Festive period- love laughter and tears

[Neverunderstood]

A time for reflection, never felt so bloody alone and not understood. Incredibly unhappy/toxic/abusive marriage. Only together due to the dc.
I’m the terrible one and have to spend time with people who abuse me.Both my relatives and DH say he’s not abusive as he doesn’t hit me. Apparently, I’m meant to work harder on my marriage.

That’s bollocks. They clearly don’t understand about abuse if they think hitting is the only way for a person to be abusive, you don’t need their permission - or even your husband’s agreement - to separate. Please don’t think you’re stuck in this shitty relationship forever. You can make a choice.

@GregTheEgg I feel like I have no choice but to stay with him due to the damage he would cause when the dc were under his care.

Leave. You’re both damaging your kids more by surrounding them by an obviously toxic environment.

Just leave. The excuse of staying for the kids is exactly that, an excuse. Get out for your kids because staying isn’t for them it’s hindering.

@PositivelyFooked you’d honestly hand your dc over to an abusive man who is responsible for their sole care when he had custody? You’d be ok not being there 50% of the time to not protect them?

Don't make excuses, it will be worse for your kids if you stay

They will be fucked up either way living with this full time or part time. You may think you’re protecting them, but you’re showing them an example of an awful relationship and this is what they’ll end up settling for as adults because it will be familiar. Or you leave and 50% of the time they see a happy and relaxed home with you. And when they’re old enough to vote with their feet they will stop going to their dad’s. Or he will lose interest in spending time with them as these types often do and your 50% will increase over time so that they’re seeing him once a week if that.

Plenty of women have had to do this. And the advice is always that staying “for the DCs” doesn’t work.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming I can’t see why your DH would even get a sniff towards sole custody?

Or why you can’t let the relevant authorities know that you’re being emotionally/financially/verbally abused and that to protect your children you’d request supervised visits or none at all. There’s a lot you haven’t explained, so I have no idea what I would do in your situation, but I wouldn’t be staying with an abusive man with my children ‘for my children’ because you’re putting them more at risk by doing so.

And depending on your family circumstances he wouldn’t necessarily get 50/50 if it went to court. It’s a sensible starting point for two people who both work full time and have a similar level of input at the moment. Where one parent works longer hours and one has been primary carer then there is an argument to be made for one parent to spend more time, rather than have them officially with the other parent but in childcare or with relatives etc.

Abusive men use the threat of custody to keep you in line. As soon as they realise you’re not playing their game and that you’d be happy for the children to go to his a few nights a week to enable you to have a social life or to work more etc. it stops being such a fun game to them. They actually have to step up and do some parenting with nobody watching. What’s the point in that?!

What worries you about him looking after the DC?

@Hibiscusroses

What worries you about him looking after the DC?

His complete inability to meet their needs yet on paper he would look like the perfect father. He’s of the mindset that children must not cry.

This time of year always makes me reflect. DH is not the man I married. Either that or he just hid his true colours bloody well! Either way, I’m tied to him until the youngest dc is 18.

How old are your children op? Children get older and make up their own minds who they want to spend time with but I can understand your concern if they are young.

Does your husband avoid emotions - are you feeling emotionally isolated and/or does he belittle you/name call?

@Sewandsew564756 dc 6,11 and 13. They absolutely dote on DH’s parents. The eldest is aware my mil is abusive towards me but still thinks the sun shines out of her backside. His family are “well to do” and will provide everything the dc need but absolutely zero emotional support. They would also have no issue with allowing the eldest 2 to drink alcohol. They’ve fed my 5 year old nephew trifle laced with sherry and told her mum it was alcohol free and have zero remorse at having done so.
They were all at ours Xmas Day and DH was “falling over” his mum doing everything for her as she can do no wrong. Won’t say boo to his mum as he doesn’t want to upset her, completely ignores her appalling behaviour towards me. I started to drift off on the couch on Xmas eve when we were all watching a movie as I’d only had a couple of hours sleep the night before so she repeatedly kicks the side of the couch. I never said a word to her but there’s no way she didn’t know exactly what she was doing.

Bizarrely he does both, DH avoids emotions and name calls. The youngest has been defending herself since she was in nursery. According to him, he’s toughening them up.
I know autism gets banded about here all the time but I do wonder if he has Asperger’s. It would not excuse his abusive behaviour but may explain some of his other traits and behaviours.
He’s always wanted to have four DC and is so clueless that our marriage is on the rocks that he wants to adopt. I blamed my health rather than his abusive behaviour and said we would review the situation once things had settled. Is he really that clueless, or is this another attempt to control me and tie me to the home by needing to be there 24/7?

Been doing far too much of the tears part of the love, laughter and tears today and found myself feeling a bit sorry for myself if I’m completely honest.
Don’t know if it’s the post Xmas blues or the sudden jolt at the harsh reality of what my marriage and life has become. It was like someone turned on a tap and I couldn’t stop.

Neverunderstood

Read all the other posts here and let what they are telling you re yourself and your kids sink in. As they all rightly say staying for the sake of the children does not work and in turn you will also be doing your bit to teach them harmful lessons about relationships.

Do contact both Womens Aid, the Rights of Women and a local Solicitors and get the help you need from them. You are an adult still with agency and you have a choice re this man. Your children do not and you need to make better choices for you and they going forward. Your very soul here is screaming at you to leave your abuser.

Do you really think that such a man would want his children half the week, particularly if he works full time?. No he would not, he sees them as an encumberance and to some extent a PITA and would palm them off onto his parents. He won't let you leave at all easily as he is abusive and will likely demand all sorts re custody and be awkward over any financial or final settlement re divorce. Such men only say that to keep their target in line as a control measure. Its one of many tactics abusive men use to keep their woman, aka possession, in line.

Do not bring autism into this equation; he as well as his parents are nowhere on any spectrum. The rotten apple that is your abuser of a husband did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

Why did you think Aspergers re him?. Please educate yourself as to what ASD actually is. I would put a fiver on it he is not autistic and would not score at all highly on any properly detailed questionnaire about autism. What your H does to you and in turn your kids is not down to ASD. I realise its not intentional on your part re trying to analyse why he is the ways he is but its a rabbit hole and your energies would be better employed on exiting this marriage. All you need to realise is that he does this because he can and feels entitled to treat you and in turn your kids like he does. On a wider level I am frankly tired of seeing otherwise decent people think ASD or Aspergers syndrome almost as a default when it comes to male on female domestic abuse.

His family as well as your hopefully soon to be ex H are all abusers and do not care about anyone other than their own selves and self interest. Your children should not be at all around his toxic parents either. If they are too toxic/difficult/bad for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them too are actively abusive.

And his wanting to adopt a fourth child would indeed be a further attempt on his part to keep you controlled.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for taking the time to reply. It was actually someone who works in a professional capacity that suggested autism and there is a strong family history, so it’s not out of the realms of possibility. Even if DH’s behaviour was not abusive in any way shape or form, I think I’d still be considering it as a distinct possibility. With his parents it’s not even a consideration, they are just abusers/enabler's.My parents are toxic too, both in their own ways. I thought I’d struck gold with DH when we met but I realise now he was pushing boundaries and sowing the first seeds of an unhealthy relationship very early on in proceedings. It still bloody hurts though as this is not the relationship and in turn marriage I thought I’d entered into

Another year very nearly over. Wondering what 2022 has in store. I’ve given up hope of him changing and things improving and I just need to find a way to move forward.

You have choices. You can choose to leave him and his toxic family. At least perhaps seek some legal advice on where you would stand financially? Could you access counselling (on your own)?

'Staying for the children' in an abusive marriage is usually worse for the children than leaving. And if your marriage makes you a desperately unhappy shell of your former self, how is that good for your children?

I get your fears about not being able to protect DC if you're not there OP but there's another way of looking at that. Currently your DC are in a high stress, abusive environment 100% of the time they're at home, splitting would mean they get sanctuary and respite for all the time they are with you, which will likely be more than 50%. Factor in kids getting older, having own activities and social lives and inevitably voting with their feet if time spent with their dad is not enjoyable and you may well find they hardly ever see him. It's hard and scary, I understand that but I honestly think you're looking at it from the wrong angle.

@Camelflage I’m afraid the kids voting with their feet would be straight in to the life of material luxury with the in laws and DH. They are all very manipulative and I’m sure I’ll be blamed for destroying the family, not him and his appalling behaviour. I don’t think that would be in DC’s best interests.
And please don’t tell me it doesn’t happen as I’ve got a dear friend who is now living on her own because her Dc have voted with their feet straight back into the arms of their abusers, all down to them not accepting reasonable boundaries and wanting the life of luxury with their father

Not just that but I’m worry the eldest would not study for their GCSE’s and then be left with limited opportunities in the future(obviously the others too). DH didn’t study for his and aced them so studying does not even feature on his radar.

Is anyone else in a similar situation?

Yes, certainly in terms of feeling alone and not understood. There has been some name calling and some attempts at emotional coercion and other behaviour which was the final straw. In-laws have little contact and yes, my parents are toxic too.

This time of year heightens everything. I am looking forward to getting into the routine of dcs going back to school etc. I am not prepared to do anything yet. I have young dc and do get some practical support at least. I would miss my dc with them shuffling back and forth etc. at least until they are a bit older and can vote with their feet but I would love a place of my own and I have been guilty of browsing various houses on-line.

Christmas has been difficult because everything stopped. Normally I get out and about - work minimal hours, see friends pursue hobbies, keep fairly busy. I am in the process of building my own little world. Not ideal but I'm not looking for another relationship so I'm concentrating on getting to know myself better and looking after dc.

Not sure what advice to give you op as it is a tough one and not as simple as just leave as I understand your fear.

@Thackerie thanks for taking the time to reply. Quite the pickle we are both in. We are both just “buying time” with momentary escapism via rightmove. Ever year I tell myself that things will be different the following year. The only thing that has changed is that DH will never be darling husband. I hate feeling like this and in a way I’m grieving, grieving for what should have been and now what won’t be. I’m hoping 2022 is kinder to us all.

Feeling rather deflated if I’m completely honest. The Dc have been bickering as we’ve all been spending too much time at home over the festive period.
None of this seems real. I suppose like many others I’m buying into the whole it’s not that bad as he’s never hit me mentality. Sometimes I’m indignant that people say that about Dv and yet at the moment I’m just resigned to the fact that this is my reality and it’s not “bad enough” to do anything