Friends or more

[Lookingforadvice1988]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice on where I might stand with a female friend. Over the last 8 months I have become friends with the most wonderful woman and we share many things in common we met at a small group fitness class.

At the time she was in a relationship, but we chatted lots after class and went for coffee etc. She broke up with the guy and we started to do a little more together, walks and the odd meal. But at this time I only thought of her as a friend who I enjoyed her company. During this time she had a number of very short and toxic relationships which she told me about. These relationships went from 1 - 100 in a mater of days.

After splitting she had a major health scare and this is when we became close as she shared this with me and only a couple of other people. She was single at this point and from here on then we did lots together, trips out for the day, meals out, just having meals at each others house, dog walking etc, all in a friends way, Spending more time with her I have realised I care deeply for her.

She said a couple of months ago that she wants her next relationship to start as friends and grow from there is this her hinting at something, I get mixed messages as she always says I am an amazing friend and any woman would be lucky to have me. She had said I am one of the best men she knows. I have not said anything about my feelings as she has said she is not ready to date, I dont want to loose an amazing friend . But these more regular activities have been mainly instigated by her so is she hinting at wanting more as she has said she wants her next relationship to start as friends.

I am not the type she usually goes for without sounding horrible, her X have all been the bad boys who dont come from stable backgrounds. I come from a stable background and the opposite of a bad boy.

The only fly in the ointment is that she seems to be going down the track again of going to 1-100 with someone over Christmas which is history repeating itself and not the friends first she has been talking about over the last few months.

Looking for a bit of advice does she see me as a friend which I think is the case or does she see me as more and gave enough hints and gave up.

Should I say something she has only just started dating the latest person and is not in a relationship yet but its heading that way as they have spent the night togther.

@SportsMother

Do you want a relationship with someone that has repeatedly had short toxic relationships. Why would you?

So much drama already. Just keep her in the friend zone.

Short toxic relationships, for me its been the mans fault for various reasons.

She is such a lovely human being and has been unlucky

Ask her out on a date. “I know we go out often, but I’d like to pick you up and take you out for dinner on a date. I think you’re wonderful and it would be wonderful to see where it goes.”

I never got the ‘don’t ruin the friendship thing’. If you have feelings for a close friends, you probably shouldn’t be close friends anymore. It wouldn’t be good for your well-being or your ability to form another relationship with someone.

I think in a roundabout way you ought to ask her if she would consider you a potential partner. You need to know where you stand, if she feels similar or if it's an unrequited thing on your part. It would become emotionally painful to continue a friendship if your falling in love with her and she only sees you as a friend.

Just friends, she doesn't see you that way
I don't know why you'd want her knowing she can't stay with a man for 5 minutes, if she consistently chooses a toxic men then that says something about her too, however you haven't been in a relationship with her to know the real her. Also why would you be someone's last resort because she's exhausted all other options, in a nice way I'm saying raise your standards, be with a woman that really wants you rather than hoping she'll see you in a different light.
Even if this went further than friends, it's very likely to go down hill quickly, she thrives from the excitement and spark of a new relationship, she'll soon leave because of boredom and look for another short lived fling.

I disagree about her being 'unlucky'.

She keeps repeating the pattern of falling fast for unsuitable men and getting hurt.

I would say that unless she realises this, decides she wants to change and go for healthier relationships, then you will always be waiting in vain.

Maybe as a friend share your concerns about her relationship patterns and see if that gently help her 'see the light'...

But also you don't want to wait forever for someone who might never see you as partner material. Date other people, this will help take your mind of this woman.

I should have added that I have been friend with a man for 6 years and although I realised he had some feelings for me, I never acted upon it because I wasn't sure he was 'grown-up' enough quite yet.

In the end I realised that I did fancy him and we finally got together a couple of months ago. No idea whether this will lead to something long term and I hope it won't ruin our friendship so there are tricky aspects to moving from friends to lovers, but I wanted to mention this. However he dated other women while were friends and had long term relationships that lasted for a couple of years, hence my point that you should not just wait around for something to happen. Instead go out and meet other women.

@ElectraBlue

I disagree about her being 'unlucky'.

She keeps repeating the pattern of falling fast for unsuitable men and getting hurt.

I would say that unless she realises this, decides she wants to change and go for healthier relationships, then you will always be waiting in vain.

Maybe as a friend share your concerns about her relationship patterns and see if that gently help her 'see the light'...

But also you don't want to wait forever for someone who might never see you as partner material. Date other people, this will help take your mind of this woman.

very true, but she has talked about breaking that cycle thus the slow friends first thing, not necessarily me, but she seems to be snapping back into that same pattern.

I think its because she had a troubled background without a stable family growing up to say the lease which led her down the drugs path (she is clean now). Its almost she needs love and attention so throws herself at the first man which shows an interest.

Thanks for the advice and it has given me food for thought, I really enjoy her company but some comments on here about her ability to hold down a relationship really made me think, then again I am single and have had my own bad relationships in the past, but not like these.

We also have some differing opinions on Drugs ( she ended up in hospital), she is cleanish now only smoking a bit of pot which in itself I am not fully comfortable with. And she is a spender and I am a saver. But I am drawn to her and we share many interests, she is one of those infectious personalities.

I guess I am saying I should stay friends with her, only and any way it sounds like the latest man she is going 1 - 100 may mean she is spending less time with me anyway which could be good for me. Although chatting to her today she says she still wants that friends first things.

I think that she may be in the thinking about it stage of change still. She’s talking about going for a different type of relationship, but she’s not ready yet because she’s jumped right back into her usual pattern.

The other incompatibilities youe toon may also be tricky to overcome.

I’d also be wary even if she did want something with you that she was doing it because she saw you as a safe option but was still into the more destructive interactions.

@ElectraBlue

I should have added that I have been friend with a man for 6 years and although I realised he had some feelings for me, I never acted upon it because I wasn't sure he was 'grown-up' enough quite yet.

In the end I realised that I did fancy him and we finally got together a couple of months ago. No idea whether this will lead to something long term and I hope it won't ruin our friendship so there are tricky aspects to moving from friends to lovers, but I wanted to mention this. However he dated other women while were friends and had long term relationships that lasted for a couple of years, hence my point that you should not just wait around for something to happen. Instead go out and meet other women.

Out of interest @ElectraBlue did you progress things to the relationship stage or did he? And how did you broach this.

and best of luck with your future together, I hope it works out for you.