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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will this work or will I forever feel annoyed

21 replies

Sunnydays78 · 26/12/2021 22:47

I have been seeing my partner for almost three years. We both have our own homes, he isn’t clean or tidy at all. I have found myself in the position of when I say at his house -which is around half the month- if I want to live in a clean house I need to do it.
During Christmas and Boxing Day we’ve been at my house, all my family were here. He paid for everything but I have done all of the work, while he’s sat and done very little. Now I’m faced with tidying up again and I’m so annoyed about it. Am I being unreasonable given the fact it was my family that was here, I want a partner that matches my effort and he just doesn’t.
He is kind and caring but these things stretch to helping your partner out when they have a huge amount of work to do. Thoughts?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 23:03

I think by three years you know who he is. It isn't going to change. He's paid for your whole family's meal? And drinks? Is that fair recompense? Because that's what it is to him, he's doing his half.

If it isn't OK with you, get out now

Original poster

Sunnydays78 · 26/12/2021 23:07

@SleepingStandingUp yes I think that’s how he sees it and no it’s not enough. I’d rather have a partner who puts effort in. I intend on giving him the money, he paid for it before I had a chance.

OP posts:

Fairycake2 · 26/12/2021 23:17

He won't change and the resentment will only get worse. Not something I'd tolerate again personally. I want an equal partner who will make as much effort in our lives as I do

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 23:18

Then I'd have a chat, lay it on the line. You've nothing to lose

Sparkai · 26/12/2021 23:19

If wouldn't be enough for me. Particularly the money thing, so he pays and you do the work? Isn't that more like having a cleaner than a partner?

Original poster

Sunnydays78 · 26/12/2021 23:25

He earns a lot more money than me, so money is something he has a lot of. He’s not flash or anything like that. I am completely independent in terms of daily life usually and we take turns paying for things when we go out. But he quickly paid I straight away offered him the money and he refused. It’s not something that usually happens, but I have absolutely worked my arse off and he just sat. My son was a great help he’s 18, but I just feel really let down.

OP posts:

sheroku · 26/12/2021 23:50

Bugger that. Sounds like he's treating you more like paid help than a partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 00:10

I know he should offer or do, but do you ask hi mto do stuff? Oh Jack can you do the washing up whilst I vacuum? Steve can you empty the bins whilst I'm washing up? Bin can you scrub spuds whilst I chop veg please?

Original poster

Sunnydays78 · 27/12/2021 00:16

Should I have to do that? I just do it plus it’s a bit embarrassing asking someone to do things all the time.
I go over to his and we need to do dishes before we can eat. Or I need to clean the bath if I want one. We are total
Opposites when it comes to housework and what we think is acceptable. We do need to talk about it.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2021 00:22

You do need to talk about it, and he won’t change, much. But if he got a cleaner, you made more use of pre/prepped food when you together and he upped his effort by a quarter - would that be enough? He needs to understand that he is not treating you with respect, but if he can take that on board their might be a compromise to be reached.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 00:27

Should you have to? No. But DH is tidier than me and pulls his weight but if I was organising dinner I'd still be directive of what I wanted (so I asked when he was getting the chairs out and told him I'd leave him to lay the table for example). I just wondered what his reaction was if you did ask him IN YOUR HOME?

Obv there's also the standards issue at his, and then it's obv weirder to be asking him to do stuff

CowboyBebop · 27/12/2021 00:35

No, it won't work and you will forever feel annoyed. Even if he learns to step up a bit, it will never meet your expectations and you will silently resent him. If you've been together for three years and you still clean the bath at his house before using it (provided he knows you're doing it) then he must think it's fine and either that's your job as his partner/a woman or he thinks you just have impossible standards and it's up to you to make yourself happy. Either way it's not a good outcome for you.

sassbott · 27/12/2021 00:48

Ok so I’m going to go out on a limb here and ply devils advocate.

You hosted your family, in your home for Christmas. He contributed financially (that is generous even if he has money btw), but has not helped practically.

Two questions.

did you ask him for help? Set your expectations?
did your family pitch in and help? Why is the onus on him?

sassbott · 27/12/2021 00:49

have you raised the cleanliness of his house with him and if so what is his response?

Original poster

Sunnydays78 · 27/12/2021 10:02

@sassbott yes I agree it was very generous, my mum and dad both helped but he literally didn’t move. We hosted last year and he helped much more, I suppose I thought it would be similar to that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnydays78 · 27/12/2021 10:04

The cleanliness of his house hasn’t been raised yet. He wants us to move in together next year, it’s the one thing I think will be an issue.

OP posts:

AnnieJ1985 · 27/12/2021 10:20

OP are you the kind of person who potters around all day, doing bits and pieces as you go? My stepmum is, constantly "doing" and she and my dad have a lovely, tidy home. My dad isn't messy, but he sits around a lot! I'd say she does 90% of the housework, but she doesn't look like she is doing it. If that makes sense. Maybe your OH doesn't see you doing it, and would be happy to help if asked

Dh and I are both equally untidy/tidy (depending on what way you look at it) and sometimes I would love to be like stepmum, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I can see how it must frustrate you though

sassbott · 27/12/2021 10:30

Ok. So you’ve been together 3 years and in 3 years you haven’t said to him, ‘I find your home a bit messy, I feel I need to clean xyz before I use it. Can you get a cleaner in please?’ Or ‘what can be our compromise because I know you’re not as neat as me?’. Then if it stays a mess and you don’t feel comfortable, tell him as much and don’t stay. You say he has money, he can afford a cleaner. There’s a very easy solution here.

This is basic communication.

And if you didn’t ask him and you just assumed, then, sorry then I think the issue is a little you.
It’s your house, your family, you are hosting. Talk to him about it. And say ‘It felt a little weird that when we were clearing up you didn’t help.’ Then listen to what he has to say and update us.

If he apologises and says that he’s sorry and you just had to ask. You can work with that (if you want to). If he has a more harsh response, then pay attention.

Ask him before jumping to conclusions on here. How is meant to know you find his place messy if you haven’t told him?

gannett · 27/12/2021 10:33

Obviously if you don't talk or communicate with him about this issue (or any issue) then nothing will change and you will forever be silently seething. Do you think he is going to change his habits after reading your mind?

awishes · 27/12/2021 10:36

He won't change!
I was married to someone like this, to my regret. His place was as you describe your DP's and my younger self thought I was being kind by cleaning it whenever I stayed. I thought he just would learn, he didn't.
We married, I did EVERYTHING.
We had our first child, emergency c section, and he would not even vacuum once a week whilst I was recovering.
I refused to have another child unless he helped with our day to day chores, he did not even take his plate from dining room to kitchen never mind put it in the dishwasher. I felt I was mum to two toddlers and I lost all respect for him. His argument was that his gravestone wasn't going to say " kept a tidy house and garden" in the end I stopped asking, did absolutely everything whilst he lived the life of Riley. So unfair.
I'm sure you will become even more resentful and I can't imagine he will change.

Wotsitsits · 27/12/2021 10:47

He won't change. I think you're insane to even consider moving in with him.

At the end of the day he's entitled to believe that the man earns the money and the woman does the housework. But that doesn't match with what you believe so the relationship is doomed to make you both very unhappy.

Don't waste any more time on him OP.

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