How to tell SIL nicely that DH and I are not a currency transfer service

[onlychildhamster]

Really the intention of this post isn't to criticize SIL. So hopefully there wouldn't be too many comments about what SIL should do better.

Basically what happened is 26 year old SIL is on an overseas internship. It is unpaid but she got the maximum grant from the organization that is organising it which I assume covers rent and living costs. She converted a small amount of GBP to shekel when she arrived. She was going to use weswap but that did not work out. The money just left her account and basically did not go through; if you look at trustpilot, you would find many users with the same problem, some even had to escalate the matter to the financial ombudsman to get their money back. So SIL was in a foreign country with hardly any money..my MIL was going to do an international bank transfer to my other SIL's israeli bank account (who lives in Israel permanently with her husband) which undoubtedly would incur high fees. So I suggested a more economical method- my DH had a revolut account so it's cheaper for us to transfer money to an Israeli bank account and then SIL (the one on the internship) can pay us back using her UK bank account (instant between 2 UK bank accounts). I genuinely thought this would be an one off until she sorted a permanent solution that did not involve the bank accounts of siblings so she wouldn't have to live on £2 a day (which was apparently all the money she had with her when she landed).

This was what we did. We transferred the equivalent of £660 to the Israeli bank account and she paid us back quite promptly. We transferred another £490 3 weeks later at her behest, except that she took 2 weeks to repay us (which made DH suspect that we are a credit line not just a currency transfer service) and she asked us multiple times what the amount was. She just messaged DH to ask him to transfer 1600 shekels or £400..

I know I can just tell her to sort out her own money problems but that just seems really harsh because it's not like we want her to go without money just because we find it inconvenient to keep wiring her money. But yet at the same time I feel like I did not sign up to be a credit line/currency transfer service nor did DH's other sister sign up to be an ATM. Maybe she should get her own revolut account and DH has suggested that to her but somehow that hasn't materialized. Are there any other fuss free methods to transfer money?

Also while I know it's probably not fair to her to speculate, there is a thought at the back of my mind that as the months go by, this could be a permanent or at least semi permanent loan. We aren't going to chase her to repay if she doesn't have the money, what can we do? But DH and I never agreed to sponsor her overseas unpaid internship either, DH in particular thinks it's a ridiculous idea and she should get an internship or job in London where she can live with her mum for free...

Surely you wait until the money is in your account before withdrawing it for her?
"No worries SIL! Happy to help you out! As soon as the money arrives in our account I'll withdraw it for you!"

Could you not just tell her she needs to send you the money first? Just explain things are tight so you need it first before you send her the local currency.

I think you just say no worries, please can you send the £400 over and then we will transfer it. That way it’s all dependant on her paying the money and not you chasing it.

Once you have her account set up, it takes literally minutes to transfer money via revolut (I’m overseas, and my DC are in other, separate, countries overseas too).

So it’s not really that inconvenient. And she’s paid you back so far, so that’s not an issue. Your main gripe seems to be that you resent her for not staying in London.

@Flamingoose us getting back the money is the secondary concern...what is annoying is having to do the currency transfer in the first place... And it's weird to ask at this stage given we always transferred money first.

I don't know if I explained it well but basically the shekels go to her sister's account. The sister then withdraws the money in Israel and gives it to her in person..I don't even think that is very safe. It's a really stupid method that I thought was going to be an one off.

I think it's entirely reasonable that you give her notice that she needs to sort her own transfers out.

And if she's in Tel Aviv it's going to get expensive.

@AgentProvocateur nope not just that. In addition to that we have to inform other sister that money is coming to her bank account. She also asks repeatedly how much she must pay us back in pounds.

So your concerns are becoming a credit line; and her carrying cash.

I think the I.S. is at least currently stable but ikwym about having to do the currency calculations. Pain in the butt.

@SpindleSpangle she is in Tel Aviv. She isn't the first in the family to go on this program, the other SIL went on it. I suspect she also used weswap which may have worked better a few years ago. Yes Tel Aviv is now the most expensive city in the world.

To be honest if she sent you the money up front so you were no longer a credit line then I don’t really see the issue.

Tell her to use Currency Fair. Very easy, very reliable. I live overseas but regularly use it to transfer money back to the UK for student loan. They have an app too which makes it even easier.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn the thing is we don't actually know how she is funding all this. It's none of our business. She was on benefits in the UK and on a very low income so we are kinda pleasantly surprised when she pays us back. She was doing her master's then and also covid hit in 2020 so a lot of it is not really her fault. She probably does have savings but how long can they last in Tel Aviv. I assume that she gets grant money but of course a lot of it would cover the accomodation so I don't know how much she has left for living costs and if they pay on time (they sound disorganized tbh from her description).

It's probably not nice of us to withhold money just because that organization is late in paying her grant money. If that is the case, DH's mum would end up being the credit line and she has far less money than us... Unlike DH, I actually didn't disagree with her going to Israel as I thought it was quite probable she might get more financial support in Israel than in UK as they are quite generous to new immigrants in the first 5 years. But of course having never lived in Israel, I don't quite know how far it goes;I do know Tel Aviv felt more expensive than London as a tourist at least.

@Willthewashingeverend thank you will check it out.

Transfer wise, smart currency.
Lots of good currency exchanges your dsil can use.

I use my credit card abroad in any ATM for free
No fees
The only fee is if you pay the credit card late. I pay off the balance every month
I've used it all over the world

Ok, so she has just asked for another £400/1600 shekels. Now is the time to start putting boundaries on this. Write back and say, “sure SIL, we will transfer it as soon as the £400 pounds comes into our UK account. As this is the third time, we don’t want any questions from Inland Revenue etc, so easiest if you have transferred the money to us first and so we can show it’s nothing dodgy. On that note, it’s probably the last one we should do for awhile, and if this is going to be a regular thing, time you got your own Currency Fair or Revolut account set up. DH can help with that if you pick Revolut. Hope you are having a great time, send us pictures!”

And then stick to it. You aren’t being mean, you aren’t withholding cash, you are setting an acceptable and reasonable boundary, BEFORE things get to an unreasonable point. You don’t want to be Indian 9 months time saying she owes you XX and you’ve been her transfer service all this time, and now she’s fallen in love there and wants to stay but needs YY money from you, and it’s only a loan…..

*Indian = on here, I apologise for the typo

@Bubbly3Juby she doesn't have a credit card. I thought you could only get a credit card if you had a job?

If she is worldly enough to travel with no job, then she should sort out her own money

I don't understand the need to be asking people in other countries to be sorting out her money, unless you are funding her ?

If it was me, I’d do it because it’s family but as it’s the third time I’d say “ok it’s done but this is the last time. You now need to get your own account set up as we’re starting to feel a bit annoyed that we have to keep doing this” put her on notice

Can't she get her own revolut card?

@Bubbly3Juby we aren't funding her. It's just the way things are. And I think the program is meant for people to do unpaid internships and they apparently aren't allowed to work for the duration of the program. As they need a visa to work... I think most people probably do fund the program with parental help or savings, but they do claim to be accessible to people of all incomes so do provide grants ...

Thanks all..DH is not happy about it but he will transfer monies and he says she is family and will pay us back so we should be easy going about it. funnily he was complaining about it yesterday, maybe he is just in a better mood about it.

Can’t she just use the debit card from her UK bank account to withdraw money from an ATM in Tel Aviv? That’s what I’ve always done when I’ve been volunteering overseas, never had an overseas bank account or relied on anybody else.

[quote onlychildhamster]@Bubbly3Juby she doesn't have a credit card. I thought you could only get a credit card if you had a job?[/quote]
I have three. I don't have a job.

She is a 26yr old women, who decided to go abroad for an UN-paid internship. She should have sorted out her funds and how she gets them before going! She isn't 16, yet your DH is treating her like a teen who needs family support! What is so wrong with the other suggestions of 'this is the 3rd transfer, please put the money in our account 1st and we will transfer. Then, you need to set up your own XYZ account transfer thing. We wont be doing this whole rigmarole again when you can set up your own account easily'.

Many of us traveled abroad at that age and transfers, online banking etc is even easier now a days. I would never have relied on such a convoluted way of getting money and inconveniencing multiple family members to do so! Unless you give her boundaries now, she will be reliant on you the whole year (or however long the internet ship is for).

Surely the purpose of the internet ship is to help her grow up and become more independent? You aren't cutting her off, but in fact making her an independent adult by not continuing to bow down to her requests. Support her own independence, don't treat her like a child!