My children have very little respect for me

[honestisbest]

Help me turn it around please?
Three people in my life with who I am very close expressed concern at the way my children speak to me and treat me like their slave, recently.
On reflection it seems like I've turned into a mother who compensates for their hurt and betrayal after their dad Suddenly left us. He also treated me like his slave.
I do everything at home and fir them bar a few chores that they try to avoid.
I feel very weak mentally, sad, apathetic so it's easier to do it but I need to get my house in order ASAP .
My kids are 18/14/12.
I'd appreciate any advice or titles of resources that would help.
Thanks for reading.

Tell them bluntly that they are all old enough to help out. Allocate some basic tasks, eg, stacking and emptying dishwasher, putting out bins, putting clothes in the laundry basket, sorting washing and putting it on to wash.

Suggest each of them in turn cooks on a Friday night even if that is only pizza and salad or fajitas.

I threaten to turn the router off in my house until things are done. No lifts, no pocket money until the basics are done. After a few initial arguments, it seemed to work.

Don't blink first

New year, new regime! I’d sit down with your DCs on Jan 1st and discuss how the house chore will be done. Don’t go for overload but just discuss the main tasks and what the outcomes would be if they are or are not done.
The 18 year old should be mainly looking after themselves by managing their own laundry, some cooking and tidying up after themselves! Do they work or go to college?
If there is no change then sanctions need to be put in place. I’d make these as close to real life as possible. Eg, if you don’t do your laundry, you have no clean clothes.

Given their ages you will have your work cut out and I suspect you will meet a united resistance. I think you should probably get some therapy to support you with going through this sudden change process. But you don’t deserve to continue living like this so it is definitely worth the struggle and their future partners will thank you for the effort you put in creating more self aware and respectful humans.

I am so grateful for your replies.
It is the worst feeling to be told by people close to you that they cannot near to watch me being spoken to or treated the way o am.
It's a continuation of the treatment of my husband towards me.
I feel really delicate and weak today so aspprevoate you taking the time to respond.

Teenagers are hard work , but don't be afraid to be more assertive with them . You can't and shouldn't do everything, you will be worn out psychically and mentally. When they are rude say calmly ' don't speak to me like that , I don't deserve it' if they continue think of a suitable punishment and follow through with it .

First of all, don't beat yourself up too much about the impact of their Dad on this. I think that most teens of this age are lazy in doing chores around the house if they can get away with it! So try to avoid feelings of regret etc and just deal with the situation going forwards. Try to approach it with a breezy, "right, let's do this" approach rather than lots of angst / blame as I think that can make teens even more stubborn.

A rota is a good idea. If they don't do their jobs you can think of a reward system (eg they have to earn their spending money).

It's so difficult as it's a constant fight.
Each of them throwing their weight around.

You are right, I’m afraid this is learnt behaviour. Can you take today to be kind to yourself, maybe go out for a walk, have coffee, lunch out?
Is it possible for the people who noticed the disrespect to talk to your DCs from an outsiders perspective?
It might help their insight to themselves, if they could describe what they consider to be disrespectful behaviour.
Nothing changes overnight, (as with puppy training), but as another poster said don’t give in. Sending you best wishes.

I know that they are not bad kids but they treat me as I allow them.
If anyone tries to back me up or get involved by asking them to help out, they see it as others interfering in the family business eg my sister/ brother / partner

It's really good that you've recognised this and want to change it. Congratulations also on getting rid of your ex!

I think your two options would be a) counselling to support a full transformation where you say here's the new system, I'm sticking to it - without external support this will be very hard to do

Or b) have a vision of where you want to be and then get there piecemeal, eg new rule is coats hung up rather than dropped somewhere, consequence for not doing it is xyz. Then once a change is embedded, start on the next thing.

I also think your kids are old enough for you to sit down with them and discuss healthy relationships, how you didn't always like how your ex behaved and you see them following a similar pattern and it hurts you. How you want a good relationship with them through life but it has to be based on respect.

Also map out what things you're unhappy about and all the tools/consequences at your disposal: turning internet off, no snacks, no pocket money etc.

Good luck!

Contrary to the pp who suggested a family meeting to agree ground rules, I would pick them off one by one and have those conversations. I have three teen DCs and although they are mostly lovely and do pull their weight at home there is a tendency for them to 'gang up' when together and if you have no support this will be stressful. Stop bearing yourself up about the past, you can't change this. You can change how you operate as a family in the future so that you are happier and your teens know what to expect.

We started with a non negotiable weekly job for each, e.g. DS cleans the family bathroom every Sunday. There are other chores such as loading the dishwasher, emptying the bin, putting the recycling out, that we rotate around the three so everyone has a turn. Everyone chooses and cooks one meal per week. This could be jacket potatoes and beans or a full on roast. I dont care as long as everyone takes a turn. I also adopt a mindset that noone is doing favours for me, or 'helping' me by doing household tasks or sorting their own shit out. They are participating in family life and learning to be independent.

Each teen is responsible for their own rooms, putting washing in basket, changing sheets, keeping it tidy. I pick my battles here. One DD is very tidy , the other's room is like a war zone, DS is somewhere in between although he lives at uni most of the time. If they choose to live in mess, that is their issue now. If they run out of clean clothes, that's their problem, not mine.

The other part is shutting down any disrespectful language straight away. Dont engage emotionally, as difficult as this is, dont let them know you are hurt. Just calmly reinforce your expectations, 'I am your mother, and I expect you to treat me with respect', or 'I expect everyone who lives in his house to contribute to the chores'. Walk away if needed, dont get into a fight. Come back to the same conversation when they are more reasonable. I find teens benefit from the same kind of consistency as toddlers. Ensure any rewards/sanctions are proportionate. Changing the wifi code until they have done whatever you have asked is reasonable (if you can be arsed), confiscating all of their devices for a week is not.

Teenagers can by horrible, but also very loving too. I won't give mine pocket money until they have done specific jobs for me. I tell them that I have to go out & earn the money so that they can too. If they leave their things everywhere I dump the whole lot on their beds until they get the message ( as they can't find anything 😂)
Do your kids still see their Dad? Mine seem to get worse after a visit, almost like they need to vent.
As Op said sit them down when you are both calm & let them know how they are impacting you. Keep doing this until they get the message, but also let them know how much you care. My daughter (14) can be vile, but most of the time it's because she's upset about something ( usually Dad related) & is feeling hurt & can't put it into words until she's had a rant.
The good news is when they finally get part time jobs they realise how hard we work & actually offer to help a bit.
Good luck. Parenting teens is a white knuckle ride

I was in an abusive marriage and the dc also teens copied his behaviour towards me, so like you they treat me like a slave with no respect as that is what they watched my exh do. One of my dc does this more than the other as she has SN also.

You could look into NVR. (Non violent resistance).

www.partnershipprojectsuk.com/non-violent-resistance-nvr/parents/

What I currently do is
Eg when one of my teens tells me I am a F ing c###. Because I was busy and did not pass them their glass of water which was a foot out of their reach.

I reply in a calm voice that I do not think I am a fc and walk away.

Later when they are calm. I go and ask why they said that and it is not appropriate and they need to think of a different way to speak to me which is acceptable.

When my oldest is violent to me. I tell a designated couple of people who have agreed to help. They then text or email my teen and say they are concerned about me and concerned abt dc and explain why said violence was not ok. They they say something positive to dc. Like looking forward to seeing you soon or I heard you did really well in a test.
This shows your dc that you are not keeping their behaviour a secret and you are reaching out for support.

I really feel for you because I know what this is like. 🤗🤗

For me it feels like a rut I am never going to get out of and they are fed more animosity as my exh bad mouths me to them when they see him.

@RoseMartha god that sounds so tough , hope things improve for you

If anyone tries to back me up or get involved by asking them to help out, they see it as others interfering in the family business eg my sister/ brother / partner

Well, unfortunately for them THEY do not get to choose/decide/dictate who YOU involve in YOUR life.

I feel very weak mentally, sad, apathetic so it's easier to do it but I need to get my house in order ASAP .

If you're struggling then involve away. I hope at least one of these three people is as bolshy and outraged as I am on your behalf - I would have absolutely no problem reading your children the riot act as many times as it took for it to sink in.

However, it would be best if it came from you - you need to demand their respect. (You seem to have fallen into the trap of believing that if you are nice to them and do everything for you then they will be grateful and appreciate you, but as ever you have discovered that actually they just taken you for granted and walk all over you. Stop being "nice".)

Your original post explains things well, try to rephrase it to them.

"I have tried my best to compensate for your hurt and betrayal after your dad suddenly left us. However, I realise that actually all that has happened is that you have learned from him to treat me like your slave. I am not your slave, I am your mother. Therefore from now on I am going to do much less for you, as my attempts to make life easy for you seem to have resulted in you thinking I am only here to serve you. From now on I will do my own laundry only. I will cook one option for dinner once a week on a Sunday which will be provided at a time of my choosing. If the washing up is not done by one/all of you by 9pm then no dinner will be provided the following week. You will each cook twice a week. If you do not then there will be no dinner. This is the cleaning rota. You are all responsible for your own rooms plus XYZ. If the cleaning is not done to an acceptable standard that I will define then there will be no WiFi/treat foods/lifts/whatever. I would like to remind you that I am the parent who stayed and looked after you. I will always look after you but I will not take any more of your shit. I would like us to have a wonderful family life and a lovely home together where everyone treats one another with respect and we all pull together to get things done. This does not require me to prostrate myself to you. It does require you all to stop this shit. I am going to make tea for everyone. While I am doing so I would like you to discuss who is cooking dinner tonight, who is going shopping for it (there is £20 on the table for you to pay with), and who is doing the washing up. There are three of you and three chores. Show me you can behave like reasonable humans."

It got so bad here I went on strike!

No cooking, no laundry, no getting them up for school. No lifts, nothing.

And I let them see me cry.

It worked.

I'm sorry to hear this - it sounds awful.

I think RoseMarthas advice is excellent, maybe investigate the link she sent.

I would strongly caution against setting up a new 'regime' with rules and routines. However you do it, the emotional energy required to follow it through consistently will be horrific. And you're putting yourself in a position where any resistance from them will make you feel even worse.

So I would concentrate on changing the dynamic of the relationship, rather than introducing chores schedules.

I really really appreciate the advice.
I'm not my usual breezy/ keep everybody happy self today.
I simply told them the chores they had to do nd they did them there and then.
I bought them each a laundry basket and delivered them to their rooms , kept it light and friendly and just said that they'll be doing their own laundry from now on as it's too cluttering and at their
Age it's embarrassing getting their
Mum doing their laundry. Again, not a word from f objection but revolt just confusion really.
They are meek today around the house and going along with me. There are no cross words or aggression so I'll take baby steps with this and I certainly intend to use some excellent phrases offered in previous posts . It's a start anyway and thanks

A book you may find helpful is ‘How to talk so Teens will Listen, and how to Listen so Teens will Talk’ by Adele Fabre and Elaine Mazlish. It’s one of a series of useful books about talking with children.

It helped that my two teenagers both got jobs as soon as they were 16, but l do have to remind them sometimes they need to look around and think "What does mum need a hand with ? Its a sign of maturity." l find that approach works better than dictating what they do, they do keep their rooms clean and tidy and they cook their own meals , l am a single parent , we all have different schedules so they are capable of pitching in. l also remind them that the fact that l am female doesn' t make for me enjoying doing the housework anymore than they do. The last thing l want is their future partners complaining to me they are lazy,.so l encourage them to be as proactive as they can, and little by little l am making a conscious effort to do less for them.

I agree with ItsLois - tell them how they are making you feel - hurt, sad, being treated like you don't matter, from their behaviour. Teens often forget their parents are just as human as they are, with feelings that can be hurt. I imagine once you are honest with them they'll feel ashamed that they are hurting their mother with their behaviour and how they are speaking to her, and would be more open to changing it. Trying to be authoritative rather than communicative at their ages will just lessen the mutual understanding, and put you more at loggerheads.

I had an abusive ex and did the same thing as you. I thought I could make up for everything by doing everything and putting myself last.

I got into the same position as you. I started tackling it in the last couple of years. Mine are 16 and 22.

I made it clear there were 3 of us in this family and I was no longer going to be the house slave and my needs ignored.

It's bit been easy and they try and slip back but this it the best Xmas I've had for years because they have helped and not left everything to me.

You can change things @honestisbest