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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic Violence - should I/could I try to help?

24 replies

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 13:41

Difficult situation, ex is in a relationship with a man and is beating him very badly, regularly. Ex has been in prison this year due to violence against him.

Ex and I have a child together (no contact). I have informed police of their relationship a while back with photographic evidence of injuries sustained during one incident (photos public on social media) and the police logged it and said any further reports of violence would be classed as DV now they have knowledge of the relationship.

I am terrified that he is going to end up killing this man (he's very vulnerable). I have spoken with the boyfriend once and know how broken he is, I think he is too terrified and broken to leave. I can't contact this man further as it will place me at risk, we only had contact by a chance meeting.

Is there anything that can be done to protect him? I know neighbours have phoned the police on several occasions but next time it might be too late. I have further evidence of him being beaten up recently, Should I inform police? I am terrified for this man.

Also I know many people might think this is none of my business and I shouldn't get involved, I do see that point and perhaps you're right. I don't want to get overly invested/involved because I can't mentally give it too much head space, nor can I risk becoming a target myself. At the same time if there is something I can do anonymously to help then surely I should?

OP posts:

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 27/12/2021 13:48

Of course you must call the police!

KirstenBlest · 27/12/2021 13:49

Crimestoppers?

Thelnebriati · 27/12/2021 13:50

Only do it if you can guarantee you wouldn't become a target yourself.

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 13:50

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Of course you must call the police!

Will the police take action even if the victim doesn't want to press charges? Do you think I risk escalating things if I do go to the police?

Sorry I'm so worried about making things worse, although in honesty I don't think they can get worse than they are right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 13:54

@Thelnebriati

Only do it if you can guarantee you wouldn't become a target yourself.

This is part of the problem. I already gave a statement against him in January this year relating to a different crime (long story but it involved children so I felt I had no choice despite the risk) and for months afterwards I lived in fear. He has form for abuse against children. animals, arson, burglary etc ... he's extremely dangerous, hence for very real concern he will end up killing his partner, but also my concern about getting involved

OP posts:

JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 13:55

Please phone the police and talk to them. They can advise you on what to do. They can also record that a call has been made. Please help this man, he is probably desperate for an intervention - I have been there and been desperate for help and when it arrived I was free of the abusive bastard.

wizzywig · 27/12/2021 13:55

So he is an abuser who is now being abused?

JackTheHack · 27/12/2021 13:56

Whose house do they live in?

Thelnebriati · 27/12/2021 13:56

Keep reminding yourself that you aren't responsible for his awful behaviour or for stopping him, the police are. You don't have their resources, and you have a child to take care of. The neighbours are in a better position to report whats happening in real time. You've done what you can.

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 14:07

@wizzywig No, sorry if my post was confusing. My ex is the abusive one, his new partner is the victim.

@JackTheHack They don't live together but my ex lives opposite his on/off boyfriend and can see when he is home, going out etc which makes boyfriend feel unsafe. Ex will often just go over there and kick off, smash the place up, beat him up etc (drugs/drink involved).

I think I will relay my concerns to the police just so they have another record of it, but would my name be linked to my reporting of it? Is there anything the police can do or do they have to just let them get on with it?

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 27/12/2021 14:22

@ElEmEnOhPee, the police won't treat it as DV/DA as they don't cohabit. It would probably be classed as Common Assault

If you phone Crimestoppers it's anonymous

Georgeskitchen · 27/12/2021 14:30

You have already informed the police and I'm not sure there is much else you can do. It's a bad situation but the victim really needs to take the necessary action themselves. Sounds harsh but it's not your responsibility to intervene any further without putting yourself and DC in danger x

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 14:46

I've just phoned 101 for advice and because I stated that I believed an incident had occurred recently they said they needed to take a report. They assured me that due to data protection my name wouldn't be give out in relation to it but they would send an officer round just to check on him. The call cut out at the end so I don't know if they'll phone back but they've sent a ref number via text and asked that I report any further incidents I become aware of. Now I feel sick and desperately hoping I haven't made things worse. Ridiculously also feeling like an interfering busybody.

OP posts:

CagneyNYPD1 · 27/12/2021 14:49

You did the right thing.

JudyGemstone · 27/12/2021 14:50

“ Will the police take action even if the victim doesn't want to press charges?”

Yes they can do something called an ‘evidence led prosecution’ but generally only if there are other witnesses eg police officers at the scene.

JudyGemstone · 27/12/2021 14:52

If the boyfriend has capacity to make informed choices and nothing to classify him as a ‘vulnerable adult’ or whatever thats called these days then he is considered to have the right to choose to stay in this relationship knowing that it is harmful to him.

I’m not sure how much you can do if he’s not willing to seek help.

MalbecandToast · 27/12/2021 15:13

Contacting the police was the best thing you could do for him OP, well done. What an awful position to be in

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 16:02

Thank you everyone.

@JudyGemstone to me he's what I would class as a vulnerable person, not just due to the abuse but I think there is an alcohol dependency, no family around him etc - from speaking with him possibly low IQ but that could have been more to do with the drink than anything else. I don't think he would meet official definitions of a vulnerable adult though sadly.

OP posts:

MalbecandToast · 27/12/2021 16:11

@ElEmEnOhPee if he is alcohol dependent he would definitely be considered a vulnerable adult

Suzanne999 · 27/12/2021 16:26

You’ve done the right thing in reporting to the police.
No, they cannot give your details to anyone. Your ex is more likely to think neighbours reported him.
Am I right in that you have your child and ex has no contact?
IF you ever feel you are vulnerable to interference / attack / abuse by your ex you can also contact the police for an alarm to use at home, and they will also advise on additional locks.
Fingers crossed the police can take action against your ex.

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 17:15

@MalbecandToast Thank you, that's good to know.

@Suzanne999 Yes we have a child together and he has no contact. I've not long moved but in my previous address we had various things fitted like anti-arson bag on the back of our letterbox, extra alarms and like a bar that we lodged against the doors to stop him gaining entry. I might see if I can get some extra security put in our new place just as a precaution but hopefully it won't be needed.

OP posts:

Suzanne999 · 27/12/2021 17:51

That’s good news that you know all about the anti arson device, alarms etc… I think it’s a good idea to have e tea security, if just for your peace of mind.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2021 18:01

Your ex could have been subject to Probation, depending upon the proportion of his sentence he served in custody.

Reports like this could result in him quite rightly being returned to prison - and if he isn't on Probation, there's at least a chance of them responding to a neighbour's call quickly or, in the worst case, knowing exactly who to look for.

Original poster

ElEmEnOhPee · 27/12/2021 18:13

@NeverDropYourMooncup he's definitely on probation, possibly even a restraining order in place. He never attends probation and is frequently hauled back to court in regards to that and previously for not attending a relationship programme he was meant to do due to abuse in a previous relationship.

Nothing much seems to happen though, extra fines/community service (that he never pays/does), then another couple of weeks in prison. The damage he has done, physically and emotionally, to so many people is astonishing yet time and time again he gets away with pathetic sentences or minimal repercussions.

I'm so fearful that by the time it's taken with the seriousness needed that it will be too late, even his own family feel he will end up killing someone at some point. He saw a psychiatrist briefly who was so concerned about him that even she went to the police.

OP posts:

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