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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TikTok - checking out

16 replies

GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 08:15

An American lady just popped up on TikTok (@cayleecresta) and it really resonated with me.
She was talking about how women ‘check out’ of a relationship and go silent. How men like the silence, as opposed to ‘nagging’ but that’s actually the end of the relationship.
And I agree. I did all the discussion, crying and begging years ago, because he ignored it and carried on the way he wanted to be I went silent, knowing it was the end and I would leave one day. It was an acceptance, there was no point in trying any more.
She spoke about how women mourn the man he used to be.
I feel bad because I’m ending it in the new year, but it’s because he continued to do/be what he wanted, so the only option is for us to end. I need it to end so that I get peace in my chest, away from the anxiety he brings me.

OP posts:
wankywomble · 27/12/2021 08:24

I get this feeling completely. You just can't be arsed anymore and at least when you argue or fight there is still something there, feelings, passion whatever.

FrazzledCareerWoman · 27/12/2021 08:27

100 percent. And they don't even notice, until you leave

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 08:30

@wankywomble

I get this feeling completely. You just can't be arsed anymore and at least when you argue or fight there is still something there, feelings, passion whatever.
Exactly. You realise you’re wasting your breath. And I’ve certainly wasted some of my life.
OP posts:
peanutbear · 27/12/2021 08:30

This is exactly how I am feeling at the moment I've lost all fight all passion for bothering to keep the relationship alive.
He has had a lovely Christmas he's done exactly what makes him happy and I've realised I'm lonely in a house full of people.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 08:32

Yes, I’ve felt lonely.
I worried about living alone and being lonely, but at least I won’t have to put up with the stress he brings me. Won’t have to watch him drinking, spending our money.

OP posts:
MonicaGellerBing · 27/12/2021 08:41

This is exactly how I feel. My husband called me a cunt to my 9 year old DS on Christmas Day. He's apologised and thinks all is ok now and when I've tried to bring it up and tell him how it hurt and upset me he tells me I'm overreacting and he's apologised.

I feel trapped tho, his family all live 3 hours away and I'm a SAHM. I don't even know where to begin with separating.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 08:43

And an apology is meant to make that better ?
To say that about you, and to a 9 year old child, is disgusting.
Do you have any family ?

OP posts:
MonicaGellerBing · 27/12/2021 08:47

Apparently @GoodnightGrandma I'm meant to move on and realise he 'didn't mean it' he was 'just ranting' at nothing I may add. He'd had a face on all morning and I asked him to stop so he didn't ruin Christmas so he stormed outside where DS was waiting with his new bike and he said 'don't ever get married they all turn into cunts' my DS ended up in tears.

I have my parents 2 mins away but they don't have the room for us, my disabled sister still lives at home.

Keepithidden · 27/12/2021 08:56

OP - someone famous once said "the opposite of love isn't hate, it is apathy".

Very true in my opinion. When you cease to care, it's over.

Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 09:06

@Keepithidden

OP - someone famous once said "the opposite of love isn't hate, it is apathy".

Very true in my opinion. When you cease to care, it's over.

Very true. I think that he has forced me into ‘self preservation’ mode, where I now think it doesn’t matter as it’s over and this will end. I can’t believe I’ve stayed so long. I’m a strong , independent person, how have I let this happen ? But I’ve stayed for the kids 🥴
OP posts:
Original poster
GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 09:08

@MonicaGellerBing

Apparently *@GoodnightGrandma* I'm meant to move on and realise he 'didn't mean it' he was 'just ranting' at nothing I may add. He'd had a face on all morning and I asked him to stop so he didn't ruin Christmas so he stormed outside where DS was waiting with his new bike and he said 'don't ever get married they all turn into cunts' my DS ended up in tears.

I have my parents 2 mins away but they don't have the room for us, my disabled sister still lives at home.

No, but you have someone to turn to if you need it. You aren’t stuck, you could split if you wanted, and there are people on here who could offer advice when you’re ready. Practical tips like having your own bank account with any child benefits paid into it. There’s things you can do now to get you in a good position, if you ever need it in the future 💐
OP posts:
Sleepyone1 · 27/12/2021 09:47

Oh this really resonates. I don't think I've accepted yet that my marriage may well be unsalvageable but I certainly feel like I've been in a checked out state as I've run out of energy wasting my breath trying to make things work. Last night I told DH how miserable I feel and he was genuinely astounded and couldn't believe what he was hearing, he believed things were all ok again and we'd had a wonderful Christmas. But as far as I'm concerned nothing was different, I just didn't have the energy to bring it up anymore so had sucked it up and got on with it so the kids, him, everyone around us, could have a magical Christmas. He thought that meant that despite him doing absolutely nothing to address our problems, they had just ceased to exist.

Rina66 · 27/12/2021 10:28

Agree with pp's, the opposite to love isn't hate, it's indifference. A horrible feeling or non feeling!

Keepithidden · 27/12/2021 10:52

"A horrible feeling or non feeling!"

I agree completely, although sometimes, if I'm honest, the comfortably numb is better than the resentment and dislike. Once the end is in sight, even if it's years away, it's something to aim for.

HereComesTheSpiderman · 27/12/2021 12:03

It's interesting. A male friend and I have been talking about his relationship history and he said that it took him a long time to realise that men often ignore the warning signs - the 'nagging', the wanting to talk problems through etc because they don't want to deal with it and are happy with the way things are themselves.

When the woman stops talking, they think everything is fine and the problem has gone away. When the woman ends it, they think that is the time they will step up and make the promises to change.

He said that men don't realise that the quiet is the calm before the storm and they don't realise that when the woman ends the relationship, that's not the time to try and resolve issues because, at that point, she is truly done.

Jasmine00 · 27/12/2021 13:47

I get this and the irony is my exdh thought we were getting on great in the last few years but it's because I'd checked out and was just on auto pilot going through the motions and he was then able to smoke as many drugs as he wanted and see his mates every night with no hassle!!

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