We are all adults with our own families except for DB who is chronically single. He hosted Christmas dinner yesterday in his new home and went to a lot of trouble. But he was so so stressed, shouting at all of us as soon as we walked through the door.
Eg I arrived and parked outside front door of building. Lashing rain and we had bags of food/gifts so I phoned him to buzz us in. He snapped that I’d parked in the wrong place and should move to the rear door. But I pointed out that we were in a public space close to the front door, unlike the other spot where we’d have to cross a car park. He shouted at me to do what I liked and hung up. Rang him back and said, are you going to buzz us in or not? He said he was too busy cooking. I was angry now and said in that case we’d go home. I then heard him shouting angrily at DF to open the door. Seconds later DF opened the door and whispered at me to be tolerant as DB was very stressed.
I had checked with him if we could bring Ddog rather than leave him alone all evening. Otherwise our visit would have to be shorter. He was reluctant but said Ddog could come if he was quiet. I had dropped DH and Ddog off a couple of miles away to finish the journey on foot to tire out Ddog. DB asked where they were, then shouted at me in front of the DC because we’d be bringing a wet dog into his home. Said Ddog couldn’t come in. Again I was angry and said we’d go home. DF begged me not to. We ended up leaving Ddog locked in the car.
There were other incidents throughout the evening, although things became calmer as dinner was served (and Ddog was later invited in). Eg a nephew asked “what’s this?” when DB handed him a sorbet and instead of just answering him DB snapped “why don’t you eat it and see”.
He is always very very stressed and we have worried about him in the past. But in recent years it has become literally impossible to have any kind of conversation with him without him becoming enraged. I’m no saint and I lose my temper easily too. But not to the extent he does. If someone said to me “I like this soup you’ve made, how did you make it?” I would answer the question, not say “It’s soup for fuck’s sake. Why do you want to know?” If someone asked me “How’s work going?” I wouldn’t reply, “Oh for God’s sake can’t you think of anything interesting to say?”. If someone’s young DC accidentally spilled water I wouldn’t snap at them for being so clumsy. It’s on and on and on.
I have begun to think he hates me as he is unable to be in the room with me for more than a few minutes without taking my head off for the simplest thing - sometimes he actually goes white with rage. I’m not afraid of him at all but the walking on eggshells makes me stressed, anxious, angry and sad.
We see each other maybe every 2 months and make a similar effort to visit/keep in touch - it’s not one-sided. He can be incredibly kind and generous and is very fond of my DC. I know he would drop everything to help if we were ever in trouble. But I think he likes the idea of us more than the reality. He and I used to get on extremely well as children. But no more.
DF worries about him - as do I; I think he is a suicide risk - not acutely but demographically he ticks a lot of boxes. As a result DF tiptoes around him. DB treats him like shit at times. Then I know he regrets it and is filled with remorse.
Part of me wants to just see much much less of him. It is hard to go on seeing someone who I think really does hate me. 8 times out of every 10 I see him there’s an issue.
Just a rant. Thanks for reading.