I am out of ideas. What do I do?

[sadfrustratedtired]

Hello

So, my partner of 7 years had a stroke about 6 months ago. He is young (early 30s). It was a horrific, worrying and awful time. He has come through it and is back home. The stroke affected the left side of his body. He currently walks with a stick and has very limited use of his left hand.

I have been there and done everything for him. I have young children. I am working full time in a very stressful job, and I do all the cleaning/cooking etc.

He is on sick from work, they are meant to be sorting out some work he can do at home; but he has been really rubbish at replying to emails/calls to sort this out (he currently only gets SSP, so all the bills etc fall to me).

So, to the main issue. He has physio who come once a week, they gave him exercises to do at home; which he is meant to do several times a day. The main ones are to do exercises to help his hand (he has movement; but needs to improve strength and dexterity). The problem is, he just doesn't take it seriously. He has gonna weeks without doing any at all. He has not done any the last few days as "it's Christmas". His physio has told me that if he had been doing his physio religiously, he would be almost fully recovered by now. But he isn't. I have tried speaking to him about it many times: I have been blunt and said that I do not need another child, and that I just don't understand how he does not want to do anything he can to get better! He makes an effort for a few days, but then it drops off again. If he does not take it seriously soon, he will not be able to make a full recovery, and I think it would also be the end of our relationship as I would not be able to get over the fact that he has "chosen" this.

He is absolutely depressed and is waiting to speak to a counsellor, but he has refused any medication offered.

I am not sure what I am asking. I am just on the verge of giving up asking him several times; every day, if he has done his physio, only to be told no. Why am I fighting to get him better if he isn't bothered? He constantly makes comments or jokes about being disabled. It's almost like he doesn't mind it, because he can have stuff done for him and doesn't have to work. But this is not the life I want, and I am not prepared to live like this.

I want to make it clear, that if he was doing everything he could to get better and he was unable to, I would be happy to care for him. But this is not what is happening. And I just cannot get my head around it!

Does anyone have any advice or anything they can offer? As I just don't know what else to do!

Thank you

My husband had a stroke and I found the stroke co-ordinator (contacted through the stroke association or local stroke ward) were very helpful both for myself and my husband. What the hospital often fail to tell relatives is that a stroke affects not only the body but also the mind and personality of the person and I found it was like living with a teenager, one part of the brain that is often affected is the part that governs patience so they want almost instant results from their physio etc and when that doesn't happen don't see the point in doing them as nothing changes, this isn't laziness or acceptance just can't see any change. My husband said after a few years my brain doesn't work like it used it and it took him a long long time to come to that conclusion. Stroke is a very difficult thing as it's one of the few conditions that affect every part of someone's life and is different for every single person. Hang on in there and things will get better you should also apply for PIP which will help with the financial situation and possibly something called direct payments so your husband can employ someone to help him with things inc a cleaner or driver. We applied for PIP and despite the horror stories found them really helpful contact your local CAB office for help with it. Hope some of this helps and gives you a bit of reassurance and hope.

It’s hard to know whether this is depression or as PP says above it’s a personality change. Stroke co-ordinator above sounds like a great idea, and also wonder if stroke association could help advise, and also help you communicate with him.

You cannot go on without help, so hopefully the resources the PP mentions above will be available to you.

Are his parents helping in anyway? Or can you get them to?

I was the child (many, many moons ago) whose Dad had a stroke when he was 28. He utterly resented physio and avoided it, which led to the physical effects becoming permanent. This left him feeling very bitter and 'less of a man' and he was very closed-off and angry. The effect on me as a child was pretty huge too. I had to help dress him, cut up his food etc when I was 4-5 years old and it was just awful coping with his mood swings and violence.

I'm not suggesting that this will be exactly your DH's experience of his stroke but I can confirm that if he doesn't help himself with physio, his recovery won't be good. It's hard to be the child of a suddenly disabled parent too. There's a lot more help out there nowadays so please get some.