked for more info and said he would like to be in his daughters life. We took it very slowly with emails which then became FaceTime calls and eventually him meeting his daughter.

Then when our daughter was 6 he returned to the UK (the start of this year) we tried to make it work as a family. But it all ended up in a mess again, with him just saying he hates living in the UK and that this life isn’t really for him. I was so angry with him, but I’m glad we gave it a chance. We had so many what if’s I couldn’t truly move on until I could so if it worked.

So we then started co-parenting which worked nicely. I allowed him scheduled visits with his daughter every 3 weeks, and offered him weekly FaceTime calls which he said he couldn’t commit to and changed to fortnightly…🤷‍♀️all communication was over email and strictly logistical.

A couple of weeks ago he took my daughter put for an afternoon. When he returned I invited him in my house (the first time since we broke up) and we had a cup of tea. I thought it would be nice to try and be amicable especially in the spirit of Christmas. Our dd was so excited to be able to have her dad back in our house.

He asked me what we were doing for Xmas, it was all polite chit chat. It was a bit of an awkward conversation, and I was just trying to make it as light as possible. So I showed him a photo of me and my daughter with Santa. I told him there was a funny story behind it, that I had only had 3 and a half hours sleep as I had been out the night before for a friends birthday. My daughter always stays at my parents house which he knows. So she was completely safe.

When my daughter was younger I’d go out maybe 3-4 times a year, now she’s older I try and meet friends once a month. I have such a good time, and I’m a better parent for it!

When my ex left our house, I got an email from his dad who I was fairly friendly with asking if he could have a phone call with me.

So a week before Christmas I spoke with his dad (who is a trained psychologist) who asked me how I was and how I’m coping after our break up. Basically he said that the break up has affected me and will now affect my ability to parent my daughter and that I should get therapy. I was livid!

My ex has really bad mental health problems which I suspect have been caused by over protective parents. So I couldn’t believe he was suggesting that I was the one with issues.

I’m pretty sure my ex called his dad up and told him that I’m an unfit mother which sparked this whole thing up.

When I confronted my ex he completely deflected all blame to me.

So I have now lost all faith and trust in this situation. I have tried to be amicable and do the best for my dd. But I feel to protect the mental health of my daughter and myself I need to reduce the time he sees her to every three months. I’m hugely concerned my ex and his family will fill my daughter with all kids of weird non-sense. I just see no benefit to this anymore, especially more than likely in two years time he will head back to oz.

Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

Yes.
I’d also question how qualified his father is.

You have had multiple threads about this man and they pretty much all end up wondering why you are bothering with him. This will end the same.

I think his father is probably the biggest issue here, in fact frighteningly so. The influence he has here is what causes me the greatest concern.

I've seen how his son has turned out, he has terrible anxiety and depression. I don't want a messed up child. So far, my dd is a happy, positive and confident little girl - I don't want this changed.

I'm torn between ensuring she has a relationship with her father but also protecting her. I feel the current situation we have of every 3 weeks so too much contact.

I don't actually even know how go about saying this to him without him turning this around to being my fault.

I would simply not bother at all tbh.
He is unreliable and this will effect your DD.
As for his father, I would ignore his comments completely.

Hmmm. I see how his dad stepped over the line, however I’m not sure that one comment from her grandad should mean that you restrict when she can see her dad?

Unless it turns into a pattern - this so far is a one off, potentially well intended but poorly executed conversation.

No matter how offended you are (and I’m sure quite rightly!), I do think you should take a deep breath and just take each week as it comes.

A suggestion that it’s a good idea to seek therapy isn’t in itself offensive, and honestly the world would be a better place if we all got therapy! I can see why you feel defensive but I’m not sure that you should take any action on this feeling.

Don’t get goaded into reacting badly, rise above and say thanks for the advice but you are in a great place.

If it’s a concerning pattern then you can reassess then but from an outsiders perspective it doesn’t seem like they’re filling your daughters head with anything or that there is a risk to your daughter!

I've had therapy and not ashamed to admit it. I told my ex when I first fell pregnant that I had counselling for a year after my dd was born. Mainly for emotional support. It was great! I know when I need therapy, like you said the world would be a better place if people sought help!

However I'm just enjoying life now, it felt like a relief that this was all over and I was just moving on. I think this is what mainly is the problem. My ex's life is miserable, he hasn't got a lot of friends over here and he is studying at the moment so has little money to do fun things. So he is taking out his frustration on me.

I think you’re totally right that he’s not adding much positivity to your life! But as you say, he’s moving back to Oz soon anyway - maybe you just let things naturally wane. Probably less of a headache than putting new rules in place etc?

This is all a bit odd.

If his father is a psychologist, it would be extremely unethical for him to be dispensing advice to someone who isn’t his patient, and moreover, has been in a relationship with his son, unasked.

I suspect whichever body he’s registered with would take a dim view- and he would surely know that? I’m also surprised you accepted being connected with his father, given how little of an ACTUAL relationship you have with your daughters father, let alone her grandfather?

What are you worried about here? His fathers opinion? That this is a prelude to a custody attempt? Or something else? I don’t really know why you’d CARE unless you suspected ulterior motives eg around custody or access?

Well I'm not worried about custody issues. Because he hasn't got a leg to stand on his in this area.

But I am concerned about the influence my ex could have in the two years he will be here. I'm not talking this his dad anymore.

I'm concerned about the stress he is having on my life, al he brings is negativity to my life which is difficult. And I'm also concerned about how this will eventually affect my dd when he does go back to oz.

So my thinking is it's better to just reduce the visits to just quarterly to hopefully lesson any abandonment issues my dd will have when he leaves. And to reduce all the drama my ex brings with him?

Surely this is moving onto the realms of professional misconduct? How dare he "diagnose" your issues based on a conversation with is son? I would be telling them both to back off or else you will be complaining to the relevant authorities. If he rings you again, record the convo

A qualified psychologist wouldn't do this. It is unethical. He certainly shouldn't be making assumptions about your mental health based on a (biased, self interested) conversation with his son. If he is, then he is widely overstepping the mark and you should breezily say, 'Thank you for your concern. I'm not one of your clients so the matter is closed'. I would also limit engagement to texts or emails about operational matters only - pick up, drop off etc., avoid friendly conversations, and get a rota in place. You might also want to mention to him that his father spoke to you about your mental health. Given that you don't meet or talk to his father you found it inappropriate and could you would like to receive assurance that it wouldn't happen again.

I don’t know of his dad is a qualified psychologist, but I’m sure he had no clue about what he was talking about.

There is no way he can say whether the break up affected you or affected your dd or the way you parent her wo talking to her or you. At length.

I’d even say that actually he is in breech on his own code of practice.

I don’t think that seeing him less now will lessen any abandonment feelings your dd might have.

But I’d be very careful to keep all contact minimal and practical. I wouldn’t tell him anything about your life and basically keeping him at arms length.

Hi Sarah, I've done/said all of what you suggested already.

We currently have a rota in place, but I'm not pleased with it based on what has happened. I just don't trust my ex or his family.

My ex's dad is now 77 and retired, however he can t seem to stop trying to be therapist. It's not the first time he has tried to give me me words of advice. I once cooked a home made lasagne for him and my dd, my dd is very fussy with vegetables but I always try to get her eat at least a few mouthfuls. He said if I force my daughter to eat her vegetables she will end up with an eating disorder. I was speechless already then, but just tried ignoring it and moved on with the conversation.

Lost of ideas that's precisely what I plan on doing. There will be no more conversations on pick ups or inviting him in.

@Cherryblossom200, I’d say your ex dad has some very outdated ideas on what is or isn’t ok to do parenting wise.

Best stepping away from him too!!

I've told my ex I don't want to speak to his dad again, the only time we are to speak is when he sees his granddaughter which is around twice a year.

But I'm still unsure what to do with her actual dad. I really thought that things were going well, and that we could at least be amicable. But this has thrown me and I'm just waiting for the next thing for him to do. I'd prefer to just reduce the visits so I don't have to see him. Because ultimately it will affect my ability to parent if I'm stressed out by him.

You need to separate the two.

He isn't your friend. He is your ex. You only discuss your Dd .. your life is your life.

Your Dd possibly will be abandoned by him again in a couple of years. I think you have to let that take its course. He hasn't done anything at this point to warrant restricting contact

You sound like such a brilliant parent and human. Please don't let this Wally upset you. Trust your own instincts.

Thanks, but he's made me feel like I'm not allowed a life away from my DD. Yet he is always out, that's what makes me so angry. He drinks everyday! It seems so rich coming from someone so irresponsible.

We had a FaceTime call which he requested this morning which he missed. Also the call he requested on Xmas day only went ahead because I kept calling him, otherwise he would have slept through it.

I think I now have enough reason to change his visitations to every three months. It's just too much now.

Do not take uninvited advice from someone who's own son felt they had to move to the other side of the planet.

This man sounds very controlling I wonder why he considers his opinion on something he knows so very little about so important.

It is unethical for a councillor to give unsolicited advice especially when they know nothing about all other aspects of your life and he obviously has a conflict of interests. Tell him to back away and not to concern himself with you.

They best advice I was ever given was to be selective of the people you take advice from

Ex wasn’t there for the first few months by choice and is barely there now, I really wouldn’t give any weight to his parenting advice.

Ex’s dad is barely there, and raised your ex, so again, I wouldn’t worry too much about what he says.

You need to protect yourself as much as you can and your custody of DD. Provide DD with a loving and supportive home so she is more resilient when he eventually leaves again.

I do think you’re getting caught up with the dad which is a bit of a red herring. He isn’t the biggest issue here. His opinion would be irrelevant if you’re ex wasn’t an idiot. Therefore the ex is the issue.
The dad sees your dd twice a year, this isn’t a worry.

Sorry, I mean her dad left her down today with a FaceTime call he requested, not her grandad. And it was her dad I had to wake up on Xmas day to speak to his daughter because he was asleep. Had I not called he would have totally missed the call completely.

He also cancelled his meeting with his daughter two days before Xmas with new explanation. When I told him he had to explain to his daughter his reason for not taking her our, he kicked up a fuss and eventually said he had covid. Yet two days later he managed to get up north to see his family for Xmas.

So the whole thing is feeling a mess, not just the situation with my ex's dad. Her actually dad is becoming useless

Hi everyone,

The latest development is my ex sent me an email today.

He basically laid our his terms, changing him now seeing our DD every three weeks to mo they and now he said that he will be stopping the money he gives me every month (hardly anything) and put it into a saving account for our daughter when she turns 18. He only paid a little bit of money for a year to me.

I'm not happy with this at all, my daughter needs the money now, not when she is 18.

The fact he feels he has the right to tell me his terms is outrageous considering what he has done.

I feel like saying if he doesn't pay up he simply won't see our daughter anymore.