I have a wonderful FWB, took a while to find him but 5 months in & I really wouldn't want to be without him.
Short backstory: After 2 awful marriages (1st I was young & stupid, 2nd was very abusive & he received a custodial sentence for his final attack) I threw myself into education (BA & MA) & a new, all consuming career. I'm completely self sufficient & provide a really nice life for myself & my teenage kids. I craved adult attention but due to my job & my past record, didn't want a 'relationship'.
Back to the present. FWB is genuinely amazing. I've never felt so precious or cared about. It went very quickly from a couple of meets per week to being in touch every day. Sorry if this sounds a bit strange, but I don't know how else to phrase it: it feels very 'grown up'. My previous relationships have all been about what I could do for 'him' & I practically had to beg for care & attention to be reciprocated, often with disastrous consequences. It's only since being with FWB that I'm actually seeing the abusive cycle I was trapped in (started with abusive father) & I feel like such a fool.
My kids know about him because my 18 year old bumped into us one day in town. We're a very close & loving little family which is probably due to trauma bonding courtesy of their father. 18yo told the others (they're all mid to late teens) & they all wanted to meet him. The kids haven't scared him off, my chaotic, noisy home hasn't scared him off, my job hasn't scared him off & me at my moody, knackered worst hasn't scared him off.
Anyway, he had Xmas day at mine, it was so nice, he made so much effort & seemed to enjoy all the hustle, bustle & banter. We then had a just as nice but completely different boxing day at his which was relaxing, quiet, intimate & completely immersed in each other (as it always is at his place). I got pretty drunk & he was tipsy & he said we need to have 'a conversation' but last night wasn't the right time cos we'd had a bottle or 3. I'm bricking myself. Genuinely scared stiff.
We've already talked about the fact that this is a relationship now, not an FWB scenario, although he's the best mate I've ever had (my low self worth meant I accepted one sided friendships as well as relationships) & I just know he's got my back, like I've got his. That's a first for me, I feel very safe. We've discussed the fact that a long term relationship with me means he'll never have kids of his own, I took some convincing on that subject (probably cos my own kids are such a massive part of my life) but all is good on that front now. So this conversation has to be about a goal of moving in together at some point. I know that's what he wants but I can't shake the worry that it'll spoil everything. My marriage was so traumatic, it's left me really appreciating my own home & independence because I never walk on egg shells anymore, can do what I please, have things how I want & basically be really happy. It was also such a hard fucking slog getting here, years of study plus a crap job to put food on the table plus raising the kids singlehandedly (I've no family to help). I'm now reaping the rewards of all that hard work & misery & I don't want to lose it. When I think about it along the lines of 'adding another person who I love' to the mix at home, I really like the idea.... but then the little voice starts that says it'll be the end of my life as I know it & things will start to go horribly wrong. I just can't be that woman again who feels like a guest in her own home & who's existance is all about how comfortable & important I can make a man feel & being punished or constantly put down if my efforts aren't good enough. I've also never been allowed to have money or openly achieve anything, everything had to be done on the quiet & nothing was ever celebrated. All of this has been life-long, almost like my ex's picked up where my father left off.
I think what I'm here for is to ask for reassurance that this really is a normal relationship. I have absolutely no bench mark to measure this against because it really is so different to all of my previous experiences. This feels very different & there are no red flags. I don't just love him, I love myself more nowadays because I feel secure & he makes me see my worth. Everything is changing because of him. I've let go of exploitative friendships, I say 'no' to people much more, I don't apologise all of the time, I'm coping with a high pressure job far better to the point I got promoted (which was celebrated!). I also used to feel crippling guilt when he did anything for me (made dinner, arranged a trip away, washed clothes I left at his) but I've settled right down on that front now & really like the fact that we look after each other. There's lots of mutual affection too, something else I've always been expected to provide in the past but not receive back. Is this too good to be true? Or is this a normal relationship?
Sorry it's so long. Couldn't stop writing once I started.