Grief has changed DH

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Husbands father died last year under traumatic circumstances.

Ever since he died my husband has turned cold, dismissive, no patience or empathy for other people. He makes decisions that just aren't the old "him" and to be honest I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

He continues to be a good dad but he makes out of character choices like staying out late, spending less time with us as a family and he is argumentative and arrogant at times.

We've had three big conversations this year (following on from disagreements/incidents) where he has acknowledged that he's struggling with grief. I have asked him to seek help, he says he will but a week will pass and he acts like our conversation has helped him and then he reverts back to his new behaviours.

I feel terrible but I can't continue our relationship like this and I have asked him to talk to me, somebody, anybody really so that he can get the help he needs. I would guess that he is dealing with depression, grief, loneliness but I am not in a position to "fix him" as it is starting to effect the wider family, most importantly our DC.

I worry that I won't get my husband back to the way he used to be. I think this is who he is now. He isn't willing to get help and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

I'm hoping for other people's advice, I'm guessing that this happens to a lot of people after loss and I'm hoping you can tell me it gets better? If you have been through this and you have any advice at all for ways for me to help my husband please share as I am at a loss.

I have dealt with grief myself but it has never made me angry in the way my husband is and I suppose that's why I'm so confused with my husbands behaviour.

Thank you.

I have a relation in a similar position

Parent died suddenly
Husband changed
Depressed and not coping with grief

Things have settled a bit, old husband is appearing more and more

He refuses to get help

So she makes him go to the gym and run for head space time as an alternative

Whether it’s that or time passing but it’s helping

It sounds really tough.

You said I would guess that he is dealing with depression, grief, loneliness but I am not in a position to "fix him"

And then I worry that I won't get my husband back to the way he used to be.

It sounds very much as though he is suffering from depression and the trauma of his father's death. You cannot fix him. All you can do is help him find a professional who can help. Contacting the GP would be a good start, to get a referral for mental health support, either private or NHS.

Please stop expecting that you can 'fix' your husband.

Also see if you can get things off your chest to a friend in real life, or on here. And look after yourself physically, to help your own mental health.

exactly what has happened to me with my dp plus a few other things. its breaking my mh which is not good sometimes and I spend most days in tears go to work crying I am so broken I cant face starting again yet again I just want him back the way he was. he just came in I said ill just have 10 mins to finish breakfast do a few emails but he is tearing round doing everything just to make it seem he does everything and I don't do anything arguments already

Totally same here. FIL died 3 years ago. DH helped MIL care for him at home the final few weeks which must have been traumatic.
I suffer with anxiety on and off so I'm aware sometimes I'm probably hard going.
DH has always been a big drinker but now seems to get angry and argumentative when drinking.
He drank a whole litre of whiskey and a bottle of red to himself on christmas day and us and teen DC were all Covid positive so stuck in house.
I gave him a wide berth because how he is when drinking and he hasnt spoken to me since because I ruined Christmas day by not talking to him!!
P s how is someone still standing after drinking that amount

Hello. My boyfriend is very difficult with emotions. He's had councilling before he met me. He struggles with grief more than the average person. He lost his mum 20 years ago which triggered off depression. She was his world and he talks about her most days. I struggle with him if I'm honest. One of the things he does is he says things he doesn't mean. He pushes me away. He doesn't drink now because 3 years ago he drank and drank. He had to stop. In 2019 his depression and drink led to the breakup of his then 8 year relationship. He also mentions and brings her up to me all the time which feeds back into him not processing his grief. He struggles to let go of connections. He fears abandonment.

I'll be honest in my case I don't know if long term we will work Because of this. Your partner needs to get help and he's got to want to get help. Nobody can do that for him. But you need to place your boundaries and tell him what you expect from him and how this is affecting you. Let him know he needs to change.

I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this.
Grief changed me. There’s a difference between losing someone suddenly, traumatically ( my husband died in a road accident) and slowly where you have a chance to say goodbye. ( neither is “better” than the other, they’re both awful, they are different) There is also a separate sort of grief that happens if the person takes their own life. If this is the case I believe specialist help is needed.
Although I decided straight away I couldn’t inflict my grief on others and kept it very much to myself ( apart from friends I made through a widows group) it still changed me. I’m not as confident, not as positive or optimistic as I was. I do tend to catastrophise. It only takes one of my daughters to be later than expected coming to me and I’m a quaking wreck.
If your husband won’t seek help I think you may be able to, as support for you and maybe for you to find ways to help him. I think if you search bereavement support services online. You could also try Cruise and Age Concern and Citizens Advice as any of those should know of organisations that could support you.
Grief is crap —- it’s exhausting mentally and physically and just seems to drain all the colour out of your life. I hope your husband will accept some help.

what happens when your partner denies anything is wrong and thinks depression is just for headcase his words